Feeling Wierd

[poohbear]

I'm newly separated. Living in my own appt. for abt. 2wks. now. The first week, I was so busy working and moving in, I had no time to reflect. The next, it was my week to have the kids-- we alternate weeks. This week, my middle one was sick, so I offered to keep him with me. So, I was off this week, AND had quiet time. I decided to just take the rest of the week off. I think I'm depressed, but am not really sure, as I have been really detached from my feelings for a while-- years, in fact. (anger, though, usually isn't an issue.) One night, soon after moving in, I was thinking about living alone, being alone, you know, and cried a bit. But not much. Then, since then, nothing. The last few days, though, I've eaten like a pig in a grocery store. (I'm bulimic.) I've only purged once. And have slowed down quite a bit, since I've realized what I've been doing. But it's disconcerting to think about all this. To think I can't be alone with myself and be happy. Especially after being so UN happy for so long in the marriage, and to have looked so forward to moving out, and then to be doing this. I really enjoy being in my own space. I don;t miss my husband, really. The kids, yes-- him, no. I can keep my place as clean or as messy as I want it. Clean is usually the norm. He was impossible to live with-- a slob to the core. So, it's such a relief to have my own space to keep clean, to have my own way. He also would not let me move things in the home the way I wanted-- he'd actually move furniture BACK when he came home. Even if it took him all night to do it. He left all his paperwork all over the house. Never cleaned the kitchen. Only did laundry when he ran out of underwear.rarely vacuumed. Hated air fresheners. Man -- am I being too picky? Is it too much to expect your surroundings to be clean and orderly? Anyway-- Ive been feeling weird today. Wanted to see if anyone else had been thru this. Got any advice?--Poohbear

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Change of any kind often seems a bit weird at first. That's probably part of it. But it's probably also about not having to tiptoe around him any more. And maybe part of it is ambivalence - on the one hand, you think you should feel happy - on the other hand, you've just ended a kind of nightmare that started as hopes and dreams. Even if you're not grieving the loss of the marriage, part of you still has to grieve the final end of the dream.

 

[foghlaim]

To think I can't be alone with myself and be happy.

Poohbear, I can relate some bit to where you are now, I was once in a very controlling marriage. I'm out of it for quite a long time now, but it does take some time to get used to being on your own. At times being on my own, i didn't know what to do with myself... at times i actually missed having to do thing the way they used to be done.. His way. In time and it did take time... i was able to settle down within myself and like being on my own. But it does feel weird for a while.. so my guess is that this is normal.
as David mentioned above... while you now have a new found freedom.. you probable will grieve what you had, good or bad.. it was part of your life for a long time. I can't say i grieved for the loss of my marriage but i did (i think) grieve for where i used to live, (the area, my house) if that makes any sense.

Give yourself time to be. "Be" being where you are at.. keep a journal maybe and you'll be able to look back on these times as a time for growing, learning, trying new ideas.

 

[texasgirl]

Poohbear, I was in two pretty awful marriages before I finally found the right guy. My first husband sounds a lot like yours - I had to line up his socks according to color, fry his bacon PERFECTLY flat or it would get thrown at me (or whatever else was handy). He was incredibly abusive to me and my kids - even beating my little baby boy black and blue when he was 3 months old because he was crying. Nevertheless, when we split for the last time shortly before he committed suicide, I slept on the couch and put a chair under the front door to keep out intruders and did all sorts of weird things. I got a lot more confidence as time went on. Wishing you the best.