Feels like this is the only way I can channel what I am feeling

[AmZ]

I'm having a real rough day. My anxiety level is really high and hasn't been like this for a while. My insides are constantly racing, I can't focus, I can't keep still and am restless and am not feeling happy on top of that.

Tomorrow is on my mind. Monday is one of the days I have off work each week and both this day and Wednesday is meant to be full of behavioral action things and I'm meant to be nice and busy. I normally have therapy on Mondays, but my therapist is abroad for a week, and as bad and sad as it sounds, tomorrow is looking very bleak for me. If I at least had therapy in the evening, then I could go to the gym during the day, see my sister the once a week I see her and then go off to therapy... But I've got all morning, day and night with nothing planned and having all those gaps in-between things and being at home, or even getting out and doing something in the first place, sounds virtually impossible.

I'm extremely racing and frustrated inside and don't want tomorrow to happen. I am having thoughts to hurt myself, to feel something, to punish myself, to release some of whatever these feelings are inside of me. I can't think of any other way to channel these feelings.

My therapist said after the first time I self-harmed that she is going to write up a contract between us that says in order for us to carry on working together in therapy, I must not hurt myself again. This was never written up or signed, but I kinda guess that we have a verbal contract. I am too honest to be able to do something behind her back and not tell her I did it, so I would have to tell her, but I'm afraid what she'll say or do. But the urge is so strong.

I am highly agitated and getting tearful at work and don't know what to do with myself, esp tonight when I get home as it's just that one bit closer to tomorrow.

 

[Daniel E.]

But I've got all morning, day and night with nothing planned and having all those gaps in-between things and being at home, or even getting out and doing something in the first place, sounds virtually impossible.

If you tell yourself it will be hard or difficult to do things on your own, then it will be hard or difficult.

Some questions to help you change your perspective:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/mental-health-in-the-workplace-and-on-campus/24772-he-got-me-fired.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/8993-the-work-of-byron-katie.html

If a thought isn't helping you -- even if you think it may be true -- then you don't need it. So trying on the opposite thought, e.g. "this will be easy," for even just a week can help.

 

[AmZ]

I appreciate your reply Daniel.

If even a regular Wednesday is difficult enough where I have the choice of several things to do and am busy from morning to night and tomorrow is completely empty, I am for sure in a bad position to start with.

It's really bad, I'm starting to not even like hanging out and being with my sister and the baby, my beautiful fun niece... It's really upsetting me as I was genuinely enjoying their company and now, I'm not because of how I am feeling inside and feeling like I am being fake whilst having that horrible sinking feeling inside of me.

I was going to go on a day trip somewhere but I'm not in the right frame of mind to go and do something like this alone.

I feel so darn trapped, confused and empty... And hate towards everything and everyone around me including myself. I either want to go and smash something up, or smash myself up a bit. I'm raging inside.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's hard for me to read and give advice because I'm struggling with these awful thoughts too.

As far as not wanting to be with your sister and niece, feeling fake. My therapist says I HAVE To do things that go against what i'm feeling or I'll never get well. It sucks. I don't want to do the stuff he tells me i need to do, but I do make myself most of the time. I'm still waiting to feel a lot better. For me it's been a long time. I am stubborn though (therapist actually said that). And he's right. I don't think you are like that though.

I am trusting my therapist at this point because I feel so badly that I know I am not rational and he is rational.

Anyway, hurting yourself will not help anything. In the end it just makes things so much worse. So much worse.

I'm really scattered in the brain today so this probably doesn't make much sense.

hang in there. Daniel has good advice.

 

[Daniel E.]

Tomorrow is on my mind.

What about making the most of today? There's a saying that the best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.

 

[AmZ]

What about making the most of today? There's a saying that the best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.

Trying. But I'm just sitting at work and thinking about it and things.
I've calmed down a bit and am planning what I want to do tomorrow. I have some things sorted so it's good. If I wake up with enough get up and go then the gym in the morning, then some lectures from 12.30pm-3.45pm, then will probably see my sister and niece and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with them.

It's really tough to deal with these mood changes all the time, from one minute or hour to the next I totally switch. Is that even normal? If I carry on like this, then the medication will need something done to it, with either the dosage (even though she didn't seem to want to raise the Effexor above 225mg which I am already on) or to add something - It's just not working out enough for me. I can't carry on like this and don't think I should have to - I'm not looking for the medication to take away everything, by far not, but I'm bad for days on end with one good day in 2 weeks for example... I'm not experienced in this but know that I can't like like this for too much longer. The bad is too bad and is no better than my bad days I had before being on the meds. If not, sometimes worse.

 

[Daniel E.]

I can't carry on like this

That is sometimes called "provocative psychological content" that may seem dramatic enough to justify one's ruminations, but rumination is almost by definition unhelpful regardless of the circumstances. And just as one can spiral down with rumination, one can spiral up with CBT and mindfulness.

With practice, one can treat moods like ruminative/obsessive thoughts -- accepting rather than judging and without it interfering with behavior (at least most of the time). One of my favorite phrases of late is "If you don't want it, you've got it." And that is all about acceptance, mindfulness, cognitive defusion, etc.

Relatedly:

“Oh no, there it is again; I can’t believe it...” Without meaning to, you are off and running into your wishing it was gone...

The ultimate goal of treatment is to be able to enjoy the present for what it is.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/obsessiv...lest-obsession-obsessing-about-obsessing.html

 

[defect]

Feel the fear and do it anyway.
That's the titile of an excellent book, but it's also the only way for any of us to survive.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you Daniel for your advice.

I admit that myself and other depressed people have distorted thinking, I'm not in denial about that.
When I refer to not being able to carry on like this, the rest of the sentence and paragraph is key also.

...she didn't seem to want to raise the Effexor above 225mg which I am already on) or to add something - It's just not working out enough for me. I can't carry on like this and don't think I should have to - I'm not looking for the medication to take away everything, by far not, but I'm bad for days on end with one good day in 2 weeks for example... I'm not experienced in this but know that I can't like like this for too much longer. The bad is too bad and is no better than my bad days I had before being on the meds. If not, sometimes worse.

I am trying to be as level headed as possible and see things for how they are - I'm taking in to account the medication that I have been on for 3 1/2 months, plus the therapy for 9 weeks or so twice a week, adding it all up, and seeing where I am now compared to where I was before and trying to really assess it as well as I can. I can honestly say that I had that one good day a couple of Wednesdays ago and as much as I am trying and doing therapy, going with things, doing my homework, reading etc... I really honestly feel like the medication is not doing much for me at all. Maybe again I sound like the type of person or thought that you were explaining in your post... That I am trying to justify my ruminations... But really.... Ah grr, I can't explain.... Can I not make an analysis of how things are going, or is all of that rumination? I was just referring to the medication and the fact that I am needing a bit of a help along from both the medication and therapy... Just therapy isn't enough, as although I and my therapist can see some improvements since we've been working together, at least her professional opinion has been that from her experience, the medication in many ways is not doing enough to assist me also. And I am not thinking like this because she just said this. I gave my viewpoint on it and explained, and she can see what's going on and it's clear to see that this is the case.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I know I'm not clear. But like I say, I was just referring to the medication in the grand scheme of things and to be honest, I am feeling like I am doomed if I say nothing, or doomed if I say something! I'm seriously so up and (mostly) down (in the last week and a bit especially) it's ridiculous. The ups are like nothingness, not good ups, just OKness, but few and far between. The downs like now are... well, I won't say any more because I will be told that I am ruminating too much! I just got back from work and I know from reading this post it seems like I'm probably in a right old mess and driving myself crazy. Truth is, I'm calm, but just upset and still feeling like I have the strength and am still thinking that I will do the things on my list to do tomorrow... But I am unable to control my crying right now. As much as I try to control it or not. I'm not telling myself that I am breaking down. I am not getting all OCD. I am just purely still way down in the dumps and the medication, well, you get the point. I really don't think it is really doing much at all for me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Black and white, all-or-nothing thinking there, AmZ:

1. You've already had one bad reaction to SSRIs. Given that, your doctor's caution is responsible medicine.

2. As I recall, the psychiatrist did not dismiss the idea of increasing the Effexor but instructed you to remain at the present dose for now. And you have not been on that dose for 3 1/2 months.

3. Increasing the Effexor above 225 may or may not help but there is research suggesting that as one approaches the maximum recommended dose for one of these drugs it is often more helpful to change medications than continue increasing the dose.

4. Neither therapy nor medication nor the combination c an be expected to have instantaneous results.

5. You have reported more good days in these forums than you apparently recall - selective memory and discounting the positives.

6. Some of the distress you're feeling lately has nothing to do with therapy or medication not working. You are addressing issues long suppressed for the first time and in all likelihood that is the direct cause of many of your "bad days".

 

[AmZ]

If I am really this useless and failing so much here then I can honestly say that I e**ing hate myself! Seriously.

1. Yes, I know and understand that.
2. If she would have just given me a darn clear answer (I am not getting angry at you) then it would have been OK. I asked three times and she just kept laughing it off and saying that we'll talk about the dosage/medication next time we meet in another month. Why couldn't she just give me some darn information and tell me the truth! Either she doesn't want to raise the dosage now/ever or that I just need to wait. That's why it pees me off. This is my body here taking the medication and me in this situation. Whilst she has to do her job carefully as she is the one giving me the medications, at least explain to me what the deal is so that it's not so frustrating to deal with this cr*p from them too!
3. We'll see about this. All I got out of her was that she said about possibly 'adding something else' in the future. Whenever or whatever that may be. Who knows.
4. Do I really still come across as seeming like I am expecting instantaneous results here!? As I am sure you are aware from your professional experience, one day of this feels like a lifetime, and I am not on day one here of feeling bad, this has been going on for 5 months. I'd hardly call that asking for instantaneous results. Yes, I need more patience, fine, I am trying, but patience is a lot more of a longer term thing here that I am trying, compared to saying that I am expecting instantaneous results.
5. I know. I admit that I have distorted thinking etc etc... I know I have it. The bad days, which are 90% of the time, yes, 90%, at least haha, are difficult. I can't explain how pent up I am now. Really. I know, I know, distorted thinking, making it worse for myself, failing.. etc.
6. I hope all the issues come out and get sorted then. I know they make my worse days worse or cause them, sometimes without me even knowing. I don't know if I'm venting about these enough in therapy to be honest. Like I've said, we've gone all 'behavioral action' and it's a bit like sweeping everything else under the carpet. I feel physically nauseous right now.

Please forgive me. I know I'm not in a good mood and don't mean anything personally.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, in studies, the people who do the worst are those who are on a waiting list. Those people have longer bouts of depression than those who aren't getting any treatment at all. And so it's my belief that waiting for some future treatment or dosage that is not yet available (for whatever reason) can be problematic.

 

[AmZ]

I can't imagine being in that situation. I really can't.

Anyway. I'm sorry. I'm really trying to not totally break down right now. I won't say any more but the fact that I feel so close to the edge of losing it and don't know what to do to control myself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's not a question of taking anything personally, for me or other members who reply, I mean. What I'm trying to point out is that your posts evidence clear and persistent cognitive distortions, the types of cognitive distortions ("twisted thinking") that are symptomatic of mood and anxiety disorders.

To put it bluntly, you cannot trust your perceptions - or your memory for that matter - right now, and this is precisely the reason you need to be challenging your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions with CBT.

Regarding the psychiatrist, she has asked you to remain on the current dose of the current medications for a while longer to clarify your situation, not to mess with your head. Jumping from one medication to another is a nightmare for most patients, believe me. Her restraint is both professional and commendable. If she were changing medications every time you see her, you would have a lot more to be concerned about.

one day of this feels like a lifetime, and I am not on day one here of feeling bad, this has been going on for 5 months.

That is simply not true. Go back over some of your threads here and you'll see that those 5 months have been a mix of good and bad days. That is common, perhaps even typical, of people being treated for anxiety and mood disorders.

Are you still expecting instantaneous results? Perhaps not, but your impatience with the speed of your treatment is clear. And that's a problem because it's setting you up for frustration and disappointment and adding to your depressed mood. Unrealistic expectations do that.

 

[Daniel E.]

Unrealistic expectations do that.

In other words:

"When you feel anxious or panicky, you may make matters worse by insisting that you shouldn't feel this way. This is like throwing gasoline on a fire, and your anxiety gets worse."

~ David Burns, The Feeling Good Handbook

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/general-...63-starting-to-feel-different.html#post174207

"At the very earliest stages in which mood starts to spiral downward, it is not the mood that does the damage, but how we react to it."

~ The Mindful Way Through Depression (Google Preview)

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for the replies.
I was really getting very bad last night and was on the verge of doing something. Maybe it's still classed as 'self-harm' but in the end, I took 3mg of Lorazepam because I just couldn't bear the feelings inside of me and how raging I was. That knocked me out anyway so I just went to sleep and that was it.

this is precisely the reason you need to be challenging your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions with CBT.

At the time when I am in a 'moment' like last night for example, I try to do this, but at least for now, my efforts are not working. I don't know if it takes more time and practice or whatnot, but I don't know if there is anything else I can do when something like last night happens and it's 10pm and whatever, and (at least at this point) can't control myself.

Regarding the psychiatrist, she has asked you to remain on the current dose of the current medications for a while longer to clarify your situation, not to mess with your head. Jumping from one medication to another is a nightmare for most patients, believe me. Her restraint is both professional and commendable. If she were changing medications every time you see her, you would have a lot more to be concerned about.

I agree. From what you say, you are right. I just wish that things were a little more thorough. She just asked me how I was feeling and I told her that at this point, I don't feel like there is much improvement and some days are very bad and I can't go out of my apartment, other days where I question life and/or self-harm and am extremely down etc. Anyway, that was it, literally one question and one 1 minute reply from me and she said "see you in 4 weeks time". I know that I need to have the patience and just agree and get on with it. If that is the only thing she needs and can say and there is nothing else to do, then that's that.

...your impatience with the speed of your treatment is clear. And that's a problem because it's setting you up for frustration and disappointment and adding to your depressed mood. Unrealistic expectations do that.

I know that one can't put a time frame for 'how long' it could have taken for me to get out of this or something, from the beginning. Things just snowballed and got a hell of a lot worse which I wasn't expecting. Even in the first place, it seemed to the therapist that things wouldn't take that long for me and we arranged 12 sessions or something but after a couple of sessions, she said that she can see that we will need longer. That time frame wasn't stated of course, and I know that nobody could say how long it could take anyway. Again, I know I just need to go with it and stop the thoughts like 'I'm 25 and wasting precious month/s / year/s here' or 'This is 5 months and counting, wow, nearly half a year being in this horrible situation!'. It's not only my thoughts that make me more pressured and make me feel worse, you are right, but it's that of those around me. I've got to try and not listen to others, but because I am so confused myself, when my dad or sister says something, especially my dad, thinking that he has all of this life experience so 'must know what he's talking about', I get things in my head that don't relate to me. Like my dad asks on Friday how long I have been seeing the therapist for now and says that it's a lot and that I shouldn't rely on her and this and that. Even though I don't agree even slightly with his comments, somehow the thoughts get in my head and it makes me question everything. Then I have 2 people tell me at work how they were on anti-depressants and felt great after a month of being on them, without therapy also. So then I think that therefore, the medication 'can't be right' for me, after being on it for nearly 4 months. So I question that and feel frustrated that it hasn't been like that for me. Even my dad said that when he was on Prozac about 12 years ago, he felt great after 3 weeks. I know that I shouldn't listen so much to other people, but even if I don't, it's still a long time to be feeling and struggling like this for. Especially with having no real support there along the way. It's not helped, nor has it made it worse, but having no support system, being lonely in the first place, plus all the other issues, has left me very alone in this and angry, upset, *enter word*....

I'm obviously that lost in my own head, I can't even really see that my posts are black and white. I can see that some things I say are, but it looks to me like (at least I think) I am actually thinking in the grey area and even the words are grey. I can't even see it myself.
I'm kind of at a loss right now but am continuing on. I got up and went out today. Even though I was feeling like I was actually going to smash up the doctors surgery because they were so unhelpful and I was invisible or something, I went to a couple of hours of lectures and now at my sister's babysitting for an hour and will spend the rest of the evening with my sister when she gets back. I'm trying to enjoy her and my niece's company but in the last couple of weeks, I can't even seem to genuinely do that. As much as I try, I just feel like I am sinking inside and feel awful. But on the outside, I am joking and laughing and hyper. I guess that's me trying to fight the bad feelings and feel better. My sister said "so the medication is working then!?" --- well...

Grr... I'm just going to growl. That's all.

 

[Daniel E.]

It's not only my thoughts that make me more pressured and make me feel worse, you are right, but it's that of those around me.

As has been mentioned before, one way to increase perspective is to read or see memoirs of others with mental disorders, e.g.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/attitude...op-ten-films-that-feature-mental-illness.html

 

[boi]

Hi AmZ,
I know you are having a rough time. I was thinking maybe when your anxiety is really high and you cannot focus maybe try and make something. Use your creativity and make anything. It might keep your mind off of things and you might get lost in it. I know this is hard when you are anxious but sometimes if you channel that kind of energy and anxiety into some type of project then the results are great. I find I make better sketches when I'm very anxious because they are made in a very tense mind space. Also, you might be surprised with what can come out when you really don't feel like doing anything and you do it anyway. If you need some ideas let me know.
Just a thought.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/attitude...ears-of-a-clown-comedians-and-depression.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/mental-h...d-one-lawyer-s-struggles-with-depression.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psychlin...anxiety-and-making-the-most-of-bad-genes.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/coping-strategies/19660-12-ways-to-keep-going.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/coping-strategies/24829-i-will-get-better.html

 

[AmZ]

Thank you everyone.

It's been a real tough few days and I'm still not coping well, as much as I'm trying and doing the behavioral action and being busy. I just feel this continuous anxiety and sadness rumbling inside of me and am jumpy, fidgety and restless all the time.

Things are on my mind, more things than usual, and I don't know how to cope with the worries and stresses.

- The biopsy I had is still looming over me and going on. I know, what are the chances of God forbid, it being something very bad, I'm 25 and healthy, a non-smoker etc.

- I ended up breaking the 5 month silence between me and my mum 3 days ago (I had decided to leave it up to her to contact me, but now, once again, I've been the one to contact her). I felt like it was the right and moral thing to do. I emailed a very short and to the point email with no questions, just saying that I heard from my sister that she had a heart attack and I wish her a speedy recovery and that they find out what the problem is and fix it. She's now replied to the email 2 days later and acting (once again) like everything is totally normal in our relationship and is asking when is best for her to call me at home so that we can catch up and speak. I can't tell you how many times she's said she'd do this, and 90% of the time, the promise is broken and she doesn't call. I'm ready for the next knock back. And even if she does call, I really don't know how I will be with her on the phone. Whatever happens, it's a stressful and upsetting situation and is very confusing as to what I want/should/could do. i.e. she's a lost cause but I always give that 'one last chance'. I still haven't replied to her email.

- I've had a bad and constant headache for a week and a half now. Painkillers takes it off a little, but it's always there. It feels deep inside of my head and on both sides but more on the left side. Like there is a lot of pressure in my head and a balloon is going to pop or something. It's been especially bad after fainting last Thursday. I've had worse anxiety before and stuff, and never had a prolonged headache like this but I know that if I go to the doctors about it, they're not going to do anything about it because my blood test results came back OK (well, 2 things were off but they say that they call patients if they see the results are a problem, and they haven't contacted me). Anyway, I'm not getting all freaked out about this, it's just not pleasant and I want it to go off already.

I have been sleeping a lot better the last few days, still waking up once or twice during the night but going back to sleep straight away and sleeping 7 hours total which is a big improvement. But I feel so exhausted in the morning after being up for about 30 minutes-1 hour, I can hardly keep my eyes open. I wasn't like this before. I physically feel like I could sleep for longer than 7 hours, when I wake up in the morning, sometimes I hit the snooze button for 30 minutes and really struggle to get up. This all started after fainting last Thursday - I was so exhausted from it and I slept 13 hours on Friday night. But since then, I just feel exhausted all the time and have been sleeping better. But like I say, it's just not 'enough' or whatever - I know I'm not oversleeping asides from doing that on Friday night. During all of these months of sleeping bad, I've felt less tired than I am now sleeping "better".

Anyway, more things on my mind, but that's enough for now - Thank you everyone for your replies and help.

My therapist had said a few weeks ago to stop doing the mood/thought log that I was doing on a daily basis because it was probably making me feel worse. But now I feel the opposite, like it's all jumbled around in my head and especially in not having therapy this week as she is away, I guess it's no surprise, in a way, that I am feeling the way I am.

I feel physically sick (nauseous) because of all the bad feelings and anxiety I have today and can't eat. I'm at work and (obviously) not in a good mood, but normally sit here OK and appear OK to others and just get on with it. Some people who work 'below' me had made some mistakes so I sent an email to some managers (who work below me also) who then go and speak to the people to point out their mistakes. I just saw one of these people go in to a room to speak with a couple of girls that I work with and I think they were speaking about me. I never get paranoid, but today, it's driving me crazy and I think that everyone dislikes me.

I wonder if there is anything else I can be doing to help me through days like these or raise myself out of it a bit?