More threads by Ashley-Kate

hello ,
well i have been gone for wuite some time yet again i was hospitalised for stupidity that i can't seem to controle and yet i am the first to say i am in control. i don't know what is going on in my head i tell myself one week i can do this i am not going to purge or i am going to eat and then i just pretend i forgot or i am sick and can't or time flew by and i had no time. my life revolves around this diorder when will i be released from its grasp i trully don't know i have good days i have some bad but i am losing the baddle little by little i am released from the hospital now because i think they realised after 6 months there is very little they can do for me i reached wheere they wanted me to reach they will weigh me every 2 weeks and i can't lose anything it frightens me cause i really want to make it but at the same time scared to death to stay at this weight i don't know what is wrong with me anymore it is not even to be thin but to just lose lose everything not weight anymroe but just lose me lose my identity my impurity how by no longuer existing but i am not suicidal i am just confused i hate this 7 years now as anorexic -bulimic and yet i can't let go i hate it but i don't know what i am with out it i fel lost without my rootines my obvsessivness around food calculating exercises how to stop when this is my drug. the only difference is i need to eat to live i want to live but i can't eat. so scared i can tell the hole world how to get better all the tips they ned to overcome this e-d but i can't do them anymore i can't just stop i feel like she is in me to stay yet i feel like killing her everyday but killing her will most likly kill me:(
yours trully ashley


Re: help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ashley-Kate - life can be so strange sometimes. I spent two hours driving around missing my son then I came home and cried for two hours. Now I am feeling reasonably calm and then I checked my email and read your post. I do not have any advice or suggestions but I do want you to know that I am thinking about you and sending you hugs for help. :hug: Mari :heart:


Re: help!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now that you have been released from the hospital is there any out-patient follow up or are you seeing a therapist on a regular basis? I can understand somewhat when you describe losing your identity when something that has been a big part of your life for so long is no longer. I just wonder if that is maybe something that you can talk to a therapist about and with their help work through.

Take care :heart:


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Re: help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Ashley,

During my recovery process I have truely learned it is one day at a time, tomorrow will take care of itself. It is scarey and overwhelming for anyone if we see only the big picture as in "I need to do this for the rest of my life". In reality it is just for today and at this very moment. :)

I have anorexic tendencies so now I am a grazer - I hardly ever eat a conventional meal as it can be overwhelming, but I do eat. An apple here, some almonds there, maybe an egg for some protein in the morning.

You can do this. Its small steps, and your doing great! :)

Take care

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