More threads by Cat Dancer

My therapist keeps reminding me that my self-injury is my CHOICE. I know he's right. I choose to do it. I choose to let my thoughts go in the wrong direction. I choose to go along with the feelings of being worthless and hopeless and that I need to be punished for being so bad. I know you can't live your life based on how you feel. I'm realizing that in therapy. I'm realizing that I can change my thoughts about myself, but it's so hard.

We talked about how it's easier for me to just stay very sick. It's what I know and it's terrifying thinking of being different and maybe facing the world without my normal defenses.

I'm just having SUCH a hard time accepting all of this. I want it to be out of my control so that I'm not responsible for it which kind of doesn't make any sense. It's like in my mind I'm throwing a major fit. I'm being like a little kid and not wanting to take or accept responsibility for my own actions. Plus it's hard for me to forgive myself for continuously making bad choices.

Strangely enough, on the other hand there's almost a sense of relief that it IS something in my control. So many things in my life have been totally out of my control that it's nice to know I have control over something.

I don't really have an exact question I guess, but I would like to know if it's common to resist this type of thing in therapy?
 
CT it's hard to change You were one way for so long. What happen in the past was the past. Your therapist doesn't want you to beat yourself up about what happen in the past.
Also realize you are not worthless you are a somebody.
God made no junk as the term goes. There is no way that you are a bad person. You are a special person helping people on this forum.
We are all special people we just have to believe it. ( I am working on that myself)
Know you were never a bad person and as much as we would like to go back into the past and change things we can't ( darn I wish I could).
But you have a long life ahead of you; look for the fact that you know the mistakes you made in the past that you won't make them again in the future.
Say to yourself I am not a bad person I am a good person.
I friend told me to do that while looking in the mirror.

Sue
 

NicNak

Resident Canuck
Administrator
:support: Cat Dancer. I am a SI as well on occasion. I just wanted to lend my support to you. I unfortunetly do not know how to help interms of your therapist and how you feel.

I think maybe people have different SI issues, interms of how the urges are brought out. My Psychiatrist calls mine "episodes" and says it is impulsive urges.

But I just wanted to say I thinking about you :hug: and understand the SI issue at the least.
 
Thanks, sue. That means a lot to me. I really appreciate what you said. And you're very right about the past. We can't change it and it doesn't help to beat myself up about it. :)

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Thanks, NicNak. Thanks for your support. I am sorry that you go through the SI too. I think I have always kind of viewed it as impulsive for me too. Maybe that's a big part of what I'm struggling with, trying to figure out if it really is my choice or if it isn't. It's very confusing. I don't want to hear that it's my choice. If that makes any sense.
 

NicNak

Resident Canuck
Administrator
I can understand, if someone said it was my choice I would be a bit upset.

When I SI I am almost in a trance and I can't focus on anything else except for that.

I have never really considered the idea that it is my choice.... I will have to think about that one a bit.

Sometimes it isn't easy to think back to a SI and figure out why it happened.
 
I think we all have to find a different coping mechanism to help us during our rough times.
I think once we deal with the issues that causes us to do SI then then we will be less incline to do SI.
I think if he/she were my therapist. I would say help me deal with the issues from my past then things might get better. Also help me find something else to do beside hurting myself when I am having a rough time. (That is my opinion)

Take Care

Sue
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I believe what the therapist is trying to say is that SI serves a purpose in your life currently and in the past. It's a choice in that it's what helps you to feel in control of your life, your body, your feelings. It protects you from... something. It's a defense, a shield, a mask...

If you can see it in that light, that it's a defense you have developed over the years to protect you from feelings and to allow you to feel in control, then you can also learn to let go of that defense, choose a new way of dealing with it all, learn new and better, more effective ways of coping.
 
It's what I know and it's terrifying thinking of being different and maybe facing the world without my normal defenses.
i think that is a very important insight. change is scary and i've been going through changes in how i deal with certain things. it's been scary but it has also been liberating. know that you can make changes one small step at a time and what you are "comfortable" with. small steps and you will get there.
 
I think I'm just still really struggling with the whole concept of self injury as a choice. I think the alternative concept is even scarier though, that it is out of my control and I don't have a choice. I just need to accept this is something I CAN change.

Also we do work on other coping strategies. I'm thinking my therapist brought this up because I was ready to hear it and I wasn't before. I've been in therapy for 2 1/2 years and it was time to start dealing with this choice.

It's still really hard though. :( I don't feel ready to give it up.
 

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
I think I'm just still really struggling with the whole concept of self injury as a choice.
There is a tough-love element to DBT. A related issue or different way of looking at it is dealing with low frustration tolerance, which is why DBT focuses on radical acceptance in addition to other coping skills:

Most people only make their lives worse in...crises.

...What goes on in a crisis, you want it resolved right now. Generally there's a sense of urgency like 'Ah, I've got to get it solved!' or 'I've got to get out, I've got to get out, I've got to get away!'

Crisis Survival Skills, Part One: Distracting and Self Soothing

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/part_12.html
So, not surprisingly:
The secret to a really good Pros & Cons is the first time, do it when you don't have the urge. Do it when you're calm, secure, not in a crisis.
[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT] Crisis Survival Skills: Pros & Cons
More info:
Marsha M. Linehan DBT video transcript
Marsha M. Linehan video clips


 
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I just can't seem to get a handle on this right now. I'm giving in to it every day, several times a day. :( I don't even want to talk about it in therapy anymore. I just want it to be something that is mine. I know it has a lot to do with feeling in control of things and being so out of control of many things in my life. But I don't understand why I'm letting it get worse right now.
 
A good friend of mine used to cut himself a lot and when I finally asked him why he did it he told me, after a long and thoughtful pause, that he did it because he liked to think that if he hurt himself this bad then he wouldn't be afraid of what other people could do to him.

He did stop eventually and when ever he talks about it, which he often does, he always says it came from feeling so out of control and we usually end up talking about the things we can't control and how difficult that can be to accept even at the best of times. And that despite the harm inflicted on us by others and their own justifications for it does not mean that we deserve to be treated that way.(That is something I am still learning to accept.)

From your posts I think that you are a warm and compassionate person who is willing to give her time to help others and that alone is something to be proud of and proof of the goodness in your heart.
 
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