Getting help

[Ashley-Kate]

Hey,
Well today i finally decided to stop what i was doing and go get help. I the last week i sort of let go of the fight and let my eating disorder take over i guess with school and the death of my grand father i thought for some reason that was a pretty good excuse to just give up. but today as my psychologist from were i used to live called me to har from me she motivated me to go and get help cause she was worried and doesn't believe that me being alone is a very good idea. So she called the college to get a hold of the psychologist there after i had promissed to go and make an appointment, she called to advise the school psychologist that i would be going to see her in the comming hours, i guess in a way to make sure that i did go. Finally this afternoon i went and got an appointment. I see her on wednesday. Its hard though, really cause ever since i have had an eating disorder one of the things i have always wanted was to be alone to have my own choices and not have anyone around me to stop me and here i am free at last i chose when and if i go do my groceries i chose what i eat how much exercise i do and everythign else so it is hard, so i have decided that since right now all that is workign in my head is my anorexia then having a psychologist to even out the fight could help me make a more reasonable decision health wise. and i guess i miss having a nutritionnist i don't think i am going to go back and get one but having someone moniter my weight my health in general really forced me to see that i was damaging it now that i don't have n-e one it is like i don,t realise that i am hurting me.. i am so confused

 

[Mari]

having a psychologist to even out the fight could help me make a more reasonable decision health wise.

That is very good advice. rder: (that is an order to myself). Now if I could just convince myself to follow good advice. :heart: Mari

 

[Halo]

AK,

I am glad that you are going to see the Psychologist on Wednesday. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Take care

 

[Persephone]

Ashley-Kate it seems to me that a big battle is taking place inside of you. Part of yourself wants to be left alone to your own advice and another part of you realises that alone is dangerous for you at the time being and you are seeking for help.
I am glad that you are acting on behalf of the second part and simoultaneously you are listening to the first part, too. It must be really confousing for you though, isn't it?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Really! having spent over half of my life in this eating disorder it seems so much more comfortable then not having it. not eating and purging has become normal and on the other hand eating and keeping food in me has become thing of my past and not normal.. i know i have to but it just doesn't seem right anymore to eat like everyone

 

[Persephone]

Anorexia has become a way of living for you, hasn't it? Even though to the rest of us it seems a way of dying...
Your mind says that you have to eat, but your heart says the opposite. I have the feeling that in your world, not eating is a lot more normal than eating, isn't it?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah, conciously i understand all the importance of eating and staying at a healthy weight but inside me is the opposite, it's like i would tell any average person that eating is dangerous. I have been hospitalised enough times to know that what i am doing is bad, but i trully can't stop myself i can counsil friends in the right path but when it comes to me eating is too far away now

 

[Persephone]

I think that the only key to understand why you are seeing food as dangerous is yourself. Apart from this, I really admire your determination. I think that it really needs lots of strength from your part to continue feeding yourself feeling the way you do about food.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well today i went to my appointment and well after my appointment with the psychologist that went relativly well she wanted me to meet the school nurse just to be on the safe side so i agreed. I went to see her with the psychologist who breifed her on my situation and then left, the nurse spoke to me for a bit and seems very nice actually and after we were done talking she decided to take my vital signs , the result tomorrow after my first class she is taking me for blood tests at a clinic close by that she works with, and is going to try to put me with a team of people. I would normally have been freeked out a bit by the fact that this was all unexpected but i gues sin some way i am just so sick of being sick all the time that i just said yes, plus it's not like they are doing it to hurt me it is basicly to save me from myself. anyway i am really nervous for this appointment but i hope things go well for the blood tests and everything.:S

 

[Halo]

AK,

I am really happy that you are getting the support and help that you want and need. I know that it is scary but you are really doing the right thing and I am proud of you :2thumbs:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Wishing you the best, Ashley.

 

[Persephone]

I am very glad for you Ashley-Kate. You are not freaked-out as you "normally" would be, you are just nervous about the appointment and all. I think that you are in the hands of people whom you trust and that is very hopeful and relieving.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well i had all my appointments of the week and i have never felt more mad at anyone in my life! literaly i told them the truth that i was having a bit of a hard time they tok all the information they needed such as weight and vital signs and then with that they judged that i was probably not being entirely honest about everything so they sent me to the emergency room at some hospital i have never seen before to get tests done, i had to stay over night for them to get some of the stuff back to regular, but i am sick of being forced with everything, they don'T understand that right now i want help and therefore i won't lie to them or anything, but it is as if seeings how i do have an eating disorder i am automaticly a liar, i want help yes but if they are going to send me to the hospital everytime that some thing happens to me is not very fun especially that my confidence towards them goes down very fast considering i hate hospitals and fear them more than anything.

 

[Persephone]

If I understand correctly they send you to the hospital(your great fear) because they assumed that you lied to them. And you are really mad at them now because you had been honest with them and they didn't believe you.The y treat you like they don't trust you, do they?
Have you discussed this matter with your therapist that made the contact with them?

 

[Into The Light]

ashley kate - can you talk to them and express to them how you are feeling about all of this? they probably are making assumptions based on their experiences with people with eating disorders. if you don't tell them anything then nothing can change for the better. i would really encourage you to work at this and try to get them to understand you are genuinely wanting help and no longer wanting to cover things up. this may take some time but i think is something that will help.

the other thought i have is can you get your previous therapist or nutritionist (whoever was trying to help you) contact the new people and explain a bit more about you, to help reinforce you are serious about getting help?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks, yeah i spoke to them about how i felt that they didn't trust me and they just said that the proof they had weight and symptoms were showing that what i was saying had holes in it as if i was not telling them everything. they actually sent referal papers to a hospital i was ocne hospitalised in for out patient care witch made me feel a bit more in confidence the fact that at least the people i will be seeing know me for who i am and work with other people like me, and the people that sent me to the hospital are more used to working with minors that have basicly no controle over themselves to chose to get help or not they are more often forced in treatment and i guess they are just not used to someone commign to them for help and being honnest as well cause as i remember when i was a minor i would lie to get out of being put in the hospital as for now i know they can't so it is pointless to lie if i want help.
thanks again,
i don't speek to the people i was with before anymore but i will try to get them to send my file down here so that it helps the people here understand better my life

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad you were able to get the message across and that you'll be listened to. i admire your courage to reach out for help :goodjob: