I divorced my family and am in the process of removing myself from friendships...

[Raina]

Divorcing my family was easy because they always treated me like I was an outcast...they never accepted me...I was introduced as an afterthought growing up...oh...that is my daughter too...I suppose...things like that...

I was left out of family meetings...I was not included in family functions and when I was I was ignored so I stopped going...

Growing up I had no social skills...people would latch on to me and use me until they made new friends and then dump me and I would not even realize what happened...I just knew it hurt...then they would want to come back to me if things went wrong in their new relationship...it is like I wore a sign that said 'use me' and because I had no boundaries, no self worth and no memory of what happened five minutes ago (don't ask me how I got through school...that to me is the biggest mystery of my very sad life)...

A few people who call themselves my friends said the meanest things to me every time they were with me unless they wanted something. If they wanted someone to go out with and had no one else they would call me...I did not clue in for years but when I finally did...I started to turn them down and that made them angry...they became very aggressive and very nasty.

I am slowly disentangling myself from these people and it has been very unpleasant. I basically started remembering all the mean things they did and said to me and I started to respond...they could not handle it and either dumped me or I dumped them because they said they would continue...

Just last night...I told one girl that I am taking a break from everyone....I am not working so the only thing she could think to ask is if I am giving up my apartment...I just said no...but then I thought about it and I thought what gaul...how would she feel if I asked her if she was giving up a house that she cannot afford? She is swimming in debt and moving money from one credit card to the next and is looking down on me...I am not in debt. If I gave up my apartment where would I go? That raised my ire and reminded me why I need to not be around her. She likes to use me and even though I told her that I would be unavailable she tried to get me to go to two events with her before I "left"....I am really proud of myself because I said no to both and told her she would be getting a christmas card...she won't hear a thing from me until then.

I was spending time with my ten now eleven year old niece who enjoys my company because I am good with children...once they get used to me...they never want to leave and go back home...they want to stay with me...this same girl said you don't have a car so what could you possibly do to entertain her? She gives me no credit for brains...I find plenty of things to do to entertain my niece and I felt offended...she is so negative and mean...I made a pact with myself that I would end the relationship in 2012...when I confront her she becomes very aggressive and says that I take things out of context...but I know I don't...she is always telling me the mean things she does to other people...I hate her...she says she has an evil twin and is manipulative, disrespectful and destructive and i decided that I don't want that in my life.

I don't miss my family on either side...I felt better once I accepted that I was alone in the world and would make friends but would never have a family. For years that frightened me but in the last two years I started to come to terms with it. I remember one psychologist who told me to get a pet...I thought that was a good suggestion...problem is that I don't like pets...I like people and would rather play with a child and give them what they crave...undivided attention than play with a pet that I hear craves the same thing...

For my birthday in June 2012 I hope to be more stable emotionally and mentally so that I can have a new beginning...to start looking for work in the fall of 2012 and build new associations...I will not be known as a doormat...i will be known as someone who is assertive and that people cannot take advantage of and someone who has something to offer.

I separated from the last family member in 2010 when I stood up to her...out of her mouth came the words...you are the loser in the family....I don't take lip from you...I told her that if my feelings were not validated then there is the door...she said she was done and left and we have had no interaction ever since....I feel free and that I have a load off and am looking forward to building my life far away from them...I have a plan in case I bump into them and they say anything to me...I am perfectly comfortable saying 'we have nothing to say to each other...please get away from me' and walking away.

I have met people but have decided that I will build the relationships slowly...if they cross my boundaries I let them know right away and I am respectful of their boundaries. I hope to meet a lot more people in the fall when I go to school and take part in groups....I am now slow to call anybody friend...that is something that will have to be built over time...and I guard my time and my energy. Before I do anything I look into myself and ask if I think I will enjoy myself...will I learn something...do I have anything to lose...will I be respected...will I be comfortable...what does my intuition say....I have decided to listen to my intuition which is often right...I just never listened to it in the past...

Without a family I am on my own in the world but I'm not alone....there are people everywhere and I can form attachments...the goal is to form healthy relationships and to walk away from toxic people...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hi Raina,

Wow, you're brave! I recently stopped talking to my mom. I also don't trust her whole side of the family. My mom has no boundaries and I tried for years to have her respect mine. I knew that inevitably I would have to stop talking to her, but it took a long time to actually do it. I blocked my parents from phoning me, I blocked my FB and email... I am lucky that at least my dad's side of the family is decent and one of my brothers is not a loon like my mom. So I am going to visit them in a couple of weeks on a road trip.

I too am taking it slow with new friends. I've sort of been isolated here. No family anymore, and my old "friends" sound like your old friends. Of course because of the way I was raised, I tend to make excuses for people's behaviour, and forgive and forgive when I really shouldn't tolerate the manipulation or boundary issues. Which is why I am slow to trust. I am trying to be a bit more sociable now. I am a bit nervous because this afternoon I am meeting a girl I work with for lunch. She is quitting working there and going back to school, so if we don't have anything in common or I just don't sense any friendship chemistry I don't think it will be a big loss. She is a lot younger than me, but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Also I am shooting for a small gathering of folks I like for a little barbecue in about a month. I used to host quite large parties with my husband, but got tired of some of the people who were always bringing no food when it was a potluck and mooching off of us.... lol It was like they didn't come to visit us, they came for the food!

Anyway, congratulations on turning your life around. I was just curious to know, did you go through any or are you seeing a therapist right now? If not, I really hope you consider it. It really helped me. I am seeing a therapist myself again after not seeing one since 2008. It really is nice to get validation and support because not too many people understand when I say I don't speak to my parents. My husband and mother-in-law DO understand, and are very supportive. So at least there is that. Those are two people of the few that I can count on. And the number of people I thoroughly trust I can count on one hand!

 

[Raina]

Hi,

Yes I do have support albeit unsupportive sometimes. I cannot say that I get validation...that has always been lacking. I have nobody in my life that understands me, my needs or what I am going through so I give myself validation, I keep promises I make to myself...I am gentle and loving towards myself and understanding when I am unable to do something I really need or want to do. I am also patient with myself.

I pray for the day when I will have people in my life that I can trust and who will support me. Honestly now I pray every day for that specifically...never had it...except for one therapist I had for four years who was supportive but if I cried in session she would not know what to do and ask me to stop because she felt she was ineffective in that situation...other than that I liked meetin with her but she left the agency I was going to and moved into private practice.

It feels good to know that I am not alone in my need to take it slow with people...so thank you for sharing. I hope your barbeque goes well...I don't see myself entertaining for a very long time but I don't mind...I just see this as a time in my life when I have to work on myself...it is yet another phase in my life and it will pass...like all the others....

Glad you have some family that you can keep in touch with...I have a niece but she is only eleven and she loves me to death and loves being with me but her mom is so rude, insulting and crass and she mimics her mom sometimes...it is tough to take in my condition so I keep in touch with her by e-mail and I call her sometimes...but even then I know she will pick my brother over me who does not support her financially, emotionally and is just not active in her upbringing...he was also abusive to her physically and I stood up for her against him..but she sees other kids with dads and wants one too....my only attachment is that I have taken care of her since she was an infant and I love children...since my brother is really my half brother and hates my guts it makes for a weird dynamic so in effect my niece is out of my life too. If she e-mails me or calls me I respond or pick up the phone...I cannot give a child the cold shoulder because of the way her parents are to me...she is innocent in all this...but I learned to put my inner child first and I don't arrange to see her anymore. She will eventually stop calling or e-mailing and that will be that...

When I went to a group for survivors of abuse...some of the people in the group expressed a desire to break away but were afraid and then became afraid of me when I said that I had done it. The difference with them is that they have some bond...I was shunned even as an infant so I have no attachment to my parents...many people find that very frightening and frankly as an infant recipient of that hate I was very frightened too...it hurts when you are very little to feel like there is nobody in the world that cares about you or is looking out for you...

I have taken two years off work to address my issues....it came to the point where I could not work and address my issues too...so hopefully I will make a lot of progress...so far it has been painful even with support.

Glad you have a handful of people that are supportive of you....wish I did too... I am working on self reliance and accessing services and believe that I will find people...when the time is right...one step at a time and in time and over time...

Thanks for writing...I really appreciate your response...it is helpful...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

You are welcome.

I am just meaning that I had less people for over the last couple of years that I was hanging out with. Even at work I think I started to isolate myself more than usual. Of course I made the mistake of talking about my personal life to co-workers, so there I could understand that I overstepped my own rules of respecting people's boundaries. I mean they aren't my real friends, they are just co-workers. I wasn't careful enough with that distinction, I suppose. So now I am slowly coming back out of my shell and saying hello to people I haven't really been talking to for quite a while. I think it surprises some people! lol But I am not disclosing to them what happens in my personal life anymore. If they ask me how I am, that to me is such a loaded question, but I usually just respond now with "I'm fine, thanks."

I had no idea that my family on my dad's side was on MY side until I reached out to a few people, like my aunt. They assured me they didn't judge me just because I am my mom's daughter. I feel good knowing that they know I am not like her. In fact they have told me some things that validate my being separate from my parents. Even one of my mom's own sisters communicated with me, telling me the truth about some things my mother lied about.

So over the period of about a year, I've slowly been coming out of isolation a bit. But this is the first time I have gone out for lunch with a woman... I sort of feel like the guy from "I Love You Man." That was an awesome movie. lol I literally don't have any friends and I am looking for a same-sex friendship. The relationships with women I've had have only lasted for a few years. I am now a lot pickier and slower about accepting someone as my friend. As soon as I start getting that they are needy or manipulative or two-faced I am trying to not to make excuses for them, I just stop talking to them.

You sound like you are still in the place I was about a year ago, so I think you will eventually you will find some friends you can trust. It's okay that it takes time. Take time for yourself to heal, take time to make new friends. It's okay to be cautious. Just because you are alone doesn't mean you're lonely. I really like what you said about taking care of yourself:

I have nobody in my life that understands me, my needs or what I am going through so I give myself validation, I keep promises I make to myself...I am gentle and loving towards myself and understanding when I am unable to do something I really need or want to do. I am also patient with myself.

A lot of people need validation so badly that they come across needy or clingy, but you sound like you are strong enough to not need other people to fill a void. That's awesome! *high five*

 

[Raina]

I feel so happy that you found support in your family...it must feel wonderful to have acceptance...that is not an option for me except for my niece maybe when she gets older....I don't know.

Where I last worked people talked about mental health openly ... I worked in a law firm and burnout and breakdowns among overworked staff were not uncommon so they actually had a team to help with that. Sadly there were still some people who could not acclimatize and brought with them their own attitudes from their old workplaces so they could be nasty.

You are so right...that "how are you" question is so loaded...I always said fine too...most people just want to hear that and nothing else...it is almost like a reflex when they ask they almost cannot help asking that question...

Wishing you positivity and success in your search for a same sex friendship....

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

lol Thanks Raina! I wish peace and happiness for you as well, no matter how you find it! 8)

The lunch "date" went okay. There is potential there. But I am not convinced yet. lol We'll see how it goes...