To everyone who knows me I'm the calm, reasonable, honest friend. There have been some events in my childhood that frightened me or made me sad, but I've always been able to "keep it together" and continue to function, and find someone to confide in. I'm usually slow to extend my trust, but I have a few good friends, and when I trust them I mean it.
Unfortunately, I betrayed the trust of my closest friend with an argument that I took too far. I didn't even need to argue. I could have avoided the situation I'm in if I had just stopped and listened to what my friend was saying without preparing a rebuttal as she spoke, or even stopped to ask why I'd just said something or why I was about to say something.
I've listened to her talk about her crushes before, and she's teased me for 'acting like a girlfriend,' because I'm excited with her. I've been happy for her when she goes on about a good time she had with her boyfriend, and I've listened to her talk about the stupid things he does sometimes without passing harsh judgement on him. She's playfully suggested that I'd be the 'maid of honor' at her wedding, to which I laugh and correct, 'man of honor.'
For all the time I've known her I've never acted the way I did when we argued. She's told me secrets that sometimes make me take pause, but I could hear her out and thank her for sharing it, even if I needed time to get used to it. Nothing she's told me has made me question our friendship.
But in this argument I was disregarding her feelings and even the fact that she was confiding in me something that she couldn't tell anyone else. Without saying too much, it involves someone else, who I have a previously existing dislike for; it wasn't anything serious, more like, "I don't think I want to spend time with this person." I somehow turned that into the extremely poor grounds for an argument that he was a danger to her. I know it's completely absurd, but as much as I don't want to admit it, I convinced myself I was right. I didn't pay attention to the fact that, even if I was concerned for her, all I should do is tell her how I feel, and that to mean it requires me to listen to how she feels, too.
When she realized she wasn't getting through, she left. For a few more hours I still believed I was right, and I think I was even angry at her for not believing me. Eventually I realized my behavior was outrageously inappropriate, but it wasn't until she called that I was able to hear, while I was actually listening, what I'd done. I spent the rest of the day tripping over my words and thoughts. I desperately wanted to talk to her, hopeful but extremely unsure that she'd acknowledge my apologies in any way.
It wasn't until I began my search for information on arguments that I learned I should have backed off for a while, and now we're going to let each other be for a few weeks. I also know that even if she's willing to talk to me again I can't expect her to trust me like she did before; I'm afraid to ask her forgiveness, for fear of offending her.
I know that, ultimately, I'm resilient. The days after the argument felt horrible, and I still feel pangs of guilt, but even if she'd cut me out of her life then and there I'd have to have pulled myself up at some point. What's important now is that I clearly recognize what I feel guilty about, and remind myself that I'm learning from this so that I don't hurt someone in the future.
What still concerns me is how I lost my senses in that argument. I'm not sure if I took for granted my normal behavior, or if it was the stress of my latest project, and my online business, and other little things, that "just" added up. I hope that this has made me more aware of myself, and I hope that sharing this gives someone else something to draw insight from or to relate to; or maybe encourages someone else to open up.
I've read so many posts on this site and others that I could either relate to or be inspired by, so if there's anything I can describe further, feel free to ask. It will help me, too.
Unfortunately, I betrayed the trust of my closest friend with an argument that I took too far. I didn't even need to argue. I could have avoided the situation I'm in if I had just stopped and listened to what my friend was saying without preparing a rebuttal as she spoke, or even stopped to ask why I'd just said something or why I was about to say something.
I've listened to her talk about her crushes before, and she's teased me for 'acting like a girlfriend,' because I'm excited with her. I've been happy for her when she goes on about a good time she had with her boyfriend, and I've listened to her talk about the stupid things he does sometimes without passing harsh judgement on him. She's playfully suggested that I'd be the 'maid of honor' at her wedding, to which I laugh and correct, 'man of honor.'
For all the time I've known her I've never acted the way I did when we argued. She's told me secrets that sometimes make me take pause, but I could hear her out and thank her for sharing it, even if I needed time to get used to it. Nothing she's told me has made me question our friendship.
But in this argument I was disregarding her feelings and even the fact that she was confiding in me something that she couldn't tell anyone else. Without saying too much, it involves someone else, who I have a previously existing dislike for; it wasn't anything serious, more like, "I don't think I want to spend time with this person." I somehow turned that into the extremely poor grounds for an argument that he was a danger to her. I know it's completely absurd, but as much as I don't want to admit it, I convinced myself I was right. I didn't pay attention to the fact that, even if I was concerned for her, all I should do is tell her how I feel, and that to mean it requires me to listen to how she feels, too.
When she realized she wasn't getting through, she left. For a few more hours I still believed I was right, and I think I was even angry at her for not believing me. Eventually I realized my behavior was outrageously inappropriate, but it wasn't until she called that I was able to hear, while I was actually listening, what I'd done. I spent the rest of the day tripping over my words and thoughts. I desperately wanted to talk to her, hopeful but extremely unsure that she'd acknowledge my apologies in any way.
It wasn't until I began my search for information on arguments that I learned I should have backed off for a while, and now we're going to let each other be for a few weeks. I also know that even if she's willing to talk to me again I can't expect her to trust me like she did before; I'm afraid to ask her forgiveness, for fear of offending her.
I know that, ultimately, I'm resilient. The days after the argument felt horrible, and I still feel pangs of guilt, but even if she'd cut me out of her life then and there I'd have to have pulled myself up at some point. What's important now is that I clearly recognize what I feel guilty about, and remind myself that I'm learning from this so that I don't hurt someone in the future.
What still concerns me is how I lost my senses in that argument. I'm not sure if I took for granted my normal behavior, or if it was the stress of my latest project, and my online business, and other little things, that "just" added up. I hope that this has made me more aware of myself, and I hope that sharing this gives someone else something to draw insight from or to relate to; or maybe encourages someone else to open up.
I've read so many posts on this site and others that I could either relate to or be inspired by, so if there's anything I can describe further, feel free to ask. It will help me, too.
