• Quote of the Day
    "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
    Thomas Edison, posted by Daniel
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I don't know if this is normal or not. I don't know what is normal. LOL.

I can look in the mirror one day and think that I am ok for the day. That I look "ok." That no one will be repulsed by me. Then the next day I look in the mirror and just want to burst into tears because I am so repulsive. Do I change that much overnight and look so different? Does everyone go through this? I have on occasion cut my face because of this. I think that I'm so hideous that it doesn't matter if I'm scarred or not. Then a day or two later I don't see the hideousness.

It's like this with my weight too. Somedays I am ok. Somedays I want to crawl in a hole and die because I am so fat.

Do most people feel this way?
 

ThatLady

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Well, Janet, I think all people have days when they feel they don't look as good as they do on other days. Heck there's even the saying "I'm having a bad hair day!". ;-)

I think some of us take those feelings and run with them, blowing them out of proportion. It's one of the problems we have, being of depressive mind. The bad things multiply and the good things hide. Yet, if you can realize here that you can't look all that different overnight, it's something you can use to battle those thoughts when they appear. Just try asking yourself that question..."Can I really have changed that much overnight?". When you see it in that light, it's easier to realize that your emotions are playing tricks on you. I realize, however, that to do that is easier said than done. It's something we all have to concentrate on doing consistently.
 
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I definitely am much more negative than positive about myself. I just wonder which is the real me? The ok me? Or the repulsive me? I guess if I could figure that out I could know which way to go with my thinking.

Thanks for answering! :) You have good advice.

Janet
 

ThatLady

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Janet, dear, I can answer your question. The repulsive you is the imposter. I can tell that quite easily just by reading what you post here, and the way in which you post it. :)
 
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You know, I don't really think it's about how I look. I think it's about the disgustingness that is inside, that I can't never get rid of no matter how hard I try. That's what I see when I look in the mirror. I can't scrub it off or cut it out or burn it away. It's just there no matter what I do or where I run to. I can't get those thoughts or memories out of my head. That is what is so hard to live with. That's what makes me think that life is too hard. That I'm the most worthless person in the world.
 

David Baxter

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ThatLady is right, Janet: The "repulsive you" is the imposter. The "repulsive you" is actually not you at all but the memories of other people and things they have done to you. It isn't you who's repulsive -- it's them.

Have a look at this site, Janet: COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ADULT CHILDREN OF DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES -- in spite of the main focus of the site, it's not only about Adult Childen of Alcoholics...
 
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I don't know what to do. All my life I've been knocked down and I've kept getting back up and going on. I know I sound very negative here, but in real life I'm not. The worst of me comes out here. I do keep going on. I try to have a good sense of humor, to make people laugh, to not show them the pain inside. No one would know, except my husband who sees me cry. I think that's why he treats me the way he does. He can't stand my weaknesses. I can't stand them either.

But I'm tired of getting back up. The last two years I just quit. I feel like I'm broken. So much of me is just gone. Most of the things I used to love and enjoy I don't even care about anymore. I don't see how anything can help. I can't change what happened and it's just taken so much of me away. To think that people can treat each other the way they do and I can't figure out WHY.
 

ThatLady

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Sweetie, crying is not weakness. Crying is emotional release. We all cry. Some of us bottle up the tears and cry only on the inside. Yet, even those who do still cry.

Think, for a moment, what you might do if you saw someone crying. Would you treat them badly? To me, it seems that if a person is crying, they're already feeling badly enough. They don't need me to make things worse. Somehow, I get the feeling you'd react as I do. Now...what does that say about a person who would say cruel things to someone who was crying? Who's the disgusting person in the pair? Who, in fact, is the weak one in that pair. Believe me, it is not the one who is crying.
 
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No, I wouldn't be cruel to someone who was crying. It doesn't seem right somehow. Wouldn't seem right.

I can't figure all of this out. I feel so lost.
 

ThatLady

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You're not lost, hon. You're finding yourself just fine. You just need to keep thinking things out, just like you're doing.

Too many times, instead of living life, we allow life to live us. We sorta sit back and let things happen to us because we're afraid. We don't have enough confidence in our own abilities to reach out and control what goes on from day to day. Then, somewhere along the way, we wake up and realize that this isn't working very well. That's when we start questioning, as you are doing now. That's the beginning of the road to recovery...the questioning, the seeking of answers, and the applying of logical thought. Once it starts, the light begins to shine through at the end of that loooong tunnel we've been travelling through.

As you stop and think about some of the things you're dealing with, you begin to see that it isn't you who is in the wrong all the time. That's not an easy realization, as you're used to seeing yourself as the bad guy...the one always in the wrong. When you start to realize that you've been wrong about that, you also have to accept that you're going to have to do something about your thinking. That's gonna take work, and nobody likes to have to do that kind of work. It's often painful, and it can involve a lot of life changes. For many, it's easier to just fall back into the old ways and drift along. You don't seem that type. You're looking for answers, you're finding answers, and you appear to have the courage to want to apply those answers to your life situation. It's just a matter of getting up the nerve to do it that first time.

Most of us have been where you are at least once in our lives. The situations may have been different, but the fear of change, the fear of facing up to the monsters that we have created for ourselves, those are the same for all of us. That's why we can come here and discuss them. We've all faced our own monsters. Some of us are just a bit older and further down the road to slaying the pesky beasts! ;-)
 
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ThatLady said:
Too many times, instead of living life, we allow life to live us. We sorta sit back and let things happen to us because we're afraid. We don't have enough confidence in our own abilities to reach out and control what goes on from day to day.

This is true and I am so afraid it's too late. I mean, what if I've used up all my chances at life. The things that have happened to me are so mild compared to what lots of people go through. I just don't get why I can't handle them.

ThatLady said:
As you stop and think about some of the things you're dealing with, you begin to see that it isn't you who is in the wrong all the time. That's not an easy realization, as you're used to seeing yourself as the bad guy...the one always in the wrong. When you start to realize that you've been wrong about that, you also have to accept that you're going to have to do something about your thinking. That's gonna take work, and nobody likes to have to do that kind of work. It's often painful, and it can involve a lot of life changes.

This all is so painful. I got through things before. I can't understand why I'm having such a hard time now. I"m just so tired or something. I just can't think straight anymore it seems. What if there really is something wrong with my brain? What if I really am what I am told? I"m typing these words and I know tthey're not making any sense. I'm not thinking rationally. I don't know why.

I really really appreciate you taking the time to answer me. It means a lot. It makes me feel not alone. I have made myself alone so much and it's a sad way to be.

Thank you.
 

ThatLady

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There's really nothing to thank me for, hon. All I'm doing is encouraging your dialogue with yourself. That's what you need to do, in my opinion....keep talking sense to yourself. In your heart of hearts, you know the negative things you've been led to believe about yourself are untrue. You've shown me that when you've reacted to things we've talked about, and to which you've given some thought.

You're surrounded, it seems, by negative people saying negative things. This has become your life, and you're inured to it. The danger is that we who end up in situations like this allow ourselves to quit fighting and just roll along. That's the easy way out...or, so it seems. Actually, it's the worst thing we can do. The best thing we can do takes work, and the guts to stand up on our hind legs and announce to the nay-sayers that we ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! Sometimes, that will shock the negative people around us into looking at what they're doing and making an effort to change their ways. Sometimes, it will not. If it doesn't, that's when the real work starts, because that's when you have to let it be known that you won't be around for them to take out their self-hatred on anymore. That's when you become responsible for your own life, and your own happiness.

What I'm talking about is not easy, hon. I know that. It's not something one just up and does. Yet, once the thinking starts, and logic tells us that we're not the worst piece of offal ever to grace the face of the earth, we MUST walk away from that which would drag us back down into the dirt. That's the scary part, isn't it?
 
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It is scary. It is hard to sometimes see that maybe this isn't all my fault. It's easier to believe that bad things happen to me because I'm a horrible person. IF that's not true then I have to face what could be true. I can protect myself from things by saying and believing that I am disgusting and horrible because I can't figure out why people do the things they do.

And I think I'm not making any sense at all.
 

ThatLady

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You couldn't be more wrong, Janet. You're making perfect sense! Facing the fact that we are responsible for our own lives is scary as all heck! Yet, it's also the truth. If we can lay back and just say "Well, I'm a horrible person and I deserve all this icky stuff that's happening to me.", we don't have to do any work, and we don't have to take the responsibility for making changes that might be scary and difficult.

You just made one heck of a big discovery! Pat yourself on the back, girl! :)
 

ThatLady

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Heh. I'm just plucking a few strings. It's Janet that's making all this fantastic music!
 
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So people just need to somehow accept themselves as they are. Maybe I'm not a supermodel or beautiful, but I am me and somehow I just need to accept me and try to like me, if I can't love me. And treat myself the way I want to treat other people, with kindness and patience? Maybe I'm thinking too much. LOL.
 

ThatLady

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Exactly, Janet. We can be no more than we are, so we will do best to accept ourselves as we are. We can sorta turn the Golden Rule around and apply it: Do unto yourself as you would have you do unto others. ;)
 

Sonz

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First of all, Janet, you are surely not alone and we all, especially the ones with ED' s, feel we look like crap. I feel the same way, sometimes its a good day and sometimes its not. One thing I have been working on in couseling is being less judge mental. it sounds mean but when I see someone who I think is fat, ugly, etc, I am totally judging them in my head, which is why I think people are judging me all the time. Ive been working on realizing that one cares if you dont weigh 100 pounds and have perfect hair, clothes whatever. Like that lady said, you not only want to treat people the way you want to be treated but you dont want to make them feel worse by thinking negative thoughts about them. Who cares what other people do or lool like, right? Well thats what I am working on.
Its hard though to accept the way you are. How can you become ok just being you and not a supermodel.
 

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