How to stop comparing myself to others?

[littlerabbit]

One of my biggest obstacles to happiness and growth is my bad habit of constantly comparing myself to others. I'm constantly seeing others as more intelligent, more attractive, more confident, more talented, etc. In contrast I feel very inferior about myself. At times I can be intensely jealous of other people.

Unfortunately this affects my life in a lot of ways. For example when thinking about pursuing a relationship with someone I'll usually think "Why would they want me when they could have someone better?"

Another example would be--let's say I want to play guitar. I go on Youtube and watch videos of people playing guitar. If I see someone really talented (especially if they're younger than me), I'll get very demotivated. I'll tell myself that I'll never be as good as them, I'll never be able to "catch up" with them, so I shouldn't even try.

Somewhere in my life I guess I picked up the idea that if you aren't "the best" at something, you're nothing and you should just give up. Not a very healthy attitude, right? My intellectual mind can know that I'm being irrational, but emotionally I can't get out of the habit of feeling inferior.

I'm just wondering if anyone might have any insight on where these feelings might come from, and how to work on them to overcome them. Thank you.

-Mike

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This kind of negative self-talk is the perfect candidate for CBT.

See CBT - Cognitive Behavior Therapy - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[Daniel E.]

Unfortunately this affects my life in a lot of ways. For example when thinking about pursuing a relationship with someone I'll usually think "Why would they want me when they could have someone better?"

Some common dating advice is to work on self-esteem or self-confidence, such as with CBT as mentioned by Dr. Baxter, e.g.:

These kinds of thought patterns tend to erode self-esteem:

• All-or-nothing thinking. You see things as either all good or all bad. For example, "If I don't succeed in this job, I'm a total failure."
• Mental filtering. You see only negatives and dwell on them, distorting your view of a person or situation or your entire life. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm a failure."
• Converting positives into negatives. You reject your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "My date only gave me that compliment because he knows how bad I feel." "I only did well on that test because it was so easy."
• Jumping to negative conclusions. You reach a negative conclusion when little or no evidence supports it. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my e-mail, so I must have done something to make her angry."
• Mistaking feelings for facts. You confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure." No matter how strong a feeling is, it isn't a fact.
• Self put-downs. You undervalue yourself, put yourself down or use self-deprecating humor. This can result from overreacting to a situation, such as making a mistake. For example, "I don't deserve anything better." "I'm weak, stupid or ugly."

These strategies may help you approach situations in a healthy way:

• Use hopeful statements. Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Pessimism can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, if you think your presentation isn't going to go well, you may indeed stumble through it. Try telling yourself things such as, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this situation."
• Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They are isolated moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake but that doesn't make me a bad person."
• Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you may be setting unreasonable demands on yourself — or others. Removing these words from your self-talk can give you and others more realistic expectations.
• Focus on the positive. Think about the good parts of your life. Ask yourself, "What other things have gone well recently?" "What personal skills do I have that have helped me cope with challenging situations in the past?"
• Relabel upsetting thoughts. Having negative thoughts doesn't mean you must choose to react negatively. Instead, think of them as signals to use new, healthy thinking patterns. Ask yourself, "Which of my strengths can help me respond in a constructive way?" "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?"
• Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. Treat yourself as well as you'd treat a loved one. Tell yourself, "I did a good job on the presentation. It may not have been perfect, but my colleagues said it was good."

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/self-est...boost-your-self-image-with-these-5-steps.html

BTW, this may not be relevant, but a point by Albert Ellis is that many people "denigrate themselves," such as by comparing themselves to others, and this results in people overcompensating for their lack of self-acceptance by having overly-idealized notions of romantic relationships, which can make dating difficult or stressful.

 

[littlerabbit]

This kind of negative self-talk is the perfect candidate for CBT.

Thank you. Looks like there's a lot of good stuff to read there. I look forward to working through it and trying some of those techniques.

---------- Post added at 08:39 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:26 AM ----------

Some common dating advice is to work on self-esteem or self-confidence, such as with CBT as mentioned by Dr. Baxter, e.g.:

Thanks. I definitely see myself using some of those negative thought patterns. It's good to have some strategies to stop them.