David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Dealing with Explosive Children
by Robert Needlman, M.D.
Thu, Apr 12, 2007
This blog entry is about the many, many children who are brought to the doctor because of explosive behavior. See if any of these portraits sound familiar:
All of these explanations are possible. Some children are simply spoiled, simply the product of bad parenting, or simply (although of course it is not simple at all!) have mental illness. But most of the time there are several causes, not just one. For example:
The best blanket advice I've heard comes from The Explosive Child, by psychologist Ross Greene. He suggests that you sort a child's demands into one of three "baskets":
by Robert Needlman, M.D.
Thu, Apr 12, 2007
This blog entry is about the many, many children who are brought to the doctor because of explosive behavior. See if any of these portraits sound familiar:
- He walks past his sister, who is watching TV. Without warning, he slugs her.
- Any time you tell her "No," she screams and swears at you, and keeps it up for 20 minutes.
- He can be happy one minute, and screaming and throwing things the next.
- Her face changes -- she's like a completely different person.
- You never can tell when she'll explode; it could be any time.
All of these explanations are possible. Some children are simply spoiled, simply the product of bad parenting, or simply (although of course it is not simple at all!) have mental illness. But most of the time there are several causes, not just one. For example:
- One child who often flies into rages has one parent with depression and one parent with bipolar disorder, also called manic-depression. Emotional problems often have a genetic cause. But he's also been exposed to his parents' emotional ups and downs, which might be a source of upset, and also a powerful example.
- One child is highly sensitive to changes in temperature, noise, and lighting levels; changes throw her off. Her explosions come most when she's exposed to these stresses -- stresses her parents barely notice.
- One child was traumatized when his mother was suddenly taken to the hospital; he's been anxious about separations ever since. His parents tried to cope by sneaking away, so he wouldn't get upset. As a result, he's even more clingy than ever, since he can never be sure when his mom or dad will disappear.
- One child has learned that explosions get him what he wants, at least some of the time. Often what he wants is to not have to do whatever it is that his mother wants him to do at any given moment. He doesn't like the way it feels to blow up, but he often likes the result, if it means he gets to keep on playing.
The best blanket advice I've heard comes from The Explosive Child, by psychologist Ross Greene. He suggests that you sort a child's demands into one of three "baskets":
- In Basket One are the demands that you agree to give in to, because they are reasonable, or because you don't care one way or the other. Your child wants his sandwich cut into triangles instead of straight across. Fine: triangles it is!
- In Basket Three are the demands that you absolutely never will agree to, no matter what. Your child wants to use your steak knives for target practice, in your kitchen. Not happening. For these sorts of demands, you say No and you don't waver, even if your child blows up.
- Basket Two is the most interesting. This is where you put demands that you don't absolutely agree or disagree with. You use these Basket Two demands to teach your child compromise. Begin by explaining that a compromise is when everyone gets some of what they want, but nobody gets it all. Your child wants to go outside on a cold day without a coat. You're pretty sure he'll get cold. A compromise might be that he carries his coat, so he can put it on if he gets cold. The more you can help your child to compromise, the less you'll both have to deal with unwanted explosions.