How to get past the feeling that everyone hates me

[moonriver]

Lately I have begun to realize how much I limit my interactions with people because I always feel that they will automatically dislike me or be unkind to me. I think every interaction will be negative or result in some unkindness. I did try talking to a therapist about this and he told me to keep track of my interactions with people and I would see most were neutral or positive. I did what he suggested and he was right but I still feel exactly the same, that no one has any use for me or when I do talk to someone, they really are just being polite and they really have no interest in talking to me. I try doing the suggestions like getting them to talk about themselves, etc but it doesnt really change how I feel.

Is it possible that maybe I am picking up on this on an intuitive basis or something, could there be something about me that gives off this vibe. I dont know but it is making me unhappy and lonely. I wish I wasnt so scared of being around people, I thought I would get over this problem if I spent enough time working on it. Someone said to me the other day that if you realized how little time people truly spent thinking of you, you would never worry about it again. I know thats true, but its just that I feel like that split second I do get is always negative.

Has anyone else ever felt like this, can you really change how you feel about something like this?

 

[braveheart]

Re: How to get past the feeling that Everyone Hates me.

Yes, I feel like this so so much.
And, for me, the concept that people don't think about me makes it all the harder, because I am so desperate for people to think positively of me.
I don't know any answers really, but I can empathise. And the best I can do also is to keep a hold of the positive experiences.

 

[Lana]

Hi Moonriver;

First, thinking that you're disliked, or worrying that someone will be unkind is not the same as feeling that no one feels they have use for you or interest in you. All these thougths and feelings aren't due to intuition, but due to insecurity, fear, and distorted thinking. Does it transfer to the other person when you interact with them? Yes, very much so.

If someone approached me expecting me to exercise unkindness and hate, I think it would make me feel very uncomfortable. And this is where your feeligns may be right: most people have no use or interest in fulfilling such expectations. So what you project to people, how you approach them, the expectations you hold all come across during your interaction.

I can understand having fears and insecurities, but holding on to them will only strengthen them and possibly drive others away. Or worse...you may attract the very person you're afraid of.

 

[moonriver]

Thank you both for your thoughts. I think you raise some good points Lana, it's just I dont want to give off the vibes that you mention. It could be that I do that. How do I not do that then? How do you really change how you feel, I try telling myself that the way I feel is really not true, but I still feel that way. I don't want to be this insecure and guarded, but I am.

 

[Halo]

Moonriver,

I was thinking if you don't want to give off those vibes that you speak of, is there a select one or two close friends that you feel comfortable with that you could ask for their help. I say this because maybe if you had them observe you in social settings and then tell you from their perspective what they see so that would give you an idea of the type of vibe that you are giving off to others and that way you would know what you need to work on in order not to come across as guarded.

Anyway, just a thought.

 

[Lana]

Hi Moonriver (I so like your name )

I like Halo's suggestion. Your friends would be able to help you out in this. However, realizing that some situations dont' give much time to practice, there are a few things you can do. The trick is not to try them all at once or you'll over-stress yourself. So...baby steps...one little one at a time until you're comfortable...then move on. Ok?

First, there's no need to tell yourself that what you feel is not true. It is true. So when you try to deceive and suppress yourself, not much good will come of it and you risk ignoring real dangers should they arise. It's ok to be aware of your own thoughts and feelings. In fact, it's a very good thing.

Second, when you begin to feel that, take a minute to stop and recognize that anxiety, that fear...like you would if a child said she or he is afraid of a boogie man in the closet. That means, you do that in a loving, caring, compassionate way. So, you can say to yourself, "I'm aware of my thougths and feelings. I know I'm basing them on my past and it's ok. And for now, they can stay next to me but they don't have to run the show." Or something like that.

Third. Once you're aware of your emotions, once you've attended to them gently and lovingly, you will find that you may not be as anxious and afraid. The most important person and one whose feelings count most will be taken care of. That person is you. So now....smile...say hello. If you don't feel like starting a conversation, there's no need to. If they start one, minding your emotions, take your time and answer them as you see fit..or not.

For now, you can start doing just one thing at a time, one you feel most comfortable with. Don't invalidate or dismiss yourself or your feelings as if you have no use for them and no interest in them. It may be awkward at first, but everything gets better with practice.

 

[moonriver]

Thank you so much both of you. I am ashamed to admit I really dont have close friends I would feel comfortable discussing this with. I have a few friends, but none I could admit this to. I am too afraid of their reactions.

Lana- you make some good points, I will try what you suggest. I think alot of this is simply my perceptions, I am going to work harder to try and change them, I have been trying and I have done alot of things that I have not done in the past, but I still feel like it is easier to live my life like a hermit. But on the flip side it's hard being alone all the time and all because I am too scared to be around people. I watch others be courageous and pursue relationships and activites that I don't because I fear rejection and embarassment.

Then I end up feeling angry at myself and ashamed for being a failure and a coward. Everyone my age is married and has a family. Even my younger sister just had a baby and is married, it's hard not to be angry with myself for not feeling able to even pursue things like dating and frienships that I want deperately but have not got a clue how to obtain.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Its wrong of me to feel sorry for myself, I need to take action instead of just thinking so much, it is hard to do that.

 

[Lana]

It's ok, Moonriver. Don't rush yourself. You didn't get this way overnight so it wouldn't make sense to expect a change overnight either. Just take your time and be gentle with yourself.

If it helps, I don't know anyone that likes rejection or being embarassed. And it's something we learn to deal with and learn from. The important thing is not to reject yourself or shame yourself for your thoughts and feelings or worries. And you always have us here.

 

[moonriver]

Thank you Lana,that helps, it really does. Thank you so much for your answers, it meant a lot. I really felt understood if that makes sense. I usually don't.

 

[Into The Light]

have you had a chance yet to try some of lana's suggestions?

if it helps any i have my fingers crossed for you and am cheering you on!

 

[moonriver]

Thank you so much for thinking of me, it is kind of surprising to me that someone would bother, I guesss I have to start by not thinking that way I guess.

I don't know, I just dont where to begin I guess, I have been given lots of helpful suggestions in the past and at times I felt I was making progress, its just it never seems to stick with me, I never feel like I really change the way that I feel.

I guess I have to keep trying. Thank you agin for asking, its very nice of you.

 

[moonriver]

So I am trying to experiment these last few days. If I have to talk to someone I try to talk back to the part of me that is telling me that no one wants to talk to me. I am trying to tell myself that people are neutral towards me, that feels better than feeling hated. Anyway, it does seem to be helping, I feel like being around people a little more than usual. I really want to be able to make some friends. I am going to keep trying. Thanks for the thoughts you gave me. Change is hard work though and this isnt the first time I have tried to come out of my shell.

 

[Into The Light]

that is really awesome:goodjob: you know, when i meet someone new i am neutral towards them. i usually worry what they might think of me rather than what i think of them. it's as i get to know them a bit more that i then realize what i think of them, whether i like them or not and why.

so it's really quite unlikely a person is going to meet you and say to themselves, "i hate this moonriver!" instead, they either are worrying about how they are coming across, or, they think nothing negative of you unless they have reason to do so, and you'd have to do something pretty bad for that to happen.

 

[Lana]

Hey Moonriver! I think that is excellent! You know, everything gets better with practice so keep doing what you're doing. Eventually, that will become second nature and you'll be able to approach most things with neutrality. And do take time to enjoy every bit of the good feelings that you're experiencing. :hug:

 

[moonriver]

I am still trying to practice the techniques you both have suggested, I really hoped that all the time I have spent on my shyness would have paid off by now. Maybe shyness isn't even the word. Take tonight for example, I really wanted to go for a swim in the pool at my building but I couldn't because there were other people there. I waited the entire evening until everyone was gone and I thought I could go the last few minutes it was open but two people were sitting talking in the corner so I stayed in my suite instead. I hate feeling like I can't be out where others are, I don't even know what I am afraid of really. I just feel like a loser that can't overcome this problem. I desperately want friends and a social life but I act like a hermit and I won't go the extra mile to do what I know needs to be done. I wish I really understood how I got this way but I don't. It's like I will go and do one thing like go to the gym class or a party just to have done it but somehow I am just going through the motions, I still act like a hermit that avoids everyone. I hate that about me, do you think some people are just incapable of human interaction on any meanful level?

 

[Into The Light]

I hate that about me, do you think some people are just incapable of human interaction on any meanful level?

i don't really believe that. i am thinking maybe it's more than just shyness?

i don't remember if you've mentioned this or not, but have you ever spoken to your doctor about this? it sounds like this is something that is really having a big impact on your life.

 

[moonriver]

I actually did try to go to the Doctor about psychological problems in the past but I can never find the words to talk about it, I end up very uncomfortable and intimidated and so I never mention it. I am sorry i don't have more to contribute to this forum, you guys all reach out to each other and I really don't do that either. I thought about this last night a lot, I guess I am going to have to try a lot harder, I have talked to a therapist in the past and it was nice to have someone to talk to but I must have been doing something wrong because I still feel the same inside.

I guess this is just part of me, like a habit and I am going to try and break the habit by doing things that are uncomfortable for me. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I guess it's time I really try to crack this on my own.

 

[Halo]

I actually did try to go to the Doctor about psychological problems in the past but I can never find the words to talk about it, I end up very uncomfortable and intimidated and so I never mention it. I am sorry i don't have more to contribute to this forum, you guys all reach out to each other and I really don't do that either. I thought about this last night a lot, I guess I am going to have to try a lot harder, I have talked to a therapist in the past and it was nice to have someone to talk to but I must have been doing something wrong because I still feel the same inside.

I guess this is just part of me, like a habit and I am going to try and break the habit by doing things that are uncomfortable for me. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I guess it's time I really try to crack this on my own.

Moonriver,

I know that it is difficult going to the doctor and finding the right words to say so what I have found helpful in those situations is to write it down and either hand the paper to the doctor and read it off the paper. I often am at a loss for words or will "conveniently" forget to mention things out of fear so if I have it written down it helps.

I think that it is really encouraging that you said that you went to a therapist before and that it was nice to have someone to talk to. I would really encourage you to try that avenue again. It is helpful to have someone to confide in about our troubles. Just because you felt the same way inside doesn't necessarily mean that you were doing anything wrong. Thoughts and feelings don't change overnight. It is a process and one that takes time. It also depends on how long you went to that therapist and what approach the therapist was using to try and counter the negative thoughts.

As for giving back on here, please do not think that you are obligated to do that. This place is a give and take. You give when you can and take when you need to. If you aren't able to give back right now then that is perfectly okay. There are times when we all need to just take from here and look after ourselves and that is okay. Every one of us comes first in our lives and looking after ourselves is # 1. You actually probably haven't thought of this but by posting your struggles on here you are most definitely helping others. No doubt that there are other people here on the forum (members and guests) that are reading your thread that feel the exact same way but are too afraid to post and by reading your thread they are realizing that they are not alone. That in itself is helping others.

Take care

 

[Into The Light]

i agree with halo, the fact that you still felt the same inside doesn't necessarily mean you were doing things wrong. there could be all kinds of reasons why you didn't feel change.

i think it would really be well worth trying out therapy again and looking for a therapist that would be a good fit for you. you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[moonriver]

Yes Halo, writing it down might be a good idea, I will try and work up the courage to do that, even going to a Doctor at all is hard to be honest but your suggestion is very good. And you are right too Into the Light, maybe I should go back and talk to someone, I seem to be missing something somewhere.

Thank you too Halo, I do want to contribute as well though, I have tried in the past, it's hard to connect with people and feel like I am being helpful, even online. I do admire all of you that do it so well.