Facing the pain

[Cat Dancer]

Right now I am not cutting and burning myself, but I'm more into the eating disorder. Using it to cover and hide emotions and thoughts and memories even. I am ashamed of this behavior. It's also hard to be honest about it. It affects everything though. I even wonder if my medication works right because of how I'm eating or not eating.

I have to face this sooner or later because it's destroying me. I'm not functioning. I guess I know why I developed eating disorders, but is that really helpful? I need to stop trading one self destructive behavior for another. But I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up yet. I guess that's important. I have to want to stop. Oh, it's so confusing. I do want to stop and be healthy, but I haven't been able to do that so far. I have no clue what it is like to eat normally.

When I was hospitalized the dietician really helped me a lot. Maybe I need more help like that. I don't know why I'm writing all this. I'm frustrated and discouraged with myself. I guess there's no magical answer.

 

[ladylore]

How did the dietician help you? Do you remember what the dietician said? Imagine that he/she is there with you right now. What would the dietician suggest?

:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I know one thing she would say is make sure I eat some protein.

 

[ladylore]

Thats a great idea. Can you do that? Nuts, eggs... anything like that in the house that you can snack on or cook up?

 

[Halo]

Do you think that you could talk to your doctor or therapist about possibly setting up some kind of nutritional counselling so you have someone to talk to like you had in the hospital? It may really help.

Also as has been suggested before, don't forget about Boost shakes and the like which are great for getting some nutrition into you.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just can't eat right now. This is really bothering me. I need to be honest with my therapist about what's really going on. I can never get help if I'm not truthful about how things really are. I don't think he really knows how bad it is. I should ask him about seeing a nutritionist. It's hard even writing about it.

 

[Halo]

Maybe writing about it and giving him the writing will be easier than verbally telling him. Yes I think that being honest with your therapist is probably your best way to get the help that you really need and want.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Writing about it is so hard. I've been trying and I haven't been able to put it down properly. I feel like screaming. Agh.

 

[Into The Light]

what if you wrote it as if it was just for yourself. temporarily forget that it might be read by him.

then when you see him next just give it to him.

it's something i am trying myself right now. as difficult as it may be, sometimes we just need to close our eyes and take that step forward and hand over that piece of paper.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That's a good idea. Thanks.

 

[Into The Light]

i don't know if what i just wrote makes enough sense.

what i am trying to say is sometimes we can't let our fears hold us back any more. we have to face them. and we do that by getting ready for that mentally, and then, even though we are still afraid, we take the next step. we do it. shaking all the way, but we do it.

i have an assignment that i have to do. and i am going to have to talk about it at my next appointment. how do you feel about doing this together? you can pm me if you prefer.

 

[Halo]

I do a form of writing that I call Free Flow Writing which I always begin and feel that is just for my eyes only. I write anything and everything that pops into my head...anything. I never write with the intention of letting anyone else see it. No matter whether I think that something is relevant, useful or whatever, I just write it because it is a thought and I find that it really helps to just get it out of my head and onto paper.

It is not until I normally finished with the writing do I decide on whether I am going to share it with my therapist. I will say that I normally do because it does reveal some good insight into my where I am at and what I may be struggling with. Although it was difficult at first to just let the writings go as is without editing them, I find that is has gotten easier over time.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I need to start doing this free flow writing. I don't think I can heal from this eating disorder unless I get the emotions out. And maybe the bad memories too. Like tonight I had a snack because my medication seemed to get stuck in my throat and I thought having a snack would help get them down. Now I just want to get rid of it all, but that would be so detrimental. So I'm just sitting here feeling icky. I don't know how else to describe it. I honestly think the eating disorder is the biggest obstacle in my life. It's ruined and tainted so many things in my life. I avoided fun activities in college because of it and I regret that. And after college and even now I avoid things because of food. It's very anxiety producing.

I need to open up my online diary and just write all this stuff down. I think it would also be good for my therapist so he could understand me a little better if I shared with him what I write.

 

[Halo]

Janet,

I think it would be really helpful if you tried the free flow writing. Like I described above, I write everything and anything that happens to come to mind. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense but it is what I am thinking or feeling at the moment so I write it down.

Good luck with your writing and let me know how it goes for you :hug: