Anger Management Self-Help

[quirkycanuck]

Hi Everyone. I've been having some problems lately and I have decided it's time that I look into how to do something about them before they spiral out of control.

Basically, I'm tense and angry a lot... and when I get there I have a hard time releasing that anger. Very small things will get me upset, and I can see in the eyes of my wife and children that they notice this too. This might have been going on for a long time and may just have to do with my inability to find ways to deal with stress... but it has to get better.

One of the big stressors for me is changes to my plans. Allow me to explain. I'm a person who gets confused very easily if I don't make a plan and do things in order. In the past 3 years, I've gone from being single to having 3 children (two are step-children) and a wife, buying a house and having a lot of social relationships I didn't have before. I think that was shell-shock I imposed on my own system and it might be part of the problem. Having children is an amazing thing and I love them all so much... but there are constant wrenches thrown in when I'm trying to get things done. For example, I'll be in the middle of making supper and someone wants a drive somewhere... two things that don't reconcile at all. Then I'll have someone wanting something else, the baby will start crying and here we go again.

This is normal in a family of 5... but for some reason it seems way too hard on me. All of these things, which I call inputs... are just taking a toll on me. I am constantly saying "Too many inputs here... everyone go play in the living room" and my 12-year old just looks at me like "What's an input?" But seriously... it seems like I can handle a lot less than everyone else around me... definitely less than my wife. She's been a mother many more years than I've been a father but she seems to have twice the patience I have.

I need to get out of this mentality and to get calmer. I find myself snapping a lot verbally at the kids. When I get really mad, I'll do a little door slamming routine and leave the house for awhile. The other day I even threw something (A plastic cooking utensil) across the room and broke it. All the kids were there in the room then... and that was just an eye opener for me. They don't need to see me act like that. I need to find a different way of reacting, and I need to get calmer somehow.

The problem really is lack of good psycho-therapists in my area and the financial aspect of going to see one. We live in a fairly small town. My insurance covers some minimal amount of psychotherapy but it's not a lot of money.

It really looks like I'm relegated to self-help and using online forums and resources to learn the things I need to learn.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me on resources, online or offline, which might be useful in getting the help I need.

Regards,
The Quirky Canuck

 

[Mari]

but there are constant wrenches thrown in when I'm trying to get things done

True and probably one of the first lessons in parenting but try not to be too hard on yourself - your wife has had more time to learn how to deal with these situations and may not even be as confident and patient as you think. There is a forum section on parenting and a section on anger management which might be helpful. Did your doctor have any suggestions for you? :dimples: Mari

 

[Into The Light]

how much down time do you get in the course of a week? if you aren't getting much or any, i would try to prioritize that, so that you can recharge, and can handle things a bit better. it might be a good idea to schedule a specific time of day for a fixed amount of time to be "do not disturb dad" time - it has to be clear and consistent and with practice the kids will get it.

the other thing you might want to do is figure out what things stress you out the most, and maybe sit down with your family to work out a solution that would work for all of you. for example the dinner thing - maybe you could all agree on a rule that while you are cooking that the kitchen is a no-kid zone. maybe even have a sign up (let the kids draw it) that you hang in the doorway when you need to focus on cooking. if they walk in all you have to do is point at the sign.

those are just some ideas that come to my mind, but you could sit down and brainstorm together with your wife and kids and see what creative solutions come up. get them involved in this process, try to make it fun somehow, and that way you'll get everyone's buy in and a positive atmosphere in which you are problem solving.

the other thought is you say you are tense a lot. maybe you could get rid of some of that tension through exercise, just work off that negative energy each day.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, another tip I see about keeping the kids out of the kitchen is to do most of the cooking in the morning or when they are already naturally out of the kitchen:

If you can prep or prepare ahead and just stick something in the oven at the last minute or broil and toss at dinner time, you will be way ahead.

http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/eating/howtocook.html

 

[quirkycanuck]

Thanks for the suggestions.

I do get some down time, mostly after the kids go to bed. That is my quiet zone, and I do enjoy that time.

Someone asked what my doctor had to say - Which tells me I have people wh pay attention to my past posts on the forum Thanks for being a fan. I did go to see my doctor about some of the emotional problems I've been having. He sent me for some bloodwork and stuff so we can see what's up and what's down first off to look for any underlying causes. I have another appointment with him in early January.

I agree completely on the no kid zone in the kitchen when I'm cooking - not just for my sanity's sake, but also for safety sake. Problems are two-fold. One is two of the kids are too young to really learn rules yet. The problem is more not being able to do two things at once. This is definitely something that needs to be talked about with the family. I either need more support or we need to be trying to do less things. It's functionally impossible for me to do 3 things at once (I can manage 2 - it's a requirement of the modern day father)

Some of this belongs in the parenting forum I think. I'm going to browse the other forums and I might cross-post there. My main problem is with how to deal with the anger when it happens... and I'm learning a lot. I've been reading up on anger management. Yesterday, I tried some exercises around positive self-talk and using a "It's not the end of the world" approach to things. I actually had one of the calmest days I've had in years. I'm going to work on it some more tomorrow as I think I'm actually getting somewhere with that method.

Will keep the group posted. Thanks for being such a great support group.

QC

 

[Into The Light]

wonderful to hear! i am glad you found the positive self-talk helpful. that actually works quite well, it worked for me and i am a much less stressed parent.

i don't know if i agree with the statement that kids are too young to know rules. obviously a baby would be but rules do start the minute you tell them no, not to do this or that. it does take effort, consistency and repetition. get creative, if a child is really young you could install a gate that you close when you are cooking. they can still see you and talk to you but at least you're not tripping over them

 

[evets3]

Hi QC....I'd like to touch on a few things that you are going thru. In one's life there are certain stressors that many people have difficulty coping with. These are a few of the big stressors, marriage, children, major purchases such as house. Any one of these could put a person into a tail spin. In your case you have acquired a whole bunch at one time. With all due respect, you are in a very difficult and vulnerable situation. It is rather difficult to deal with one issue, never mind all that you have to deal with all at once. In my humble opinion I would suggest professional help as soon as you can. You're a good person and wish to do things rite with family and friends. It is nothing to be humiliated about, but your plate has runneth over. My suggestion is to get help and get it fast, so that a good marriage and relationship with a new extended family could be saved. Perhaps you can start with your local Doc and Clergy member. All the best. SteveC