Children who have rejected Parents

[shelda]

My husband and I are no longer needed or wanted by our grown children.My husband has COPD and has had bladder tumors and a low grade prostate cancer,this has all led to a depression and we both seem to be stuck in a rut.I was a stay at home Mother for over 30 years.

I started a cleaning company 7 years ago which two of our daughters helped me with.We had a cleaning contract and the new manager decided to let us go as they no longer needed the services.My husband has been in a depression since 2003 when the company he worked for let him go after 13 years,he was in a car accident the year before and it all made it worse,for the last 9 years he has been working at anything he could find.He found a somewhat decent job in 2010 and they laid off everyone so he was on unemployment insurance for 28 weeks.

The UI ran out and now he just sleeps when ever and does what ever.I have not enough job experience and have had no call's for employment.We are staying with a niece and I can see her patience wearing because of this rut and depression we are both stuck in.

My heart has broken because none of our adult children want us and he sleeps at random times day and night.Our daughters do not call me or have not much to say when we drive over and see if they will be home.All of our children have enough room for us to stay with them but none of them want to be around us.

Any thoughts on our predicament and what we can do?

 

[Retired]

My husband has been in a depression since 2003

Welcome to Psychlinks, Shelda.

What treatment has your husband received for his depression over the last nine years?

All of our children have enough room for us to stay with them but none of them want to be around us.

Do you have any thoughts as to what may have led to this rift?

 

[shelda]

He has been on a few anti depression medicine's one of them was Pristiq which led to him having massive stomach aches and dehydration.He does marijunia daily which he says helps his pain.One of the reasons one of our daughters want nothing to do with us is we owe them money from borrowing in the past.The oldest one is I think because her husband dislikes us and the youngest four is because they say we do not get along.

 

[Retired]

One of the reasons one of our daughters want nothing to do with us is we owe them money from borrowing in the past.

Have you considered discussing this openly with them to figure out a plan to settle the debt? Debts among family members are usually a source for discord, and should be avoided if at all possible.

Pristiq which led to him having massive stomach aches and dehydration

Was this confirmed by his doctor, as these are not side effects usually reported with this type of medication. By dehydration do you mean he experienced dry mouth, which is a reported side effect, but can be overcome using various over the counter products.

He does marijunia daily

Is there other drug use in your family?

What treatment is he receiving now for his depression?

 

[shelda]

I will try to discuss it with them,I had been waiting until we have a job as right now we are without our selves.He vomits so much that he becomes dehyrdated and this is why we go to the hospital.There are no other drugs used by him.I do no drugs.

 

[Retired]

I will try to discuss it with them

In situations where there is debt among friends or family, ignoring the subject usually causes a split at worst or tension at best. If the debt cannot be immediately resolved, by showing intent to repay the debt, with some kind of firm commitment with a deadline date might go far in alleviating the uneasy tension the situation could have caused.

He vomits so much that he becomes dehyrdated

If the vomiting was due to a side effect of the antidepressant medication, the doctor could prescribe medication that could reduce the nausea; and in most cases, the nausea usually subsides after the first couple of weeks as the body becomes accustomed to the new chemical balance. Additionally, when this occurs, replenishing not only water for re-hydration is necessary, but also electrolytes with a sport drink like Gatorade.

If he is ill with depression, it should be treated and he should not have to live with the symptoms of the illness.

Not only is his and the family's quality of life affected, but probably his ability to be productive is also hampered, is this correct?

 

[shelda]

I know you are right about the debt we have with our second eldest daughter,but to cause a rift like this where she knows her father is ill is almost too much to bear.His productiveness is hampered he can barely sleep he paces alot.So you are suggesting that we try and talk to her about this debt but we have no money as of yet to pay her with,maybe it will work though as it has broken my heart and I know his too.He had a lung lobectomy in February of 2010 they discovered he has emphysema,she bought him some patches to try and quit smoking and he did for 45 days and is smoking still she is up set at this as well and has told him she does not feel he will live for more then 5 years.She had a baby last July 22 and he is one year now.Our association with him is very limited to say the least.So am not sure it is just about the money either,but do know that is a big part of her anger.

 

[Retired]

So you are suggesting that we try and talk to her about this debt but we have no money as of yet to pay her

I think there should be a quiet discussion with her to clear the air and to let her lay all the cards on the table.

You might try doing this by arranging a to have coffee at some place neutral, like a nice coffee shop where you and she can speak privately but frankly with one another.

You could ask her what, if anything, is the reason she avoids having contact with you, which could give you the opportunity to ask, right out front...is it the money?

If the money is in fact one of the issues, you could then explain your situation, but that you do have the intention of clearing this, as soon as circumstances permit.

Then you could ask, "Is there anything else that is a problem?"

If she talks about another issue, then ask the same question...Is there anything else?

By finding out everything that is causing this rift, only then can you figure out what needs to be done to calm the situation.

From what you've shared, it sounds like your husband's health, and his difficulty to deal with his smoking seems to be an issue for your daughter, wouldn't you say?

Is he seeing a doctor now and do you think he might be willing to ask for treatment for his depression?

 

[bloodwood]

Hello Shelda
I am really sorry to read about your long run of difficulty.
About your children, one things occurs to me about the rift. We know that some people have a great deal of difficulty dealing with others who are having trouble or are suffering mental difficulties. Often enough when I am depressed I want to be alone and I also notice that some individuals show a clear discomfort being around that condition. Even fearing the influence that your depression might have on their children.
I have encountered this. Some people simply do not yet understand. Aside from that debt and other things, could that be a contributing factor?

Also you said that you are not able to pay the debt right now. When owed money it sometimes helps the lender if the borrower makes clear the appreciation and desire to repay. Is it at all appropriate that you might offer to sit with the kids on occasion in an attempt to offer something in return.
Make it clear that the offer is the result of the loan. And even it they do not accept, it offers them a clear indication that you will do what you are able right now. Or something along these lines if you are not able to make that offer. It might conceivably help mend broken ties a little and reopen the relationship.

I wish you the best.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

We know that some people have a great deal of difficulty dealing with others who are having trouble or are suffering mental difficulties. Often enough when I am depressed I want to be alone and I also notice that some individuals show a clear discomfort being around that condition.

I agree totally. This is something I have often observed as well as experienced personally.