David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Fantasy - and its Effect on Reality
by Sandra Brown, MA, in Sanctary for the Abused
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Women who are in relationships with pathologicals test very high in the trait of 'fantasy.' Fantasy is not just merely wishful thinking. Fantasy has other components in it that effects your here and now life.
Fantasy is often associated with the future and in some ways the past. Here's how... women often stay in pathological relationships because they feel panic or fear of abandonment when she or the pathological tries to end the relationship. They end up re-contacting or allowing re-contact be-cause of these feelings of fear/ panic/ abandonment.
The past association with those feelings is that abandonment is an early childhood feeling. As adults, we don't technically feel 'abandoned.' That's because as mentally healthy adults, we can't be abandoned. So that feeling is an early childhood feeling usually associated with some time of adult or parental abandonment. It is an age-regression feeling -- something that pulls us back to our childhood or a very young emotional state.
The feeling of 'ending' a mate relationship often subconsciously without our realizing it, sets off childhood feelings of abandonment.These are past associations and it taps into fantasy that it is happening all over again when it really isn't. The previous male in your life who did abandon a child is not the same thing as a pathological leaving your adult life.
But inside, internally, the child feeling is so strong that it feels like a 'hole in the soul.' The fantasy of THIS being the same as THAT takes hold and your panic makes you go back or allow him back in.
Fantasy is also future oriented. Fairy tales are fantasy are based on "Once upon a time"... and "Happily ever after"which is all the good stuff that 'might' happen in the future. Women stay in relationships with pathologicals based ona lot of 'fantasy future betting' -- that is:
Why? Because pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way and the inability to see how his behavior effects others.
But women also stay in pathological relationships based on 'projected fantasies' that is, she fantasizes he will be happy with the NEXT woman and she will get all his good traits and none of his bad. This too is fantasy... that his pathology somehow will not effect HER the way it effects you.
Here's some info: Pathology Effects EVERYONE the SAME!! (Unless she's pathological as well -- then who cares if he goes on to have a relationship worthy of a Jerry Springer Show?).
Your real life with all it's drama and pathological intrigue is going onright NOW while you are all hung up in your head in fantasy. You are MISSING your real life that is happening right now! Your life is drama, it's obsession and intrusive thoughts. You are ignoring your own health, your own self care and happiness and probably your children and friends. THAT'S your real life --- but your fantasy is telling you 'just a little longer and he'll get it and then I'll have the life I really want.'
Did you get sucked back on to planet earth just then?? Did you feel the wind tunnel effect as you came back into the here and now?
Just WHAT ARE you fantasizing about today?
Sandra L. Brown, MA is the CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Education and the author of 6 print books including How to Spot a Dangerous Man, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and countless e-books. She holds a Masters Degree in Counseling and has founded and directed other mental health agencies, residential treatment programs and other psycho-pathology oriented educational programs. She has been seen on over 50 TV shows, on front pages of national newspapers and national and international women's magazines.
by Sandra Brown, MA, in Sanctary for the Abused
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Women who are in relationships with pathologicals test very high in the trait of 'fantasy.' Fantasy is not just merely wishful thinking. Fantasy has other components in it that effects your here and now life.
Fantasy is often associated with the future and in some ways the past. Here's how... women often stay in pathological relationships because they feel panic or fear of abandonment when she or the pathological tries to end the relationship. They end up re-contacting or allowing re-contact be-cause of these feelings of fear/ panic/ abandonment.
The past association with those feelings is that abandonment is an early childhood feeling. As adults, we don't technically feel 'abandoned.' That's because as mentally healthy adults, we can't be abandoned. So that feeling is an early childhood feeling usually associated with some time of adult or parental abandonment. It is an age-regression feeling -- something that pulls us back to our childhood or a very young emotional state.
The feeling of 'ending' a mate relationship often subconsciously without our realizing it, sets off childhood feelings of abandonment.These are past associations and it taps into fantasy that it is happening all over again when it really isn't. The previous male in your life who did abandon a child is not the same thing as a pathological leaving your adult life.
But inside, internally, the child feeling is so strong that it feels like a 'hole in the soul.' The fantasy of THIS being the same as THAT takes hold and your panic makes you go back or allow him back in.
Fantasy is also future oriented. Fairy tales are fantasy are based on "Once upon a time"... and "Happily ever after"which is all the good stuff that 'might' happen in the future. Women stay in relationships with pathologicals based ona lot of 'fantasy future betting' -- that is:
- 'he might stop being pathological,
- ' he might marry me,'
- 'he might stop cheating,'
- 'he might tell the truth.'
Why? Because pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way and the inability to see how his behavior effects others.
But women also stay in pathological relationships based on 'projected fantasies' that is, she fantasizes he will be happy with the NEXT woman and she will get all his good traits and none of his bad. This too is fantasy... that his pathology somehow will not effect HER the way it effects you.
Here's some info: Pathology Effects EVERYONE the SAME!! (Unless she's pathological as well -- then who cares if he goes on to have a relationship worthy of a Jerry Springer Show?).
- Women fantasize that this 'abandonment' feeling will effect them the way the childhood abandonment did (and it will not--just as an FYI for you).
- Women fantasize that he will be different with them. If he is truly pathological he is hard-wired. This IS his DNA.
- Women fantasize that he will be happy in the future and she is missing out on something. If he is truly pathological, his patterns don't change.
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Your real life with all it's drama and pathological intrigue is going onright NOW while you are all hung up in your head in fantasy. You are MISSING your real life that is happening right now! Your life is drama, it's obsession and intrusive thoughts. You are ignoring your own health, your own self care and happiness and probably your children and friends. THAT'S your real life --- but your fantasy is telling you 'just a little longer and he'll get it and then I'll have the life I really want.'
Did you get sucked back on to planet earth just then?? Did you feel the wind tunnel effect as you came back into the here and now?
Just WHAT ARE you fantasizing about today?
Sandra L. Brown, MA is the CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Education and the author of 6 print books including How to Spot a Dangerous Man, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and countless e-books. She holds a Masters Degree in Counseling and has founded and directed other mental health agencies, residential treatment programs and other psycho-pathology oriented educational programs. She has been seen on over 50 TV shows, on front pages of national newspapers and national and international women's magazines.
