Appointment!!

[Lonewolf]

I have finally managed to let someone know how I truly feel about who/ what I am!! And I am amazed that it was taken seriously!! I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss where I can go from here!! I have spoken about the issues I face on a daily basis to other professionals in the past and was just told I was unstable or that I didn't know what I was trying to say, but this time someone listened and is willing to help me. I have not asked for a sex change because I think it's a bit too late for that and really, I don't want to be a male either!! I wish that I could have the breasts removed and have a full hysterectomy!! I don't want to be neither male nor female!! Not sure if it's possible to achieve physically, but it would certainly reduce my mental health issues greatly. I dress gender neutrally anyway but I don't want to appear with female characteristics ie, large breasts!! I am neither male nor female!! I am me!! I am Lonewolf. Why does society have to gender identify anyway? If anyone has advice (positive preferably but any reply would be appreciated!) I am feeling so much relief because someone has finally heard me and taken me seriously!! I hope this appointment has a positive outcome for me and not just another knock down for me!! mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

I'm so happy that you had this positive experience Lonewolf!

It is so true that talking and being understood, and just feeling that free space to come to terms with certain things, can so much be the 'solution' to our situation.

Yeah.... other stories and journeys too, can be so helpful.

We all have such a totally unique journey.

Sometimes having the space to come to terms with these things is just what is needed to find a path that is ok for us , or sometimes to find out that it is not necessarily an issue to 'solve' or anything... it just is part of us and just 'is'.

 

[Lonewolf]

I have never felt 'feminine'. I don't know if it's because of my past or if it's because I am not a female inside or a mixture of the two?? It was so good for someone to hear me and the struggles I face, the reasons for the countless OD's and S/H!! I haven't even thought about hurting myself since that initial chat!! I am hoping that someone can help me see this through to some sort of solution!! I am very worried that my hopes have been raised just to be dropped again and I don't know how I will carry on with things if that was to happen!! It would be very cruel!!

 

[MHealthJo]

I hear you... with such difficult runs in the past of being used, abused, let down, confused, and betrayed, the fears are always there.

Sometimes I think one of the keys is to find things we can do to help us shift our focus off of those types of fears. Anything confidence-raising is good. This might include hobby type things where we practise and get better... Or simply something where we progress a little bit at a time. Even things like reading a book or short stories or poems... seeing how far we have gone, how many pages we have read... Visiting new parks or locations... Watching 20 classic films... Seeing things add up. Certain types of things can make us look at something and say, "Look, I accomplished that." That can be confidence-raising. Or it can be as simple as making lists every day of things we have done, simple things. Knowing also that over time our communication skill and interaction skill has very likely gone up.

And then in the times we get fearful, it can be good to remind ourselves of the right messages:

-The future is not the past.

- The past was a time of choosing untrustworthy people and knowing very little about selfprotection or being careful who we interact with and trust. Effects of that may have played out in interactions, etc.

- There are things we can do differently in the future, in comparison with the past, to address any issues or concerns or confusions that come up in the interactions we now have. What patterns did we have in the past that prevented resolutions or figuring-out-of-problems? Are there times we haven't given a situation enough chance of something we needed to work out or resolve, perhaps our skills may have gone up a bit since then in the way of working with people and services and things. (Although it's always possible to get a situation where it's just not a good fit or there's a problem somehow, and we just gotta try again.) What could we do differently now if something did seem to go wrong? DBT skills and exercises can be very helpful here - available at get.gg . Or could we ask around for advice or different thoughts if something confusing happened or something seemed to go wrong? Are there official advocacy and advice groups for people in our situation? Remembering that at tough moments we can breathe, ask for a five minute time out to have a breather, find a quiet space and sit down and look through some different options.... Remembering our list of options in tough moments, can be so helpful. We can remember we have learned some new ideas and we can use them. Physically writing down a list of some type like that and carrying it with us, can be really helpful and can help us remember we can do different things and get different results now.

You've done really good work and stepped into some new types of choices LW, so that can be confidence-raising too. Knowing that you have moved and that means you can keep moving in new directions - that's confidence raising, because changes and different directions means different results. So remember that!

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you found a caring psychiatrist that hears you and understands and is will to work with you Lonewolf you deserve that compassion and understanding

 

[Lonewolf]

Thank you for not judging me!! It's been very difficult to return to psychlinks with all the recent changes in my life, but I am glad I did!!

 

[Banned]

Lonewolf please know you are not alone in how you feel. Struggling with gender identity is more common than you may realize, and it's something I've struggled with too. Like you, I don't particularly enjoy being female but I don't want to be male. I've had a breast reduction and hysterectomy. While I don't regret my surgeries, they are not the answer to your issues.

I hope one day you can find peace with yourself, and love yourself for who you are. It's not easy - I'm in my 40s and I'm just getting there myself, but it's worth the journey. I'm glad you found a good psychiatrist - I hope he will help you on your path.

 

[GDPR]

Thank you for not judging me!! It's been very difficult to return to psychlinks with all the recent changes in my life, but I am glad I did!!

It's good to see you back here and posting again.I'm really happy you finally feel like you are being taken seriously and your thoughts and feelings are being acknowledged and validated.

 

[Lonewolf]

I do feel that a hysterectomy will help me emensely!! I really do!! It will remove the parts of me that contribute to a lot of my issues!! I know that there is no chance on this planet that they will help me become what I truely am, but a hysterectomy is a very important part of me being able to move on!! I don't need that part of this body, never have never will!! I wish there was a way to become gender neutral if there is such a thing? I would be so much more comfortable in my own skin!! Less vulnerable, no constant reminders of the painful past and to finally be able to accept myself and be happy to be me!! I deserve that, don't I?

 

[GDPR]

Yes,you do deserve to accept yourself and be happy with who you are.What you may eventually find while,or after working through your issues is that you are already acceptable and worthy as you are now and that removing physical,female attributes isn't/wasn't necessary in order to do that.

I totally get where you're coming from though,I also felt like you,felt uncomfortable and vulnerable in my own skin.I realized during all those years of therapy that it really wasn't the outside that made me feel that way,it was how I felt on the inside,and even if I would have had surgery to remove or reduce,I would have still felt the same inside.

But then again,your situation may be different,I don't know,but I am glad you are working on things and I think you will figure that out for yourself in time.What I do know though is it's not possible to forget or remove the past by surgery.

 

[Lonewolf]

I had a plan for this appointment which included someone to support me and unfortunately this person is unwell and not able to go!!! I am now in a total panic and don't know what I'm going to do now! I am petrified!! I can't think straight!! I have just over 24 hours!! Anyone help? mg:

 

[forgetmenot]

Hope your appt went well Lonewolf i am sorry you did not have someone to support you though i am sure your doctor was understanding of your anxiety

 

[MHealthJo]

Aw sorry I didn't see that post at that time LW.

 

[Lonewolf]

Since I was last on here, a lot of stuff has happened for me!! The specialist I saw gave me the OK to have a hysterectomy, but then I was told I had to see a different specialist to get a second opinion because of the legal implications of it!! I have seen that Dr too and he has approved of it as well now!! I have been seeing a psychiatrist as well and she is now adjusting my medication!! I have been very stressed lately with Personal relationships, Christmas and the continuous strong urges and am under lots of pressure!! I unfortunately took a few too many meds(only a few) but I only see it as a blip!! Is this a sign that I am not ready for the next step or an I accept that it was a blip and I am ready to have this operation? I have waited since I was 17 years old for someone to take me seriously and now I am petrified one moment of weakness will ruin everything!!:facepalm:

 

[GDPR]

Hi Lonewolf,it's good to hear from you again.

It sure sounds like you have a lot going on.Have you spoken with your psychiatrist and your health care providers about all of this,about your blip and all this stress and your questions/concerns about the operation?

Is the operation coming up soon?Just curious 'cause with everything that's going on I am wondering if maybe things need to settle down some before you have it done?I don't know,I wish I knew what to say,wish I had some words of wisdom for you,but at least you know you're being heard,and I hope that helps some.

 

[MHealthJo]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this very stressful time LW. *hugs*

I wonder... if leading up to now, in the past year perhaps, you felt quite confident that this is what you want and you had support at some point like a therapist or counsellor or something along those lines that maybe helped you come to that decision... you could look back on that as reassurance that in the overall view of your life this is right for you, and you were considering yourself ready?

Big changes are scary and stressful, and the holidays can certainly be too. Sometimes when things get overwhelming, yes a blip can happen and we fall back on an old coping method. I guess that can happen to us anytime on difficult journeys we are traveling. It sounds like you have achieved amazing things for yourself in the past couple of years LW and have found new ways of coping and traveling along the path of life. It is something to be super proud of and a mark of validation and confidence to have in yourself, what you have been able to do. I wonder if it somewhat this could just be a situation of acknowledging the stress you are under right now and remembering self-validation about how things have been *in general*...? Not sure.

I wonder also if you feel like you needed to talk to someone more fully like someone knowledgeable on this, if there is a support line or charity or service for people undergoing changes like you, or other support lines you might have used before that can serve as a backup if in this hard time you felt like you needed to chat to someone on the phone?

Maybe someone here could also help with googling something like that if you think that could be helpful too while you are feeling overwhelmed. If you know what are the phrases that usually might find those kinds of things or anything like that, let us know if we could help in that way or something.

Warmth and strength to you....

 

[Lonewolf]

The specialist said it could happen within 3 months!! I will be so relieved when it's all done!! It's like a miracle!! I never actually thought anyone would listen!! Thing is I am not worried about the operation!! I have had major falling out with my closest friends who now won't even acknowledge me anymore!! They were the only two people I trusted and they both reacted awfully bad to it!! I am very sure that they won't forgive me but I am not backing out of it!! I've waited so long for this! It is quite lonely right now!!

 

[GDPR]

I don't understand why they would react that way over you having a hysterectomy.Did they explain why they feel the way they do?

Sorry that you are having these problems with your friends at a time you probably need them the most.

 

[Lonewolf]

One of them asked me to surrogate for her and obviously I won't do that!! She can't understand why I don't want children when I could but she does want children so desperately, but unfortunately can't!! The other one said it was for religious reasons!! Good reasons I suppose!! Just thought they would try to understand!!

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This is why I'm reaching out to anyone on here!! It's difficult!!

 

[GDPR]

Well,seems if they were true friends they would be supportive of you and your decision,regardless of their own wishes or views.But,you can get through this without them,you have survived much more than this,right?