Happens more than once

[Lonewolf]

You'd think if you have been through it once that you would know what to look out for so that it didn't happen again!! You would protect yourself? You would avoid certain situations? You wouldn't leave yourself vulnerable to it happening again? Once is devastating, twice is absolutely stupid, don't you think? You should learn from the first, so if it happens again, is it your fault? What did you do? Or not do? Is it that maybe that is why you are on the planet in the first place? To be abused?? Stripped of any self worth, identity and security? How do you forgive yourself, let alone the ones that do it?? Especially if it happens to you more than once? How do you ever trust anyone ever again? I don't think you can!! mg:

 

[Mari]

Re: happens more than once!!

Even with our best effort we can not always protect ourselves from harm. That is when we need to get out of the situation, away from the person(s) who might cause harm, and ask for some outside help. It is definitely not your fault if someone has hurt you. I have never been very good at setting boundaries but I am slowly learning and very slowly learning to have trust. It would be nice if it was easier but good things can happen.

 

[Ftbwgil]

Re: happens more than once!!

Hi Lonewolf Im sorry for the hurt you are going through..... I agree with mari.... it is not your fault that someone hurt you... even those who feel like they deserve it... it is not their fault. There are always people out there with the wrong intentions and there are also very good people. Intuition can be a very strong indicator.... hopefully your intuition will help you. My wife told me once " if you live life assuming everyone will be out to abuse you then that is what you will attract" I replied that I had to protect myself and she agreed. She recommended that I live life assuming that everyone is super kind and loving........ and then to proceed with caution. This thinking helped me a lot. We are all energy and we usually attract what we believe therefore I changed my beliefs and since then have met 3 great friends. I am not saying that you believe you deserve this, but is it possible that your thoughts are centered around the fact that the people you meet might have the wrong intentions\?

I also am learning to bolt when my intuition gives me the least bit of a hint that someone has the wrong intention. We have gone through too much and the tolerance level for evil people is -1000. Trust first with caution. It is not your fault... you are a good person that deserves to be loved and respected and never compromise that fact

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

mg::rofl::facepalm:mg:!!!!!!!!!!???????

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

I had left a comment yesterday, but it seems to have disappeared! So, even though it is very painful, I will do my best to go through it a little bit now!!

I have never been comfortable being female to be honest, especially after the abuse that happened and the consequences I suffered because I told someone about it!! I don't think I will ever get over it completely! And now, after this, it is petrifying to tell anybody anything!! Lots of memories have been stirred!
I wish it didn't pain me so much to trust anyone!! I feel trapped!! I love my home, it's the only one I have ever felt safe and settled in!! Now, im confused because I don't feel safe!! But its not my home, it's me, my mind, my memories of all of this follows me where ever I am!! I know that!!
He invaded my home, my space, me!! He hurt me! He hurt this body and my mind!! He took the little confidence i had of being able to be a female! I feel digusting now! I understand i can't change sex, but I feel so vulnerable as a female, now more than ever!! I do get mistaken as a male and when that happens, it makes me more secure somehow!! If I could whip my spirit out of this prison body into something I felt content in, maybe a man or a vicious animal! I would be a little more secure in existing!!
For now, I can't bring myself to even say the 'R' word, but thats what it was! He forced himself on me and I can still feel that when I'm trying to sleep and sometimes when I'm awake!! It haunts me everytime I go out and when im at home! There's no escaping it!! I wish I could sleep without fear!
I don't know if I'll ever feel ok in this body, but more than anything in the world, I need a hug from a friend to let me know im safe, I don't think I can let anyone get that close to me ever again!! I'm so confused about all these feelings and thoughts!! I don't know what im going to do from now on??

 

[Retired]

Re: happens more than once!!

I had left a comment yesterday, but it seems to have disappeared!

I don't see any post of yours that was moved or altered. I suspect you did not hit the "post" button, and moved your browser window to another page. Have done that myself, inadvertently.

If you notice it right away, you can restore lost content by returning to the edit window, as the Forum software saves your entry as you type.

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

It's ok, thanks lol!! It is in a different thread I started somewhere else on the forum!!! Thanks again!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: happens more than once!!

Hugs to you!

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

Spent the whole day sobbing my little heart out, squeezing my teddy with all my strength! I wish It would all just stop!! I met a new worker yesterday and I couldn't talk to her, I just clammed up!! I spent the whole time in silence, I managed to apologise for wasting her time and that was that!!
I guess i don't want to be alone, but i just don't have any words either!! That's pretty stupid on a talk forum, isn't it? Really sorry for wasting more time you guys need for others that want to talk!!

 

[DivineMyst]

Re: happens more than once!!

Sometimes the words just don't come or it's too difficult. It doesn't mean you don't stop trying or that you're wasting people's time.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: happens more than once!!

You're not wasting our time. I hope you can find the words you need to get the help you need. You deserve help and to feel better.

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! why me?? Why can't I just have an hour where it's not so intense?? The brain just won't stop going over and over it?? I really need it all to stop!! Please???? Anybody help me??? The meds aren't as numbing as they have been and I really wish they were, I'm not ready for this!! Somebody take it away!!! Please??

 

[Ftbwgil]

Re: happens more than once!!

Hi Lonewolf Im sorry your having difficulty. I hope you are able to find some quiet time. I have found that breathing and thinking of the breathing and nothing else can have a calming effect. When you think of your breathing you are thinking of nothing else. You are not wasting anybodys time ever. This place is a place for all of us to unload our hurt. And we can all relate. Sometimes we have moments that are difficult and sometimes it get easier. try to remeember and trust those good times happenned once they can happen again

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

It seems different now!! I don't feel in control!! Having lots of panics today!!!

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: happens more than once!!

That is when you concentrate on slow breathing ok or calling someone and just talking it help ok to hear a real voice hugs

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

I really need a hug, but just can't let anyone anywhere near me!! Im so worried that they would be able to feel my pain! I have a body tremor at the moment and am very embarrassed about it too!!

Its so agonising to desperately need a such a simple thing and it is just impossible to actually achieve! I don't think I could cope with feeling so vulnerable right now!!
I need someone to hold me while I fall apart, to be the strength in my moment of weakness, so I am safe to just let all my hurt out!
I can't do this by myself!!
Unfortunately, this is such a contradiction!! And frustrating!! I don't know how to go about dealing with my predicament, there is so much built up emotions inside, but I don't feel able to let it go!!
Sorry , this is probably sounding daft and rambled!!

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: happens more than once!!

Not sounding daft h un many of us want that hug want to feel safe but are unable to accept any affection or care i understand that
Just sending you some hugs over computer ok i know it is not same just know i understand hugs:grouphug3:

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: happens more than once!!

I've hit a wall (not literally) and I'm not sure that I can get through it on my own? Why is life always such a battle? Just get over one huge hurdle and a bigger, more nastier one is looming, closer and closer!! While I'm not very strong, it might just knock me back again!! And again!! I am never going win this fight!! I just stay around hurting even more, every day!! Annoying everyone else with my wingeing!!

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: happens more than once!!

hun i have hit so many walls and have tired so hard to find a different path around them in time one shows it self it does just keep trying ok It may take some time but you will get past that wall one way or another and you will be stronger for it hugs

 

[W00BY]

Re: Happens more than once!

It takes a long time and a lot of hard work...I am now with the only man I have ever felt safe with and even he will still trip sensations within me that are so strong the rock me to the core of my very being sometimes...the only way I can describe it is like an internal violence that still resides within me...he has had to learn not to shout, which is a shame as this is his coping mechanism for stuff, also not to throw things...that is a biggy for me it just instantly unnerves me.

My point is that even though I have saftey and relative contentment I still have days of flinching or reaction and being deeply unnerved..

Now down to you thinking you attract a certain type of person...I felt the same and it was probably true of me until my kids started to be affected and that gave me the strength to change my situation...however after therapy and a healthy bit of hindsight I can see both my part and those of others.

All you have ever now is all you will be comfortable with...that is not your fault that is conditioning...also there is conditioning that happens as a result of abuse to break you down...make you feel like you are worthless...over eager to please...put yourself before others...low self esteem etc and these are signals to those that are abusive...and again it is not an apportion-able blame, fault etc...it arises due to the situations you have previously experienced...so again strictly speaking not your fault.

Now the most important point...while you feel you are at a low point at the moment...you have weathered it all and can still talk even if it is just on here...that is the very very important starting point for turning this around...you need to start to move this from here right now to where you need you to be, a therapist is essential...maybe some support via medication too only your practitioners can sort that side out...but with the help of your therapist you can chart a course and achieve, in small steps, a different life for yourself, many here have been where you are and it is not easy and is a life long process but with the help of your therapist and support here and elsewhere you can identify triggers, skewed thoughts, impulses, moods, desires....

You deserve to be with someone that appreciates you, you deserve appropriate help and you deserve to be the you that many of us here feel you can be.

Finally you are not alone as all the previous replies/posts should display...keep talking!