How do I get some self respect back?

[Lonewolf]

I was 15 when it all blew up and i was removed from my home and put into care, 'He' stayed at home and still does! Disowned until i became 25ish! I have worked so hard to be accepted back into the family which even included having to deny it ever happened with them!! I have always needed/wanted to be close to my mum and would do anything to do that! It really hurts to think that my whole life has been denyed! I will never forget what 'He' or they did to me and still do to me!! My main gripe with them is that i have to be nice to 'Him' when i would rather rip his his head off!! Have learnt to keep all the emotions bottled up until i get back to my home and then it slowly boils over!! This is when i s/h or OD to take the emotional pain away!

With all this pretence going on, i hate myself more and more! I feel disgusting! I feel guilty, I feel trapped! I just need some recognition that it did happen, not only to me, but my sister too! (even though she agreed to back me up, at the last minute, she denied it all, so i had to deal with it all alone-And to some extent still do!)

I know some will ask 'why do i do this?' and the answer is quite simply 'i need my mum!!' No matter what is thrown at me, i just yearn for my mum's love! Im not complaining about my life being a complete lie, it may seem self inflicted, i just want to know if it is ever possible to gain any self respect in the situation i find myself in? I can't see another way out of it (apart from the ultimate!)

I need my mum even more now since my best mate died as he has left a gigantic hole in my heart, he accepted me as me! No one did before i knew him and no one does now!

This must sound totally bizarre but i needed to vent it! Hope thats ok? Is this just another form of s/h? mg:

sorry!

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: How do i get some self respect back?

Its always ok to say how you feel and ask questions.

Do you think that at this time, your mum is capable of giving you the things that you understandably need/want from her?

a) Accepting and admitting that all these things have been very wrong;

b) holding him responsible; and

c) accepting that it is unfair to expect you to see him?

Do you think that with her mindset and the way she thinks and behaves, that these things are likely to happen in the near future?

 

[Budoaiki]

Hello Thereeper,

Dealing with family trauma is hard but the first and most important thing I can suggest based on my experience is accepting that sometimes people choose denial to cope rather than facing the truth and their own pain.

It's hard seeing the people you love seemingly ignore your feelings so they can avoid their own pain.

What I'd suggest is focusing on finding a way to make peace with that, after all we are imperfect but in accepting that there is some solace.

And with anger be aware of your triggers and your internal dialogue before things boil over as anger can be like a fire. Once it gets hot enough it feeds on whatever it can blinding you to the point of volatility and when anger finds a target it eventually leads to guilt.

Sometimes all we can do is make peace with our own actions but I've found the value of making peace with who you are beside what you've been through is beyond measure. With that said as far as getting your family to acknowledge things, that can become an endless and destructive battle. First find your own peace and then dealing with them could be somewhat easier if you don't have to worry about the guilt of your own anger that their actions might inspire.

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: How do i get some self respect back?

lol! The answer is 'No' to every question! That makes it so much harder to deal with! I know that they will never accept that the abuse happened and i am banging my head against a brick wall to even try to get that! I also know that if anything has got to change, it's me! I yern to belong somewhere and have to accept all the crap that comes with it! Just don't have a positive way to deal with all the memories, thoughts and feelings that come with it! I can't forget what happened and i can't forgive 'him' for what happened!
I don't see it as the family's fault, i think its mine for the way it all came out, all those years ago! Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!!
I wish i could just blurt it all out! Everything! Get it all off my chest, but i feel that this will never be possible and probably not really achieve anything, anyway!
You guys are all probably thinking 'well nothing will change then!' Welcome to my world!!

 

[MHealthJo]

It is so good, hun, that you do see that these people are not about to change and cannot, will not, give you the things that you want and need.

What you have to somehow decide, though, is what to do with that.

If you can see that someone has absolutely nothing to offer you - nothing but pain -

Then you now have the ability to choose what position you put yourself in with that person/s.

You can either put yourself in a position where the hurt of what they can't give you, and what they keep taking from you, keeps wounding you anew, and takes all the good and positivity out of life, and makes you ill.

Or, you can put yourself in a position where they can not hurt you any more, and where you can move towards other people instead. Because there truly are other people out there who CAN and WILL give you belonging, respect, care, friendship, love. You did find one. That proves it!! It is so sad that you lost him; but then, he has taught you something wonderful: that others like him are absolutely, definitely out there. Take that (correct) lesson from him; not an incorrect lesson based on faulty thinking - an incorrect lesson that you did not deserve a friendship like that.

You did, and you WILL find it again. You WILL find positive things again!

Just not from these people.

These people do not reflect the whole world, or reflect anything about YOU. They just reflect their own sick problems.

It is unfortunate that quite a lot of people really are in that boat with their families. Then again, that means that you are NOT ALONE! It means that there absolutely, 100% definitely are many, many people out there who will really understand what you have been through, and would really find it a joy to give you some of these things that you have not had ever since then.

These people who have been through something similar, and are recovering from it, are often the very best people to help you learn to see things clearly, and recover your perspective from the abuse and unfair rejection you have experienced. (In a safe environment.)

It does not mean it is simple and quick and easy, though, to get to that place and to move on from where you are now. From the wrong idea that it is your fault for speaking up, rather than your family's for being twisted and abusive.

That is where support and therapy and reading the right books and articles, etc, comes in. It's so important, and it is the way out from the awful place you are in now.

(And that is how you must have found us here; and I can see that you are making moves in that direction. Good on you Reeper!!)

That's why it is so great that you are talking about this stuff here and keeping in touch with us, and keeping in treatment with your doctor. So yeah, just keep it up. Keep checking with your doctor from time to time about what resources you might be able to access. Lifeline (or the relevant distress support/listening lines in each country) can be a wonderful resource too - they are always there to listen, whether you prefer phone or online chat. Great sometimes when you feel that need for an instant response; that feeling of needing to know someone's right there with you in this moment. And they know excellent online resources, readings, etc, that they may show you to, based on what it is that you are facing. Remember too if you can, to check out libraries or secondhand bookstores and places like that too; there can be wonderful books for those who feel like they are bad or worthless and have had abuse from family. Books can change lives!


Families and parents can be (and often are) wrong, unbalanced, sick, and/or well and truly off in their judgment. Please believe us that this is really, really true in your case.

What someone else should, but will not give us, we really CAN learn to give to ourselves! And have other supportive people give it to us too.

No matter how stuck we are in the idea that awful things they say and think are true... Putting we ourselves in the 'bad basket'...... we can break out of that.

You just keep hanging on Reeper, and doing what you can for yourself, and I KNOW that you eventually will.

xoxo

 

[GDPR]

I wish i could just blurt it all out! Everything! Get it all off my chest, but i feel that this will never be possible and probably not really achieve anything, anyway!

I did blurt it all out to some family members.And it really hurt that nobody cared what I had to say,really.

I felt really sad after I read how you would give anything to be close to your mom. I know that longing. I still have this fantasy in my head about that,that my mom will be who and what I have always wished her to be. I have to accept it's never going to be that way though,and that it's just a fantasy. Sometimes I feel like I need her in my life,I need a mom,but really,she was never one to begin with,and I have made it this far without her,I really don't need her.

It's hard knowing I have a mom that I will never be close to.I have even thought about going back to pretending,just to have her in my life.But it's not worth it.It's not worth the aftermath anymore.

! Have learnt to keep all the emotions bottled up until i get back to my home and then it slowly boils over!! This is when i s/h or OD to take the emotional pain away!

That's what I did too.It's not worth feeling that way anymore though.I haven't had contact with her in over a year,and even though that's been hard,it feels less painful than how I felt after being around her.