Hi,
I even do not know why i am writing here. i feel so lonely and too sad. it seems to me that nothing can help me feel ok again.
i have suffered from depression and anxiety for more than 17 years and i have had several psychiatrists and taken different meds in these years. for years docs said i am BPD. but then others said it was wrong and i just have severe anxiety and depression caused by emotional sexual verbal abuses in childhood. also 5 years ago i was stabbed 8 times when i was asleep in my bed but survived anyway and now i have PTSD from that too. i see my psychoanalyst every week and take some meds-less than before.
my doc and i think that i am much better than before yet i cant work and even cant read or have relationships. i am sick and tired of this life.
this week something happened that made my depression much worse. then i realized that it was because of this deep feeling in me : no matter how much you try, you will not be lovely or valuable or worthy. this is what i have discovered during therapy but these days i am much more aware of that and it is really hard to bear... it is killing me to see how much i feel unwanted even after all these years trying to become better. i feel awfully lonely and i even thought about suicide last night.
my mum has always tried so hard to convince me that i am not worthy or adequate enough. she always do it unconsciously. after years of therapy, i know now that she suffers a lot herself and does not know other way to treat me well. so i am less angry at her. but i am too sad when remembering all those moments she and my sisters belittled me( she still does that!) and now i can not accept or see my own worthiness or good things inside. it seems like a dead end. i dont know what to do. just wanna vanish and feel nothing.
i just read an article on this site about attachment disorder and i realized i am too insecure too because i feel strongly that i am unable to control and manage my life.sigh.......
i am not able to soothe myself. i need a hug and warm words but i know that i must soothe myself and i must be able to be my own kind friend and relieve my own pains though i do not know how. i feel so insecure, lonely, scared, unloved, unwanted, ugly.i am ashamed of telling others how i feel. i am 41, yet can not manage my feelings and life.
sorry it is too long and sorry for my poor English. i am not an English native speaker.
i would appreciate any help for low self-esteem and insecurity problems.
Anahita
I even do not know why i am writing here. i feel so lonely and too sad. it seems to me that nothing can help me feel ok again.
i have suffered from depression and anxiety for more than 17 years and i have had several psychiatrists and taken different meds in these years. for years docs said i am BPD. but then others said it was wrong and i just have severe anxiety and depression caused by emotional sexual verbal abuses in childhood. also 5 years ago i was stabbed 8 times when i was asleep in my bed but survived anyway and now i have PTSD from that too. i see my psychoanalyst every week and take some meds-less than before.
my doc and i think that i am much better than before yet i cant work and even cant read or have relationships. i am sick and tired of this life.
this week something happened that made my depression much worse. then i realized that it was because of this deep feeling in me : no matter how much you try, you will not be lovely or valuable or worthy. this is what i have discovered during therapy but these days i am much more aware of that and it is really hard to bear... it is killing me to see how much i feel unwanted even after all these years trying to become better. i feel awfully lonely and i even thought about suicide last night.
my mum has always tried so hard to convince me that i am not worthy or adequate enough. she always do it unconsciously. after years of therapy, i know now that she suffers a lot herself and does not know other way to treat me well. so i am less angry at her. but i am too sad when remembering all those moments she and my sisters belittled me( she still does that!) and now i can not accept or see my own worthiness or good things inside. it seems like a dead end. i dont know what to do. just wanna vanish and feel nothing.
i just read an article on this site about attachment disorder and i realized i am too insecure too because i feel strongly that i am unable to control and manage my life.sigh.......
i am not able to soothe myself. i need a hug and warm words but i know that i must soothe myself and i must be able to be my own kind friend and relieve my own pains though i do not know how. i feel so insecure, lonely, scared, unloved, unwanted, ugly.i am ashamed of telling others how i feel. i am 41, yet can not manage my feelings and life.
sorry it is too long and sorry for my poor English. i am not an English native speaker.
i would appreciate any help for low self-esteem and insecurity problems.
Anahita
