How to help a victim with no links to the outside world?

[helpwanted]

I desperately need advice.

I have an old friend, married with children, who has been stuck in a psychologically abusive, controlling marriage for over a decade. She is stuck in a position where she is made to feel utterly powerless.

This is compounded with a recent and rather nasty medical condition that has arisen in the last month. Even under ideal conditions, it will be a long time before she is physically well.

To make the situation even stickier, just prior to her illness she confessed to her husband to cheating. (Not with me, I'm just a concerned friend.) She now believes she deserves whatever she gets.

I visited her a couple of days ago. She told me I'd have to leave immediately before her husband returned, that she was under instructions to cut contact with all of her friends, male and female alike. Both her email accounts and her facebook account have been terminated. She cried, almost hysterically, chastising herself and keeping her eyes glued to the floor. She was so downtrodden -- I can't believe anyone could have reduced the girl I went to school with, to this.

I was not ready for that visit. I didn't say anything near what I should have said to tell her that she's not to blame for her abuse, that no one has the right to imprison her like this.

Early this year, when I was desperately medically ill and going through dire marital problems, she was there for me, my sounding board, my partisan, one of my few friends who didn't desert me when my life melted down. She doesn't know it, but she saved me from suicide. The parallels between my case and hers are almost ridiculous. I dearly want to give her the same kind of support in her hour of need, but I have no idea how to go about it when there are no paths for communication.

Advice?

I've written her a letter of support. Should I try to deliver it by proxy through her parents? I don't know anyone else who she might still be "allowed" to talk to. Is that running her a risk? I do NOT want to get her in any additional danger from her husband on my account. I do not know if he has been violent but I don't want to tempt it.

I made sure the other day that she had my contact information but I as beaten down as she was, I don't think she's going to reach out to me or anyone else. I'm worried about her health, her and her children's physical safety, and frankly her sanity. He has stifled her for years, but trying to fix their marriage by stifling her further cannot end well.

Has anyone had any experience with this?

 

[busybee]

Many people (males and females) stay in these abusive situations for years. And stay for a variety of reasons. I chose to stay because I had children, and I believed there were no options. It did not matter to me that there was a way out. When you are trapped in a situation it is what goes on in your head. Made your bed now lie it it. I deserve to be treated like this. So many many issues.
.. this is a really difficult situation. As a friend by continuing to support her that is what she really needs. You mention her parents, so she has their support I assume?? There are no easy answers here, but most importantly she will be on a difficult journey, she needs to find herself and learn what she will accept and what she wont. She may be trapped in a negative cycle within herself maintaining being a victim. I did... being a victim and being powerless... Friends offered advice, did not know why I stayed, ... but for them to tell me to leave my husband or whatever had me defending his actions... Very sticky situation. At the end of the day, I had to draw a line in the sand. 29 years this journey took me.

Encourage your friend to seek therapy and support her as best you are able. How well do you know her spouse? There is two sides to every story? If you seriously believe her or her children are under dire physical threat or harm... I would notify the authorities. Which is another big step..

I dont know if any of this helps....

 

[helpwanted]

I don't know if her parents are supportive or not. I gather they rather didn't approve of the marriage years ago, but I don't know more than that. I'm mainly considering them out of desperation, because I know they still live in the same town where we went to high school, and her father is quite active in the community there. They'd be exceedingly easy to track down. My fear is that I'd hand them an envelope, which they'd immediately open, destroy, or insist on confronting both spouses together with it. Bad circumstances, all. The truth is I have no idea if they know about the abuse or if they're not on his side.

I met the husband twice, once many years ago before they were married (he was an immature jerk) and once again recently when we got our kids together. His behavior had matured, but I got a negative impression nonetheless. He liked me though, which got me on her "approved" list of friends. For a while, anyway.

As far as there being two sides -- I believe she told me his side, not hers. She bashed herself pretty good. It was horrific.

 

[Yuray]

Clandestine efforts to help her would make her situation worse if discovered. She admitted to an affair, whether wise or not, and this is some of the fallout you have found her in at this time. There are deeper issues between them that she may not have told you.

I believe she told me his side, not hers.

She has told you how she views his side, not his side. Only he can tell that.

This could get very messy if you try to intervene. It's hard to sit by and do nothing, but be prepared to deal with the fallout when it comes if you intervene. This person is no longer the person you went to school with. When she nurtured you in a time of trouble, did you have strong feelings for her?

 

[helpwanted]

Did I have strong feelings for her? No. I was too ill to have much in the way of feelings for anyone.

Even now, this is concerned friendship. Nothing more.

I don't care what she's done. Abuse is abuse, no matter how it might be rationalized. No one deserves to have their contact from the world completely cut off, to hear only one perspective. That's control freak behavior. She's already in a messy situation. I just don't want to make her life worse by trying to help in an inept way.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know that there's much you can do that doesn't run the risk of making things worse for her and possibly entrenching her in a bad situation.

I suppose you could contact her parents and express your concerns but that may not help and may make things worse. I don't know that you have any basis for a report regarding the safety of the children, based on what you've said here.

 

[helpwanted]

I don't either. That's what makes this especially frustrating. I'm leaving out a wealth of details here -- I know for instance that he gets "scary" when mad, and gets angry easily. I've seen this myself the first time I met him years ago. But I have no way of knowing how much he's still like that, and if he's all bark and no bite.