• Quote of the Day
    "I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time."
    Anna Freud, posted by Daniel

Hunter

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I've been through so much diagnosed with PTSD, major depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I'm just trying to make something of my pathetic life. And the road has and is not at all easy for me. Everyday day is so hard and a struggle.

Well to add to it all, I was assaulted and thrown to the ground and robbed of my purse and groceries. This caused a severe panic attack and the police and ambulance were called. I just spent 7 days in hospital just got home. I no longer feel safe, who gets robbed in the daytime. I am just angry. My blood pressure was 160/100 nearly had a stroke. I couldn't get my heart rate back to normal, meds helped. My faith in the world is gone with all I've been through. I really didn't need more pain and trauma in my life.

Friends and family have asked me to come out. Right now I don't feel safe leaving my house. I don't want to talk to them because I feel embarrassed, shameful, and guilty. Why?.. That's just my brain thinking. I never did anything wrong or to deserve this yet I am just hating myself.

I did manage to text my therapist to say goodbye. I didn't want to live anymore. I've had it, I just couldn't take anymore. I attempted suicide a few weeks ago, took a whole bottle of oxy pills. My husband unfortunately found me in time. So I told my therapist that today when I tried to say goodbye. He was just closing up his office and called me and pretty much demanded I come see him. So I agreed. I was crying when I walked into his office. He came to me and just held me and hugged me, and I just felt that things were going to be ok. And I was honest and told him so. I've been seeing him for two years and he is just awesome. And yes I told him months ago I had feelings for him and said I was going to quit therapy because I was so ashamed. So we then talked about that and he said it was normal and we talked about transference. So then I felt better.

But today I just decided to give up, it seems just when I am feeling strong something else happens. The assault and robbery was my last straw. But talking to my therapist today just reassured me how incredible of a person of a therapist he is.

And that I feel blessed to have found him. He just kept saying that I was not alone that together we can get through this that we can get through anything. Today I truly believed that. His compassion, caring, and empathy are just so heartfelt.

We talked for two hours. I said you need to go home your family needs you, he said no, that he's there today as long as I needed him. He said call or text me anytime 24/7. I said no can't do that. He said well I will call you this weekend. I promised him that I would not harm myself that as long as he wouldn't give up on me that I wouldn't give up on myself. I will keep that promise to him and me.

So knowing that, I am feeling better. Just feeling physically and emotionally sick. Chest pains, rapid heart rate, stomach aches just all jacked up.

Any words of encouragement are welcome.

Thanks for listening.
 

gooblax

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Sorry to hear about what happened to you Hunter. That's awful and makes sense that you're very much on edge afterwards.
Glad to hear that you've got your therapist in your corner.
 

Daniel

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David Baxter

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Really sorry to hear about this @Hunter. :(

Please do keep in touch with your therapist during this crisis. And feel free to vent or look for support here as often as you wish.
 

Hunter

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And I wonder why I want to give up on life... My so called husband is texting and going out with his girlfriend again, this has been going on for 2 months and I am crushed. How can he fall out of love with me whose been there for him for almost 23 years. I just don't get it. He was the one person the one thing I could count on was him. I have asked him many times why... Why... What have I done wrong. He says he still loves me and that I was there for him through all his health issues for the whole time we've been together and he will always stay with me. But he's not with me when he's with her. It breaks my heart when he's been texting her for three hours about their plans for tonight.

Still he does this knowing about my last suicide attempt, he found me. He knows how the assault and robbery affects me, still he's going with her tonight. I just don't get it. Again, I just don't get it.

I just heard the song You say by Lauren Daigle, this song would get me through the tough times because he used to say the positive things in the song about me. It just hurts me so bad.

I just want to end my life, I have nothing to live for anymore. But I will keep hanging on because I hear my therapists words that together we can get through everything. He's the only reason I keep hanging on.

Why does life have to be this hard, I struggle with my pain and trauma everyday.
 

David Baxter

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Your husband sounds like a jerk but you're not living for him: you're living for you.

Keep talking to your therapist and to us.
 

Hunter

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Yes my husband is an absolute ass. Tonight before he went out with his girlfriend oh and he's got a profile on a dating site, I asked him for us to go out together for drinks and a meal. But no. Apparently I'm boring and the same old same old is how he described it.

He never wants to do anything with me just talk about his work and our business. Yet I never say how boring that can be. I just listen and seem interested. It's been ages since we went and had fun times, just go out when his family comes to town then he's all outgoing.

I think maybe I need to find me a boyfriend and we'll see how he likes that I've told him I may do that.. He was not happy. But why not if he can do it why not me. Two can play his game.

Tonight when he got home after being with her the usual name calling against me started that I am a loser and I said yes I must be because I'm still with you. I think the only reason I stay is because... Not sure mostly that I feel safe with him. Mind you I feel safe like that with my dogs.

Tonight when he was gone I flushed all my medications down the toilet, even my diabetic meds. The only ones I kept were my oxy meds for pain, but really those I used before in my suicide attempt about three weeks ago.

I just don't care anymore.. My life may as be over and I'm still alive yet I feel it's done. The only family I have are and were abusive to me my whole life. I stay alive for my dogs and for future sessions with my therapist. But is that enough.
 

Daniel

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Tonight when he was gone I flushed all my medications down the toilet, even my diabetic meds. The only ones I kept were my oxy meds for pain, but really those I used before in my suicide attempt about three weeks ago.

I just don't care anymore.. My life may as be over and I'm still alive yet I feel it's done. The only family I have are and were abusive to me my whole life. I stay alive for my dogs and for future sessions with my therapist. But is that enough.

Can you get a refill on the diabetic meds?

Regarding the suicidal thoughts, one thing that can help is "cognitive defusion" -- which is a way of not taking your thoughts at face value:
Stepping Out of Automatic Pilot

I'd be better off _______.

When a depressed person sees that loop emerge in her mind the urge to pull can be enormous. Agree with it and do something. Disagree with it and prove it wrong. But either way, take it seriously. Pull, push; Click, click; automatic pilot mode.
 

David Baxter

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Tonight when he was gone I flushed all my medications down the toilet, even my diabetic meds. The only ones I kept were my oxy meds for pain, but really those I used before in my suicide attempt about three weeks ago.

That won't punish your husband. That will just hurt you. Call your therapist and your doctor(s). You are going to need to get those refilled.
 

Hunter

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Yes I could go and get more of my diabetic, PTSD, depression, and anxiety and panic disorder meds, right now I just can't. Because I really don't care about me or what happens to me. Even the meds given to me after the assault to bring my heart rate and panicking, and my head from racing. I feel physically and emotionally sick. Last night I took too many oxy pills just to try and feel numb. To keep the voices in my head telling me that I'm not good enough that I will never be anything. I feel weak, unloved, unwanted, empty, I don't even know who I am.
I see my therapist on Wednesday but that just seems too far away. I need him now. I texted him how I was feeling but don't expect to hear from him until tomorrow. Seeing him just one hour each week just doesn't seem long enough for me. We no sooner start a session and then times up.
Until I see him I just don't know what to do.
 

Daniel

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Until I see him I just don't know what to do.

Maybe see your GP tomorrow or ASAP? Even if it is just to talk.

The important thing is to not make things worse. Which may mean doing the opposite of what you feel.

Just doing little things may help get you in the right direction. Like taking your blood sugar.
 

David Baxter

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Method 1

Click on your member name in the top right side of the header:

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On the next page click on Send Private Message.

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Method 2

Click on my member name in any post.

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Click on Private Message in the drop down menu.

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Daniel

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Yes I could go and get more of my diabetic, PTSD, depression, and anxiety and panic disorder meds, right now I just can't. Because I really don't care about me or what happens to me. Even the meds given to me after the assault to bring my heart rate and panicking, and my head from racing. I feel physically and emotionally sick.

Personally, I have put my physical health on hold while more anxious than usual (even before COVID-19), and the result was a (relatively pleasant) mini-lecture from my doctor after looking at my bloodwork. I learned that I no longer have the luxury of putting my physical health on hold. And I am all for psych meds like SSRIs since they can also can help with inflammation in both the body and the brain:

Chronic Pain and Depression—Why Antidepressants Treat Both

Multiple studies reveal that even in the absence of depression, these antidepressants have efficacy in multiple chronic pain conditions irrespective of comorbid chronic clinical depression.

And at the chiropractor today, I was reminded that anxiety can make pain worse, including back pain.

My daughter-in-law has type 1 diabetes and bipolar disorder, and it is almost impossible to separate her mental health from her physical health. Before she got an insulin pump, stress could quickly lead to hospitalization for her diabetes.
 
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