Dealing with my mother and growing up

[briochick]

This morning I got a Skype message from my mom. It read:

Hi [Brio],
[Your father] is being a control freak again.
Are you there? I need someone to talk to.​

In response I have slept most of today. What? That's right, a single comment from my mother and I'm quite capable of being pulled back into the dregs of depression.

Virtually the only thought that I've had running through my head today is "I move to the other side of the planet and I *still* can't get away from her."

Is it normal for a woman's only friend to be her daughter? For her to reject even time with her husband in preference for time with her daughter? Sometimes my mom has said that my dad is jealous of me, and sometimes I wonder if he has a right to be. She has always shown me a level of affection that I'm uncomfortable with (since I was little and she told me I was her reason for living and I *freaked out*).

I have encouraged her time and again to make friends but she always has some excuse about how people aren't trustworthy or my father won't let her (I've *asked* him and he said it was ok, so unless he's still being abusive...). I think my mother has made two friends in the last ten years and both of them were psychologically ill. I feel guilty for that. I think that maybe she was modeling who she wanted friends after who I was and I only started getting treatment three years ago. Of course her friends who were my mother's age, not my age, and had managed to retain their illnesses proved to be undependable and only reinforced my mother's ideas. Sometimes I wonder if she chose them as a kind of self-defeating measure, so I would *have* to be her friend.

Also, when she says stuff like that about my dad I can feel it spreading into my heart as a kind of vicarious bitterness toward all men. I've asked her time and again *not* to tell me. I've told her how much it upsets me. And maybe she'll go a couple of months without talking about it but she always starts to again. It makes me wonder if my father is still psychologically abusive to her. I lived with them for six months last year and it didn't seem that way. My sister is closer to my father than to my mother. But my mom never seems to want to touch my dad, never wants him around her, talks bitterly about how "clingy" he is. She seems to long for me to come home. I wish I could skip "home" all together.

I wish I could scream at her, but she is the only one *I* feel comfortable talking to when my own depression/illness is riding me hard. She's seen me at my worst and at least I know she won't turn me away, but I'm starting to think the price for it is also a bit of my sanity. Because, since it's not a mother/daughter relationship to her (though I'm not allowed to critique her) but a friend/friend relationship if I'm allowed to dump on her than she's allowed to dump on me.

I have and do get extremely upset by this and I wonder if this as much as my father's past abuse is why I am still not even dating (already feeling bound to someone and hating it?). I also wonder if it's me. Is my mom fine and that's why her behavior hasn't changed? Because my requests have been unacceptable?

I've asked her to go to a therapist but she won't.

Please, any suggestions on what *I* should do, and how I should respond, even if that means I'm supposed to change my own mindset would be very welcomed.

 

[white page]

Re: Dealing with my mother and growing up.

Hi Briochick,
I am so very sorry that you have been triggered in this way, needing to cocoon and protect yourself from this agression, and agression it is. in view of what you say in your post.

Is it normal for a woman's only friend to be her daughter? For her to reject even time with her husband in preference for time with her daughter? Sometimes my mom has said that my dad is jealous of me, and sometimes I wonder if he has a right to be. She has always shown me a level of affection that I'm uncomfortable with (since I was little and she told me I was her reason for living and I *freaked out*).

No it is not normal or healthy for a daughter to be the only confident of her mother. Though I have compassion for your Mom's distress, it is to professionals to which she should be turning and not to you. It is not your role as a daughter to listen to any difficulties she may have with your father.

And you did well in trying to establish those boundaries.

I wish I could scream at her, but she is the only one *I* feel comfortable talking to when my own depression/illness is riding me hard. She's seen me at my worst and at least I know she won't turn me away, but I'm starting to think the price for it is also a bit of my sanity.

This is where it does become very complicated for you, you need a Mom, and not a friend. You need someone to listen and comfort you, without paying the price of having to be a confident in turn.
It maybe is a good idea to find for youself a person to whom you can turn to in times of distress, where the relationship is clearcut, are you yourself seeing a therapist?
You have the right to say to your mother that you are not disposed to talk about your father with your Mom, and that the right person to do this with is a counsellor. Be firm with this , and if your Mom rings say calmly to her, if your Mom enters the subject, '" I don't want to listen to this and I am now going to hang up, if you continue" and do hang up saying "sorry Mom I did warn you" is this possible briochick?

For some reason your Mom has fixed on you, as a reason for being, this is such a heavy load to bear, and I do understand your need to didtance your self physically and mentally, this is your right to do as your life belongs to you and not to your Mom.

you may find the following thread useful. take care wp



http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-f...shment-collusion-and-toxic-relationships.html

 

[briochick]

Re: Dealing with my mother and growing up.

That's interesting (and by interesting I mean kind of upsetting and surprising and disturbing) that you say aggression, I never thought of it that way...
I'm not seeing a therapist right now, but I plan to rectify that as soon as I get to a "Western" country.

I think in the sense of "briochick, is it physically possible for you to say that to your mother?" that, yes, I can. I think in the sense of am I able to do that? Well, I haven't been able to yet, though I've tried to psych myself out for it enough times. *ironic laugh* In the past it's always seemed like when I'm most ready for a conflict she pulls back so that I would have to be the one to initiate the conversation and the conflict and she would get to react instead of me getting to react to her. At which point I hit the breaks hard, because if the problem is not active in the moment than wouldn't that just make me the bad guy for bringing it up?

(thank you for the link, I am reading it right now)

 

[white page]

Re: Dealing with my mother and growing up.

I am so sorry Briochick that my choice of the word agression has upset you. That is last thing I wanted to do, forgive me , maybe the word intrusion would have been more appropriate.

I"m glad to know that you are planning to work with a therapist as soon as you can. this is the best option for you, it would help you to construct coping techniques in the face of intrusive demands from your Mom.

 

[briochick]

Re: Dealing with my mother and growing up.

Um, the word aggression isn't a bad word. If that's what you perceive I don't see why you should curb that because my response was unhappiness. *laughs nervously* I've learned to take most of my emotions and kind of look at them like you would examine a pinned butterfly. Of course, this is because the figging butterfly has tried to eat me a few times. lol. ^_~ That being said, there is no need to apologize, I was simply stating my feelings as I was thinking about what it would mean if my mother has been aggressive toward me and I have let her have that and those thoughts were upsetting, not you.
But, also, thank you for your thoughtfulness.

I will be finding a therapist somewhere in the next four to ten weeks.