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annalease

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I think that this all started back in december of 2003.. i started to make my self purge after eating! i did not binge, but after it went on for about 3 weeks i finally told my husband, i was scared and i wanted to get help and he was great about it, and wanted me to talk to my doctor about it! but when i got there i talked to my doctor about depression instead! then i was fine for a while and my husband thinks that i have been doing good! but lately in the past five month i find myself doing it about 2 times a week. sometimes more. lately i have been seeing movies about eating disorders and i am scared and i want to stop but i am trying but when i dont purge i feel like i am going to! I am not sure how this got started but i know i want to stop! any advice?
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

i just wanted to add i have only binged once or twice in this 9 month period!
 

David Baxter

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Hi, annalease -- welcome to PsychLinks Online.

What else if anything changed for you last fall or last December when this started? Any unusual stressors, life changes, life events, etc.? Any changes in habits, weight, sleeping, appetite?

Was this the first time you had ever experienced any sort of eating disorder? or was this just the first incidence of purging?

When was your last physical which included standard blood tests for thyroid function, etc.?

Do you have a history of any problems with anxiety, perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, excessive worrying, phobias, or depression? Or is there any history of any of those in your extended family (including uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.)?

Lots of questions, I know, but it's difficult to know where to start without some basic information.
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

Well, I guess I have always wanted to be skinny, but I have been over weight or anything! The funny thing is I still weigh the same now as I did when this whole thing started!

about the time it started, i had just moved to Hawaii, away from my family for the first time. (my husband is in the military) and i think lately i did it because i was trying to get pregnant and it just was not happening and i was watching everyone around me get pregnant and have babies when i wanted it so bad! and i guess it was just part of depression. a month ago I got back on depression medication and I was hoping that it would help, it did some, but I still find myself wanting to purge!

There is no history of any of what you asked in my family! And I had my last physical and was tested for thyroid function about the same time I got put back on depression medication i also had a CBC, everything was fine. mind you though most of the time when I purge is at night, and I do take vitamins everyday along with my depression medication.

With my husband being in the military he is gone a lot so I think it is hard for him to notice that I am still doing this. He will ask me from time to time about it and I am not a good liar, and I hate lying but I find it hard to tell him that I am still doing it, and in a way i guess i dont want him to know because i am afraid that he will stop loving me and think i am crazy!

I am afraid to tell my family and friends because I am ashamed not that they wont understand, but, I guess I just don't want them to know!

I also wanted to add i may have a small problem with perfectionism because i never think i am good enough for anyone including myself!


Thank you for replying to my message..
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

By the way i am 5'3 and 110lbs so i am not under weight! or anything.
 

David Baxter

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Sorry - more questions :eek:)

What is the antidepressant medication you were prescribed (name and dose)? You mentioned that you "went back on" this medication - how long were you on it the first time and how long were you "off" it before you resumed late last year? Did you have any withdrawal effects when you stopped taking it or any side-effects when you started either the first or second time?

These two comments caught my eye:

about the time it started, i had just moved to Hawaii, away from my family for the first time
tell me a bit more about this part - your relationship with your family, etc. - how being away from them affected you - how much contact you have with them now, etc.

think lately i did it because i was trying to get pregnant and it just was not happening and i was watching everyone around me get pregnant and have babies when i wanted it so bad
how long were you trying to get pregnant? how was your husband and perhaps your family reacting to not getting pregnant (i.e., did you feel "pressure" in any way from others to get pregnant or was it all from inside yourself?). Is there any reason that you're aware of for not getting pregnant? Do you smoke? Does your husband smoke?
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

Questions are okay! I am glad that you are asking me questions!

Well, I am very close with my family! And it was very hard to live so far away from them. I talk to them every day. and being away does not bother me as much anymore and I don't stress about it!

Actually my medication did change I was on Effexor I cannot remember the dose but I think it was a low dose and the side effects were insomnia but I did not get that until about 5 months into taking it. I was put on effexor because I had low energy in the begening.i was on it for about 6 months and then I stopped taking it!

I was off depression medication for about 6 or 7 months in between because I felt fine and then I had went home to see my family and when I came back my husband was out at sea. I Knew that he was going to be. none of my friends were around they were all on vacation so i was by myself.and i guess i just slipped back into the depression! and now i am on lexapro 20 mg its okay but i find my self wanting to stay in bed in the mornings. i am not sure if that has anything to do with depression or the fact that i have no reason to get out of bed I have nothing to do and I am by myself all day! My husband is out to sea until Saturday!
I have tried to get a job here but it has been extremely hard to get a job in Hawaii!

And as for getting pregnant it has been about 9 or 10 months. My husband is up and down about it! he changes his mind a lot about having a baby at times he is all for it and at others he thinks that it is going to stop him from going to collage. My family, they will be happy for me either way! I guess just really wanted to be a mom! I don't smoke, drink or anything else my husband does smoke from time to time and he does drink but as I said he has ups and downs about wanting to have a baby!

I also have career goals I just cant do anything about them while I live in Hawaii. I want to be a singer/songwritter but I have to live in Nashville for anything to come of that! so that is put on hold and I am fine with that!

My husband does Pressure me sbout the job thing! he thinks that i am not looking for one because i have not been able to get one. and this does put a lot of stress on because i have been looking and agian it makes me feel like i am not good enough for anyone including my husband!
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

I also wanted to add one more thing i dont know if this will help or anything. but i just thought of something that i have said to my husband during fight it may not be true but it has come from my mouth so it means that i have thought about it!

it was that he only wants me cause of the way i look!

And if i didnt look this way he wouldnt be with me in the first place!

Though my husband has never said anything like that and he gets mad at me when i lose a few pounds because he would rather me gain and few pounds then lose a few pounds, or so he says!
 

David Baxter

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annalease said:
I was off depression medication for about 6 or 7 months in between because I felt fine and then I had went home to see my family and when I came back my husband was out at sea. I Knew that he was going to be. none of my friends were around they were all on vacation so i was by myself.and i guess i just slipped back into the depression! and now i am on lexapro 20 mg its okay but i find my self wanting to stay in bed in the mornings. i am not sure if that has anything to do with depression or the fact that i have no reason to get out of bed I have nothing to do and I am by myself all day! My husband is out to sea until Saturday!
It seems to me that perhaps it's not all that surprising that you had a bit of a relapse - you returned from your visit home to your family to an empty home, husband away, no job, little emotional or social support, and my guess is feeling lonley, alone, and depressed. I'm glad to hear that he is due back soon but of course if he is in the navy he will sooner or later be going out to sea again. You're going to need to find some help in learning how to cope better and feel less isolated and alone during those times he is gone. I don't know about the situation in the US Forces but are there any support groups or associations, other military wives, that sort of thing that could be available for you? What about counseling? Is that something you can access either through the armed forces or privately (perhaps coverd by insurance)?

And as for getting pregnant it has been about 9 or 10 months.
That of course isn't really a very long time, especially iof you have been dealing with a move away from your family and other stressors during that time. It doesn't necessarily mean you won't be able to conceive in the future.

I also have career goals I just cant do anything about them while I live in Hawaii. I want to be a singer/songwritter but I have to live in Nashville for anything to come of that! so that is put on hold and I am fine with that!
Why do you think you have to be in Nashville? If you are going to be singing and writing songs, you can do that almost any where - I would guess even in Hawaii. Do you play an instrument? Guitar? Keyboards? If not, why not use the time you have now to start learning?

So far, I see you saying you are alone, far away from family and social-emotional supports, and married to a man who is in the forces and therefore needs to spend time away from home. On top of that, you feel frutsrated in your attempts to make progress on goals like becoming a parent or working on your career. But there are probably intermediate things you can do to plan and start taking steps toward the future - try thinking of what things you might be doing NOW that even in small ways will help you later, either in your career or in your personal life. Looking toward the future and doing what is possible to work toward that future is the best way to overcome that feeling of being stuck and trapped...

it makes me feel like i am not good enough for anyone including my husband!
he only wants me cause of the way i look! And if i didnt look this way he wouldnt be with me in the first place!
I understand that you worry about this - and it is part of why your eating disorder and depression have returned...

but you also said this:
he would rather me gain a few pounds than lose a few pounds, or so he says!
so he's telling you that he loves you and finds you attractive and would even prefer you to put on a little weight -- why do you think he would say thaty if he didn't mean it? it seems to me this is a big piece of the puzzle: you don't believe him because you don't feel lovable, so when he says he loves you the way you are you can't trust it. I don't know where this self-doubt came from but it's something you need to explore and overcome.

I do think having someone to talk to about these feelings and thoughts would be helpful - what services do you think might be available to you down there?
 

Ash

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how can i control my eating disorder?

I just have to put in my two cents... You need to think long and hard on why you've been purging and not just focus on the actual purging.

I'm 5'7 and about 115 lbs. I have been known to purge but I am more likely to not eat for days. For me, it's a self-esteem issue because of past abuse. Sometimes I do it because of depression, sometimes it's stress, sometimes I just want to be in control of SOMETHING!

My boyfriend also hates it when I lose weight. It seems that most men that I have talked to would rather that you put on weight! It sounds as if your self-esteem is pretty low right now and that you're putting those feelings onto your husband. Take what he says and TRUST IT!

You're not alone in this. Can you look around and find a therapist, a support group, anything? Please write back!
 

David Baxter

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Ash said:
sometimes I just want to be in control of SOMETHING!
Excellent point, Ash -- I should have mentioned that myself. And as is often the case, it fits perfectly with what you are describing, annalease.

You find yourself in circumstances not of your choosing (directly anyway) and where your life is to some extent controlled by -- well, the armed forces ultimately, your boyfriend, the job market, geography... everyone but you.

Feelings: Trapped. Helpless. Unable to control your own life.

Outcome: These feelings are recipes for both depression and eating disorders.

Remedy: Learn other less destructive ways to take back some of the control you feel you've lost (see my previous post about working in small ways toward the future). Learn cognitive techniques for reevaluating and reinterpreting what is happening in your life and changing the way you talk to yourself about these things: cognitive behavior therapy (CBT: see David Burns, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, Avon, 1999, or David Burns, The Feeling Good Handbook, Penguin, 1999; also try to find a counselor/therapist who is knowledgeable about these issues and techniques).
 

Ash

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how can i control my eating disorder?

David Baxter said:
These feelings are recipes for both depression and eating disorders.

I assume that eating disorders fall into Self Injury, correct?
 

David Baxter

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Ash said:
I assume that eating disorders fall into Self Injury, correct?
I wouldn't say that in most cases - certainly self-destructive behavior. Self-injury per se tends to be more about supressed/internalized feelings, often anger. But there is overlap, of course.
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

Hi, ash thank you for your reply.

Honestly I do not know why I do it! I have never been abused or anything else.

Actually growing up every one i hung out with were the attention grabbers and the guys always wanted them. the guys that i liked never liked me and in fact the always wanted to date my younger sisters rather them me. and for a long time i thought i was not good enough for anyone and i did not even have my first date until i was 17 years old. but around the age of 18 my looks changed dramatically I lost like 15 lbs and I became pretty. And I am told very often that I am beautiful, and I met the man of my dreams when 19 and I guess I am just afraid to go back to being the way that I used to be, so when I gain a few pounds I freak out!

I also Wanted to add for David that my husband is back out at sea and wont be homefor 2 weeks but them he will go back out agian after a few days for another 2 weeks then he will be home for three months, but while he was home i told him that i was still doing this. and he was mad that i lied to him about it. i tried to explain to him why i lied to him about it, and he didn't understand it and he said if i could lie to him about this i could lie to him about anything. i told him that i had done some reading on bulimia and everything that i did was related to the eating disorder. and i made him a promise to try to stop and for 2 weeks i did great until the other day! but i am going to really try to get through this! i may need the help of people from this site! I can go to canceling but I cannot really afford it and my insurance will only pay for 1 or 2 sessions! But I Am going to go to them when I can get a doctors apt! I hope that I can continue to get advice and support here until I can put this behind me!
 

David Baxter

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That's why we are all here, Annalease. I know the members here will do what they can to help you through this.

But it is important that you remember that we function primarily as a support group and that is not a substitute for counselling/psychotherapy.
 

annalease

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how can i control my eating disorder?

David Baxter said:
That's why we are all here, Annalease. I know the members here will do what they can to help you through this.

But it is important that you remember that we function primarily as a support group and that is not a substitute for counselling/psychotherapy.

i understand and that is what I need the most, support! I need people to talk to who know what I am going through. I understand that this site is not a a substitute for counselling/psychotherapy that is why I am going to get help else where. but just the fact that i was able to come here and get some things out in the open to people, people who are not judging me, but trying to help me and give me advice has help me a lot already! i am still very ashamed of myself for letting this ever happen to myself, i still haven't even told you all my real name. but i feel better about getting HELP. what i am worried about is it being on my Medical Record so if any one ever actually got permission to view it, they would know about my shameful problem.
 

David Baxter

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There is no need to use your real name ever here, annalease, and in fact there are some good reasons why it might be better not to do so, although that decision is always up to you.

I am sincerely glad to hear that this forum is helping you -- that was my hope in starting it... I hope one of the things you learn here is that having a problem like an eating disorder or panic attacks or depression, etc., should not make anyone feel ashamed, any more than having diabetes or a thyroid condition should make anyone feel ashamed.

There are millions of women and men who suffer from eating disorders needlessly because they are too ashamed to tell anyone about it. You have already taken one of the important steps toward making sure that you are not one of those - you are one of those who will overcome it.

See this article by Tauri Hall: "I am More than this Disorder".
 

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