[Trigger] Can Abusive Husbands Change?

[pritchbouse]

I am so glad I have found this site after browsing hundreds of online forums, & articles on Domestic Violence, the information I have read here has been a great source of support, so thanks for the great work.

My husband assaulted me seriously over 2 months ago, he put me in hospital with a few facial fractures, and I have had further operations to repair the damage. He strangled me last year I supported the Police in charging him as I felt this would stop it, however the violence escalated over a year, he was verbally abusive too and always displayed this behaviour in front of my children.

My husband has moved in with his parents whilst he awaits his trial, he is charged with Section 18 with intent (just under attempted murder) & threats to kill, which I guess he will get a custodial term. So far his behaviour and attempts to reconcile are pretty much as stated in "The Cycle Of Abuse", and it's reading here a great deal of the tactics he will use to manipulate me is what empowers me to resist and reject them. He say's he is sorry, but some of his actions are not consistent, which keeps my guard up.

Two weeks ago I was low and he was comforting, I went to see him and we had a meal and for a few days I felt that maybe we could resolve this, my anger diminished, and I started to think with help could eventually reconcile. Whether it was fear, paranoia I am not sure but I was sure that I could feel the control creeping in, I explained this to him and stated that it will take a long time for us to work it out, however it was clear in his mind that we were together.

My reaction was to explain we were still very much apart, however he took no notice and the more I retreated the more he bombarded me with calls & texts, in a matter of a few days I was receiving at least 100 all demanding to know where he stood, and saying the same over and over. I warned him to stop he ignored me, I asked for space he ignored me, so I changed all my numbers and prevented him from having contact.

His reaction was to stop contact with his son & instead go clubbing and flirt with women knowing I would get to hear. He then sent me emails stating that I was to blame for everything and his friends think so too and name calling. Stating he has seen me for all I am and so on.

Was this my fault, I know I was wrong to let him in but he didn't value the boundaries I set, and I felt threatened as he quickly tried to resume life as a couple. I am so confused by his behaviour but so far have offered no reaction and have ignored his attempts to provoke one.

All I need is some advice on where I go from here? and maybe what I am doing wrong, I would be grateful for any help as I am totally confused

Thanks for reading my post xx

 

[ladylore]

First off - Welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

Your husband's behaviour is scary. I use to work in violence prevention for almost a decade. I can say that it is very rare that someone who is abusive change - not without intenstive therapy themselves.

Two weeks ago I was low and he was comforting, I went to see him and we had a meal and for a few days I felt that maybe we could resolve this, my anger diminished, and I started to think with help could eventually reconcile.

This is normal - you were together for a long time and we gravitate back to what we know, even if it isn't healthy. It can't resolve on it's own. And by reconsiling at this point is putting yourself in danger

Whether it was fear, paranoia I am not sure but I was sure that I could feel the control creeping in, I explained this to him and stated that it will take a long time for us to work it out, however it was clear in his mind that we were together.

My reaction was to explain we were still very much apart, however he took no notice and the more I retreated the more he bombarded me with calls & texts, in a matter of a few days I was receiving at least 100 all demanding to know where he stood, and saying the same over and over. I warned him to stop he ignored me, I asked for space he ignored me, so I changed all my numbers and prevented him from having contact.

What scares me the most with your situation are the phone calls. You don't own him anything. He assaulted you.

My suggestion would be to talk to a counsellor at your local shelter for assaulted women. They are trained to help you through this. And your worth the help.

 

[white page]

Welcome pritchbouse

Glad that you found us, First I am so very sorry that you have been so pysically and emotionaly hurt.

I agree a hundred percent with ladylore, only lengthy and intensive therapy can alter these behaviour patterns.

your husband is the father of your children so you will always have an emotional tie with him, but hopefully at a distance, his behaviour is dangerous and I would seriously avoid being alone with him in a private house.

Violence like this generally escalates, he will continue to be violent towards you , and the chances are he will be violent towards any new partner he will have in the future if he doesn't get therapy,

There is absolutly nothing which excuse or justifies this violence and non respect of your boundaries.

Keep safe, you have to be there for your children , don't let this man make them into orphans.

I lived with a violent husband, I left in time.

 

[pritchbouse]

Thank you

I have done that and based on a risk assessment they have installed an alarm system & security doors, I just find it difficult being open with her. But I have been used to his level of intrusion, he has for some time monitored my every move and accused my of affairs.

Just when he states that I am the problem and his family, friends & work mates think I am crazy and to blame then I wonder if he is right? He also said I just want people to pity and feel sorry for me!

I used to hide my injuries and either hide and minimise anything that he done, I would take him back as he would tell me what I did wrong and I would accept that. I sometimes fought back & gave him scratches on his face which he made a point of showing everyone, and when I called the Police he would be calm and co operative & I was usually screaming my head off - thats why I stopped calling them.

I just don't know what is real anymore and my confusion is deepening by the day. I was not a perfect wife I know that, but its my nature to assert myself. If he disliked me talking to friends on the internet, I would never stop it and would explain so and then we would argue, then he would destroy or try to destroy my things and any injuries he had were usually as a result of me trying to stop him & get him out of the house. I question whether I should have stood my ground and just kept my mouth shut?

Sorry for the long post I just need to work out this jumble in my head, and I am grateful for any help & advice xx

 

[white page]

Just when he states that I am the problem and his family, friends & work mates think I am crazy and to blame then I wonder if he is right? He also said I just want people to pity and feel sorry for me!

He is wrong , without the slightest doubt.

His behaviour is sadly and tragicaly classic, have a look at the narcissitic personality articles here, abusive narcissists always work things out to appear to be the victims , whilst they are beating the hell out their partners or children. e.g. she , they drove me to do it.

That is just not acceptable or normal, you have gradually become accostomed to abnormal seriously abusive behaviour and have in the process lost your own reality, this one of the big reasons that you need help from a therapist, to reconstruct your reality and not be under the control of his perverse and dangerous reality.

There is no shame to be felt, you are the victim.

 

[pritchbouse]

I really appreciate the advice

Just my recent punishment is not seeing the children, watching my 4 year old making "Daddy" a card and then seeing him sob has totally floored me today. He was even telling himself "Daddy is working & has to get money". Before I changed my numbers he loved them so bad Watching my kids hurting is killing me.

Thats what I mean about his actions, they don't match the words.

 

[white page]

:hug:That's exactly why so many woman find it so very difficult to leave, there are so many ambivelent feelings.

I do feel for you. Remember though the trauma your children suffered from seeing him be violent towards you, Of course they love him he is their Daddy,
they also are full of ambivelent feelings,

That is why it is such a good idea to seek help during this period from the professionals who deal with these very complex situations daily.

 

[ladylore]

Keep going to see the therapist there for as long as you can. And if need be ask them to refer you to another therapist for longer term support.

One question to ponder: If a stranger, "friend' or aquaintance assaulted and demeaned you like your husband has/does, what would you do?

 

[white page]

:agree: Ladylore has hit the nail on the head with that question.

 

[pritchbouse]

Thank you for your help.

Is there any articles on dealing with your ex's behaviour?

 

[ladylore]

Abuse, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

This section may be of interest to you

 

[pritchbouse]

Thanks I have read most of that, just need something that explains my feelings and the kids too, just knowledge helps so much.

The question regarding if a stranger treated me this way?

My answer is (I'm sure you will understand) That I have no emotional connections with a stranger, and as you no doubt know the majority of time my husband was/appeared very loving and caring, however there were outbursts but were so infrequent I could minimise them by reminding myself of "the good things" it sadly was a sacrifice I was prepared to take.

It's only when I decided I was no longer a slave, and started asserting myself and not catering to his demand that the violence and abuse escalated, by then I reacted in ways that were equally aggressive as I was frustrated to the point of explosion. There was never a logical reason or argument, it was a waste of breath, I often reached points where I would pull my hair, headbutt walls, and drive to 24 hour stores for peace and to escape the stress.

Therefore, I could accept that it was my behaviour that was of a concern

It feels like abuse by stealth and thats why I feel so confused.

XXXXXX

 

[ladylore]

I do understand the emotional ties of it. And I applaud you for taking the steps to end the cycle because nobody deserves to live like that. So bravo for doing something about it.:goodjob:

Do you have a safety plan to get out and somewhere safe if need be. I assume you have created one with the counsellor, but double checking.

 

[white page]

It's only when I decided I was no longer a slave, and started asserting myself and not catering to his demand that the violence and abuse escalated, by then I reacted in ways that were equally aggressive as I was frustrated to the point of explosion. There was never a logical reason or argument, it was a waste of breath, I often reached points where I would pull my hair, headbutt walls, and drive to 24 hour stores for peace and to escape the stress.

This was the pattern of my relationship, you were reacting in a defensive way, in the face of increased oppression, of course he didn't like it , you were standing up for yourself and trying to express your needs and innate rights as a human being.

Why should his needs be more important than yours, fifty /fifty is normal and adult.
Were you married very young?

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: pritchbouse :welcome: to Psychlinks.

Everyone has gave you wonderful advice.

I really wanted to applaud you for having the strenght, courage etc to make sure your husband was charged with assulting you. For having the strenght to leave him and to set boundaries and to stick with it.

I am also proud of you for questioning your husbands motives after he left and was being "nice" again.

Please stick with this and the boundaries you have set. No one deserves to be treated that way and it is definately not your fault.

Most people who are abusive are also masters of manipulation. They make us feel it is our fault and turn the blame back onto us. This could not be further from the truth.

 

[pritchbouse]

Thank you so much for the support, I have been really good till my little boy was distressed today. It's actually been the posts by David Baxtor (spell check) that has taught me so much, far more than any person or document, and I only found this site by chance, it's been a lifeline and you have no idea of my grattitude:2thumbs::2thumbs:

I did marry young just not to him, however I did stay alone with two children and was happy, but the things I have read about the relationship becoming intense so soon is all typical, sadly I saw this as love and my soul mate, and being honest whilst I could give him my total adoration and attention he was "all that", and thats why I have held on for 8 years.

I have no intention of dropping the charges, he nearly killed me and I have plates & mesh in place to hold my eye socket and cheek together. It's over 2 months and my eye is still black, scarred and my sight will never be the same. He hit me with a full can of beer for being with my mate, but in his head I was with a man!

To add further damage he let my 4 & 8 year old run out to my mates home a mile away in shorts and barefoot after he assaulted me, it was 11pm (the older 2 were out). He gatheres the alcohol, my car key, laptop, mobile, cash....changed his blood stained clothes and left me out cold. I came round later and managed to get help.

It's these factors that sicken me and make me determined to see him jailed.

As for the escape plan, you may think I am nuts but everything he does is covert, like he acts reasonable when the cops turn up & even cries, he is pretty gutless then, the only times he is ever aggressive and violent is here in my home in front of me and the kids. I believe he is terrified of jail and I just cannot see him behaving in a way to exacerbate the present charges !!!

So if there's any points I am interested, and thank you all again (I have at least stopped crying)

 

[white page]

All I can say is that I am so very proud of you, that you are holding out:support:

 

[Always Changing]

I am so sorry you have had to endure both physical and emotional abuse :hug:
I was in an emotional abusive marriage and it took me 10yrs to wake up and see that it wasn't my fault that he behaved the way he did.
My ex husband was a street angel and house devil. No one on the outside knew what went on indoors. I too had young children at the time, eventually I left with the children.

I can relate to your situation in some ways. The mental torture and manipulation that my ex put me through and later put my kids through also (because he couldn't "get to me anymore") was hell and all the while portraying himself as the victim of a wife who left for no reason.

I really admire you for your courage in standing up to him but would say to you to stay away from any contact with him at all. Obviously with children involved this might be difficult but arrangements can be made for visitation\contact with their father via a third party.
As I said earlier it took 10yrs to wake up and get out and I am so glad I did. I hope for your sake and that of your children that you can get the support and help you need to do the same.
Please mind yourself and stay alert to his manipulation and ploys to get you back onside, because if you do go back I fear you will once again become his "punchbag", even if he seems to be nice about it.

Take good care of You and yours. :hug:

 

[ladylore]

Thank you so much for the support, I have been really good till my little boy was distressed today. It's actually been the posts by David Baxter (spell check) that has taught me so much, far more than any person or document, and I only found this site by chance, it's been a lifeline and you have no idea of my grattitude

Most of the article you will see here are links from other site and Dr Baxter isn't the the author of the posts. He or another members are the ones that found the article and posted it.

As for the escape plan, you may think I am nuts but everything he does is covert, like he acts reasonable when the cops turn up & even cries, he is pretty gutless then, the only times he is ever aggressive and violent is here in my home in front of me and the kids. I believe he is terrified of jail and I just cannot see him behaving in a way to exacerbate the present charges !!!

Safety plans are for those times when you feel threatened or in danger. Covert abuse is sometimes more dangerous then overt. And your husband acting reasonable when the cops show up is usual. I have heard of this happening alot.

I am really happy he is out of the house.

 

[pritchbouse]

Thanks both I do realise that David is not the author, he obviously is the founder I guess and supports the information you all find?

Which I have to say is about the best, in addition to being very user friendly

Everything I read and my DV officer tells me is that I am in the highest possible percentile of being killed! I have ticked every box except the one that has asked "has HE threatened suicide" no never. I have only just started to disclose and maybe relate that if he had sex while I was asleep its not lawful, but thats another can of worms

I feel awkward even having an alarm, like hey i am fine its not that bad, yet EVERYONE is screaming it is! What am I not comprehending? What makes me feel like he is no threat except, verbally and emotionally?

I feel he has way too much to lose, maybe I aint getting something?
However, I do apologise x