Everthing is tangled together

[Cat Dancer]

I am really struggling right now. I know some of it is OCD. I know some of it is eating disorder related. But I do think the two are closely related? I feel so uncomfortable in my skin, in my body. I feel like there is something on me that I have to get off. There are voices saying that I need to be clean and I need to do things to get clean. It is eating type things and purging type things.

I am so exhausted trying to sort this out. What is real and what is not real. What is OCD and what is something I actually need to do. I don't have objectivity about these thoughts. I feel frantic right now and I want to cry. I don't want to misrepresent myself to you all. I don't want you all to think I am good. I have a LOT of bad in me. I think bad thoughts and sometimes I say bad things. I don't know how to fix this. .

I though dealing with the OCD thoughts might get easier in time, but it hasn't. There is so much intensity connected with the thoughts that I feel very worn down and tired and the eating is bad and the purging.

I don't know. I just needed to get this out. I don't expect answers or magic solutions. I just needed to get this all out and what I've written doesn't really make sense.

I am taking all my medications except the Ativan. I am afraid to take it. I'm afraid to have it around. I don't think I deserve to have relief from the anxiety and I am afraid of overdosing.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you are getting it all out here ok CD it helps to release the tension some when one post. You do deserve peace hun and if you are afraid to keep ativan with you get someone to hold it for you until you need one ok. I sometimes have to take anxiety med only when i get really really bad You need it hun you take one ok. hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

Yes I am really glad that you talk and let things out here, CD. It is always okay to just talk about whatever is on your mind. WHATEVER is on your mind. That is what a place like this is for.

I am so sorry that you have illnesses that are so exhausting and confusing.

It is always okay to talk, and that will help keep you on the right track as best as you can be at any time. And sometimes you will be off track and that doesnt mean you are bad or should stay away. That is when we can help most with support and advice.

xx

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I am taking all my medications except the Ativan. I am afraid to take it. I'm afraid to have it around. I don't think I deserve to have relief from the anxiety and I am afraid of overdosing.

As I have said many times, for those who suffer from OCD, increased stress and anxiety ALWAYS caused the OCD symptoms to become more severe.

The thought that you do not deserve to have relief from anxiety is an obvious OCD symptom.

Your doctors prescribed Ativan for a reason. Do not use it irresponsibly but do take it according to the directions given to you by your doctors (and written on the medication label).

 

[adaptive1]

I know how you feel but I don't see the bad in you, just a good person who struggles.

i know what you mean about the medication, I am paranoid about the seroquel that I am on and and I obsess that it will kill me but I just try to distance myself from that thought. It's very hard though.

 

[forgetmenot]

It is so crazy how our mind thinks i cannot take any medication only the aprazolam and that only when i am so so bad with fear then i take it. I don't know why our minds fight us but it does