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zanphere

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Joined
Jul 6, 2005
Messages
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i'm 24 yrs old, but i feel like i'm 40 or 50 yrs old.

here's a little look into my life.

4 years ago my mom died, we were really close, she was like my big sister, and i felt like my life was over for about two years, but my girlfriend (i'll call her mary) and i were dating about a year before my mom past, and she got me through it, so right there she was granted my appriciation for life.

i also have a problem trusting people, since i've been burned by everyone from friends, enemies and even my father who slept with my old girlfriend(not mary) and i hated him way before he did that so he just made it worse.

i was falling more and more in love with mary as time past, and she told me about here X'boyfriend, and that we were alike in more ways than one, so obviously i wanted to meet him since she made him sound like a nice guy, i did'nt want to be his best friend or anything but she use to call him occasonally, and i never meet or talked to him.

she said no i cannot meet him, she would rather not talk to him anymore, then i startred feeling like something was going on, but we were never apart, so she was'nt sleeping with him, but i felt like she was cheating on me with him in spirit, he knew everything about me, and all i knew
about him was his name and his old high school.

i was begining to think that i was a fool for even thinking about loving her, so i just clamed up as usual and everything just came crashing back, my mom my dad, my x's and all the rage i had in high school( i went to 5 different high schools) mainly because my dad was verbally and mentally abusive to all of us, like we did'nt matter, he tried to hit my mom when i was 12 yrs old and at that time i told myself and i told him if he ever him my mom i would kill him, i guess that scared him off for a while but he got more abusive, and he stoped all payments on all my school and other classes i was in, this might be illegal in the usa but i grew up in trinidad.

i am really good with my hands, and i guess i was a smart kid, i started attending high school when i had just turned 10yrs old, i was really good at drawing and sketcing, and i was just learning to air brush, i felt like my life was being taken away from my and there was nothing i could do about it.

so i locked everyone out as i did when i was a kid, i started drinking staying out late and comming home at 4am sometimes 6am, i really did'nt care about anything, then one morning on the way home i was thinking of
my mom and i remembered one of her speaches she always gave to me, forgive everyone because you don't have the power to judge anyone, so i did and things went back to normal.

eventually we got married and things were looking good untill one day i asked her why was it that my meeting or talking to her x was such a bad thing, and i said i can't believe that i was acting so crazy over nothing, it's not like you slept with him while you were with me, and the look on her face said it all, and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.

and now i can't sleep, i'm never hungry, i'm always mad, and to make matters worse, she always says that it was my fault, i've been crossed by someone i'm soposed to love.

it's like i love her and hate her at the same time, on top of everything else my dad came to see me recently and said that if my mom had'nt died on her own he would have killed her because she stole some of his money,and i don't think i can handle any more, is there anyone who can help me get my life back.

i don't want to do something that i might regret later, i have crazy ideas and schemes in my head and i'm not a fragile 10year old little kid anymore, i have to stay level headed to take care of my little sister 17yrs old.
 

zanphere

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2005
Messages
18
Points
1
i'm 24 yrs old, but i feel like i'm 40 or 50 yrs old.

here's a little look into my life.

4 years ago my mom died, we were really close, she was like my big sister, and i felt like my life was over for about two years, but my girlfriend (i'll call her mary) and i were dating about a year before my mom past, and she got me through it, so right there she was granted my appriciation for life.

i also have a problem trusting people, since i've been burned by everyone from friends, enemies and even my father who slept with my old girlfriend(not mary) and i hated him way before he did that so he just made it worse.

i was falling more and more in love with mary as time past, and she told me about here X'boyfriend, and that we were alike in more ways than one, so obviously i wanted to meet him since she made him sound like a nice guy, i did'nt want to be his best friend or anything but she use to call him occasonally, and i never meet or talked to him.

she said no i cannot meet him, she would rather not talk to him anymore, then i startred feeling like something was going on, but we were never apart, so she was'nt sleeping with him, but i felt like she was cheating on me with him in spirit, he knew everything about me, and all i knew
about him was his name and his old high school.

i was begining to think that i was a fool for even thinking about loving her, so i just clamed up as usual and everything just came crashing back, my mom my dad, my x's and all the rage i had in high school( i went to 5 different high schools) mainly because my dad was verbally and mentally abusive to all of us, like we did'nt matter, he tried to hit my mom when i was 12 yrs old and at that time i told myself and i told him if he ever him my mom i would kill him, i guess that scared him off for a while but he got more abusive, and he stoped all payments on all my school and other classes i was in, this might be illegal in the usa but i grew up in trinidad.

i am really good with my hands, and i guess i was a smart kid, i started attending high school when i had just turned 10yrs old, i was really good at drawing and sketcing, and i was just learning to air brush, i felt like my life was being taken away from my and there was nothing i could do about it.

so i locked everyone out as i did when i was a kid, i started drinking staying out late and comming home at 4am sometimes 6am, i really did'nt care about anything, then one morning on the way home i was thinking of
my mom and i remembered one of her speaches she always gave to me, forgive everyone because you don't have the power to judge anyone, so i did and things went back to normal.

eventually we got married and things were looking good untill one day i asked her why was it that my meeting or talking to her x was such a bad thing, and i said i can't believe that i was acting so crazy over nothing, it's not like you slept with him while you were with me, and the look on her face said it all, and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.

and now i can't sleep, i'm never hungry, i'm always mad, and to make matters worse, she always says that it was my fault, i've been crossed by someone i'm soposed to love.

it's like i love her and hate her at the same time, on top of everything else my dad came to see me recently and said that if my mom had'nt died on her own he would have killed her because she stole some of his money,and i don't think i can handle any more, is there anyone who can help me get my life back.

i don't want to do something that i might regret later, i have crazy ideas and schemes in my head and i'm not a fragile 10year old little kid anymore, i have to stay level headed to take care of my little sister 17yrs old.
 

merlin

Member
Joined
Jun 9, 2005
Messages
13
Points
1
Good luck dude. I don't have any advice but i hope you pull through it.
 

merlin

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Joined
Jun 9, 2005
Messages
13
Points
1
Good luck dude. I don't have any advice but i hope you pull through it.
 

Daniel

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...and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.

I don't know if this occurred before or after the marriage. Regardless, the emotional distance she experienced is one of the most common reasons/excuses for temporarily straying outside of a monogamous relationship.

Since you are having symptoms of depression (problems sleeping, decreased appetite, etc.), you may want to seek out counseling for yourself and/or marriage counseling.
 

Daniel

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...and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.

I don't know if this occurred before or after the marriage. Regardless, the emotional distance she experienced is one of the most common reasons/excuses for temporarily straying outside of a monogamous relationship.

Since you are having symptoms of depression (problems sleeping, decreased appetite, etc.), you may want to seek out counseling for yourself and/or marriage counseling.
 

David Baxter

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Adding to what Daniel said, "getting over" an affair is not an easy thing for most people -- I think that's something else a therapist could help you with.
 

David Baxter

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Adding to what Daniel said, "getting over" an affair is not an easy thing for most people -- I think that's something else a therapist could help you with.
 

Daniel

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Related Article: When Your Partner Cheats: Healing From Infidelity

Also:

Whatever the reason for the affair, the effect infidelity has on a relationship is devastating.

"Nothing rocks a person's sense of self, trust, and marriage more than infidelity," says Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. "Infidelity leaves people questioning their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and about the viability of their marriage. Infidelity is crippling."

People find themselves crying a lot, not being able to concentrate, being upset, and feeling depressed.

"These are all of the initial emotions that go with the discovery of the betrayal," Weiner-Davis tells WebMD. "However, emotions change over time."

When the initial shock of an affair is over, then it is time for both people in the relationship to examine what role they played in letting the relationship slide down such a slippery slope...

excerpted from Overcoming Infidelity - WebMD
 

Daniel

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Related Article: When Your Partner Cheats: Healing From Infidelity

Also:

Whatever the reason for the affair, the effect infidelity has on a relationship is devastating.

"Nothing rocks a person's sense of self, trust, and marriage more than infidelity," says Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. "Infidelity leaves people questioning their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and about the viability of their marriage. Infidelity is crippling."

People find themselves crying a lot, not being able to concentrate, being upset, and feeling depressed.

"These are all of the initial emotions that go with the discovery of the betrayal," Weiner-Davis tells WebMD. "However, emotions change over time."

When the initial shock of an affair is over, then it is time for both people in the relationship to examine what role they played in letting the relationship slide down such a slippery slope...

excerpted from Overcoming Infidelity - WebMD
 

zanphere

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Joined
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Messages
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so.....

i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???

and i found out she cheated before we got married, i told myself that it was a rough time in our relationship, it's over and i love her, and i looked at all the things she's done and sacrificed for me, and i layed it to rest.

about a 6 months later we got married, then i cought her lieing to me, nothing big, a little white lie, but then i started to think if something this small causes her to lie what else has she lied about.

and thats when everything came crashing back.

the thing that makes it even worse is that she told me i made her do it, we did'nt have sex for about a month, and i was always out, i got hit on all the time, i was offered one night stands, offers to be someones sex buddy and offers just to be friends with benefits, i turned them all down, mainly because i loved her and reguardless of what was going on i did'nt want to cheat on her and make it worse

the first person i ever loved died in a plane crash right before i came to america.

i told myself that i was never gonna love again because there was no replacement for what we had, we never had a real argument, she was like my female twin.

then i met mary and as much as i tried not to i fall in love with her i did, and now i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life, i don't know if it's possible to love someone and hate them at the same time but i feel like thats what i'm going through.

i my mind the only reason it would have been a problem for me to meet or talk to her x, is because she still had feelings for him, i honestly think she loves him more than me.
 

zanphere

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2005
Messages
18
Points
1
so.....

i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???

and i found out she cheated before we got married, i told myself that it was a rough time in our relationship, it's over and i love her, and i looked at all the things she's done and sacrificed for me, and i layed it to rest.

about a 6 months later we got married, then i cought her lieing to me, nothing big, a little white lie, but then i started to think if something this small causes her to lie what else has she lied about.

and thats when everything came crashing back.

the thing that makes it even worse is that she told me i made her do it, we did'nt have sex for about a month, and i was always out, i got hit on all the time, i was offered one night stands, offers to be someones sex buddy and offers just to be friends with benefits, i turned them all down, mainly because i loved her and reguardless of what was going on i did'nt want to cheat on her and make it worse

the first person i ever loved died in a plane crash right before i came to america.

i told myself that i was never gonna love again because there was no replacement for what we had, we never had a real argument, she was like my female twin.

then i met mary and as much as i tried not to i fall in love with her i did, and now i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life, i don't know if it's possible to love someone and hate them at the same time but i feel like thats what i'm going through.

i my mind the only reason it would have been a problem for me to meet or talk to her x, is because she still had feelings for him, i honestly think she loves him more than me.
 

Daniel

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i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???

Yes, I would definitely do so if I were you. I would find a therapist that specializes in marriage counseling.

This is from the WebMD article "Overcoming Infidelity":

Both Weiner-Davis and Turndorf emphasize the importance of a good marriage counselor or therapist, the support of family and friends, and ultimately each other, in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.
 

Daniel

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i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???

Yes, I would definitely do so if I were you. I would find a therapist that specializes in marriage counseling.

This is from the WebMD article "Overcoming Infidelity":

Both Weiner-Davis and Turndorf emphasize the importance of a good marriage counselor or therapist, the support of family and friends, and ultimately each other, in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.
 

zanphere

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Joined
Jul 6, 2005
Messages
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Points
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i'm in f.t lauderdale florida, do you know of any good marrage counselers im my area.

and also what will i have to expect fron them, in terms of price, and how often do we have to go.

i wanna see someone really bad, i can't look at her without picturing them together, she say's we should just put it in the past, but i read the article you posted and it said that the cheater often wants to just forget about it.

and she refuses to answer any of my questions about the guy, i know it her X but thats all i know.
 

zanphere

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2005
Messages
18
Points
1
i'm in f.t lauderdale florida, do you know of any good marrage counselers im my area.

and also what will i have to expect fron them, in terms of price, and how often do we have to go.

i wanna see someone really bad, i can't look at her without picturing them together, she say's we should just put it in the past, but i read the article you posted and it said that the cheater often wants to just forget about it.

and she refuses to answer any of my questions about the guy, i know it her X but thats all i know.
 

Daniel

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Some info regarding cost that seems accurate:

So how much do marriage counselors charge? Rates vary from about $45 to $200 per session. The average is about $95. Since most marriage counselors see couples one session a week for the first three months, you can expect to pay about $1200 in that period of time if it's at about $95/hr. Most of my clients have paid under $1200 by the time they've completed therapy...

How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor - MarriageBuilders.com
 

Daniel

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Some info regarding cost that seems accurate:

So how much do marriage counselors charge? Rates vary from about $45 to $200 per session. The average is about $95. Since most marriage counselors see couples one session a week for the first three months, you can expect to pay about $1200 in that period of time if it's at about $95/hr. Most of my clients have paid under $1200 by the time they've completed therapy...

How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor - MarriageBuilders.com
 

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