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pocono

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I'm afraid. The terrible feelings are coming back. I am afraid of hurting myself, but I'm also afraid of being sent to the hospital. It was such a bad experience last time. Such a bad experience.

I don't want to die. But I don't want to live either. I hate myself and feel guilty about all of my mistakes (many and big).
 

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Re: afraid

Pocono,

I am afraid of hurting myself

Do you mean suicide? If so, you need to keep yourself safe until you can reach your therapist to get an appointment.

Look in your phone directory under "suicide" or "crisis line" for the local crisis line for some local guidance.

However if you feel that you might carry out your plan, call 911 immediately.

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems, and you must understand your thinking is distorted at the moment. Your negative thoughts are overwhelming you, which is why you need to speak to someone locally now.

They can help to keep you safe until you can be seen by a health professional.

I don't want to die

Hang on to that thought, and remember your reasons for living.

Most important, Pocono...keep yourself safe until you can speak to someone in your home area such as a crisis line, a close friend or relative, your spiritual advisor and if you feel you might carry out your plan, call 911.
 
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pocono, from what i understand you have a very good relationship with your therapist. can he help with regard to the negative hospital experience you had the last time you were there? i do not know what made it a bad experience for you but i am wondering what could be done to help with that.

keep talking and reaching out. you can get through this.
 

pocono

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It was bad because I felt so terrible about being there and being away from my family. I have three children ....18, 13, 5. Being separated from them was awful. I felt alone, guilty, selfish.
 
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pocono, it isn't selfish to be there. it's what you need right now. look at it this way - going to the hospital ultimately isn't just for yourself, it is also for your children. they deserve a healthy mom. the hospital helps towards that goal and your whole family benefits from it. would you feel guilty if you had to be in hospital for an operation and for recovery from that operation? would you avoid going in for that operation? i don't think you would. this isn't really any different. it is just depression rather than a bad heart that you are dealing with.

it's ok for you to be there. i know it's unpleasant and something you'd rather not see happen. but it really is ok.
 

pocono

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It was a long night, but I got through. I have an appointment with my therapist today. I can't believe how bad this recent bout with depression has been. It is so hard to get any perspective at all. I just kept thinking about how much I want to be at my son's graduation last night. That is what helped pull me through.
 

Halo

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Pocono...I am glad that you made it through the night. That in itself is a huge accomplishment as I know how tough it really can be. I am glad that you have an image that you kept in your mind that helped you get through the night as well...good job.

Take care and good luck at your therapists appointment today.
:hug: :hug:
 

ladylore

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I am glad you made it through Pocono. Did you get to your son's graduation?
 

poohbear

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I sure hope you are feeling better. And I'm glad you came to this site to blog. It helps to talk with others who know what you're feeling, or can at least relate. Just hang on to what's GOOD. How was your son's graduation?
 

pocono

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Thanks for the encouragement folks.

My son will graduate from high school this spring. It is something in the future that I am trying to live for.
 

Halo

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My son will graduate from high school this spring. It is something in the future that I am trying to live for.

That is definitely something to hold onto when you are struggling...keep that thought with you in your darkest times, it may just pull you through.

Take care
:hug: :hug:
 
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i am really glad to hear you found something to hang on to and that you made it through. it can't have been easy but you did well :goodjob:
 
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Just wanted to add that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. I know things get dark at times, very dark, but hold on to hope. It's hard, I know. I think you're awfully hard on yourself. Try to be easier on yourself and let go of those guilty feelings.
 

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Pocono,

I am glad you kept yourself safe overnight. Now you must make a pact with your therapist or the closest friend or relative you have that you will keep yourself safe to see your son's graduation.

You have share with us numerous reasons for living:

I have three children ....18, 13, 5

My son will graduate from high school this spring. It is something in the future that I am trying to live for
.


Your youngest would be orphans without you, and the legacy of suicide reaches deep into family, friends and acquaintances of the person who takes their life.

Your children need you and there are treatments to help you so you can be the parent you want to be.

Work with your therapist and follow his/her recommendations.

It was bad because I felt so terrible about being there and being away from my family. I have three children ....18, 13, 5. Being separated from them was awful. I felt alone, guilty, selfish.

These feelings may be the result of distorted thinking. Consider this, if you had to be hospitalized for a blood clot, a heart bypass, or cancer treatment...chances are you would not be feeling guilty.

Of course you would miss your family, who wouldn't, but perhaps the stigma of hospitalization for mental illness unnecessarily affected your feelings about the need for treatment.
 

pocono

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I am struggling again tonight. It is so hard to reason with myself about living. The reasons for the depression are too complicated and convoluted to try to write about, but my life is a mess......I've made a mess of it....hurt someone badly whom I care very much about.........I can't seem to shake the negative thoughts and the desire to die.

TSOW, I've reread your post several times. It is soothing for some reason. I'll read it again and again if I need to tonight. Thank you.
 

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Pocono,

As many have stated here, focus on the reasons to live..your children whom you love and who love you; the upcoming graduation.

These reasons to live will most certainly outweigh the reasons to die.

Keep yourself safe, and if you feel yourself slipping away, call 911.
 

pocono

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What will happen if I ever need to call 911? I try to think back to the moments before the last overdose and I wonder if I could have stopped myself. It is so scary to know I could and might decide to end my life. I feel about 5% better today, which is enough not to feel suicidal, but not enough to trust myself.
 

poohbear

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Pocono:

I know it's been hard for you lately. I do hope that tonight is a better night than the last few. You're not alone out there. We're all here, too. We're all in the same boat, just not all in the same location. Some are in the Captain's Quarter's and some are in the Casino. But most are like you and me: hanging onto the railings, hoping the motion sickness will wear off soon! :( I have hopes that it will, and that we'll all meet at the pool for margaritas, when this is all over!
 

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