Been Hitting a Wall Lately... (not Literally... Something Darker...)

[insideiamdying]

Hi...

I have been struggling lately... Thoughts of self-injury have washed over me like waves in the ocean... and I have also had battles with suicidal thoughts...

Some of this has been due to some of those in my support group moving away... and no one else willing to step in...

but I have myself to blame as well... I reduced my Seroquel medication from 800mg a day to 400... I did it over a six month time period... from 800 then to 600 and then to 400...

I also reduced my Pristiq from 150mg to 50mg...

The first thing I noticed was my emotions returned... Movies would make me cry... and I enjoyed those feeling... I wanted those feeling... but with no one to talk to those emotions

at times took me to dark places... that's where the thoughts of self-injury came in and thoughts of suicide... I have come as close as placing a knife on my arm and pressing down...

I like the tears after so many years of having none... and another confession... I having told my psychiatrist... I have an appointment in 2 weeks... I will tell her then...

I don't want the medication back... I want to learn to control the emotions... and use them instead of being used by them...

also... and most of you don't know me well enough... I was/am transgender... male to female... but I have been overwhelmed by those feeling again... living as a female in secret...

The church I go to will not be happy if they hear this... I, for now, will not tell them... but I have been wearing skirts at home and string bikini panties... bras and other items...

even wearing makeup... to the church, this is a sin... for me this is freedom... dare I say, God has made a mistake... I make a very ugly girl I have been told...

but the face in the mirror is me... I need to talk to someone... but I'm not sure any in the church will understand... I'm not sure God will understand...

So there is my secret... and my sin...

Jeff

 

[Mari]

I am sure God will understand. Your psychiatrist can help with your medication issues and hopefully help you with better options than self-injury. Keep safe.

 

[MHealthJo]

Glad that you could talk about it with us here Jeff.

I just wanted to say too that things that seem impossible with utterly no answer, with the right support for example a trusted therapy relationship over time.... with time a person can gradually find possibilities that seemed like they just did not exist... impossible things can become possible as people put pieces of a puzzle together over time.....

Kind thoughts to you Jeff and keep in close touch with your psychiatrist, (and therapist/psychologist if you have access to that too) as well as organisations and charities for people facing what you face... reading their stories can also be something that keeps hope glimmering, and illuminates possibilities......