I don't know what to do

[jeffrey]

I`m hoping that someone may be able to help or advise me on what to do.

I recently started dating a 33 year old woman, I'm also 33, things have moved at a very fast pace between us and we seem to really hit it off.

This woman i have found to be really interesting and she stimulates me in mind, body and spirit.

Okay this is the problem that i have,this woman has a history of Bipolar, self harming and bulimia. She has overcome the latter two but still has mild bipolar. When she was at her lowest point four years ago she was found by another woman who helped her. This woman was following a shamanic path called the Peruvian Medicine Wheel, so the woman whom I'm dating joined the group.

My girlfriend has taken to this medicine wheel completely. It is now a massive part of her life and the woman who took her in is in my girlfriends own words "everything" to her.My girlfriend has been single for the entire time that she has been in this group, the leader woman has in the last year found a man to share her life with who has also joined the group. My girlfriend wanted to find a man to join her on her journey.

So after dating her for a while and doing all the normal dating things like eating out, going to the movies, bowling, etc., etc., she then introduced me to the group. I participated in what was called a fire ceremony where i had to shake a rattle and chant. After the ceremony the leader woman said that she had seen a serpent that had looked at me and said "who is he?". This made me feel as if i was being questioned as to my intent,i went along with an open mind to experience something that i had never experienced before and was made to feel very much like an outsider. I felt that this leader woman saw me as a threat.

The house of the leader was very unhygienic with mice running around the kitchen work surfaces. I wasn't comfortable in this environment, so things weren't looking good. I didn't want to tell my girlfriend that i didn't really like this leader woman and that i never wanted to be in her house again as i didn't want to upset my girlfriend, but of course i had to tell her.

My girlfriend said she couldn't see how we could continue as the group are a massive part of her life, that she had told the leader what i had said to her, that the leader was very angry and didn't want anything to do with me... Things were looking really bleak. We broke up at that time.

A few days later we saw each other again, we had a wonderful time together, then she called me a couple of days later to break up with me, saying that she noticed that i had tendencies for being jealous, possessive and short tempered. i agreed with her that i do have some of these tendencies, but in a volume that is probably quite normal in certain situations... Well maybe I'm a bit worse than the average. Anyway, she was calling it off again. I got angry and decided the only way to really end it was for me to be horrible, so i told her where to go, what i thought of the situation she was in and what she should do. I was rude and hurtful to her, something which i regretted doing almost as soon as i did it.

A week passes and we get in contact again. Everything is great. We both think about each other all the time. We do the same things and think along the same lines. So we spend another weekend together. I take her out and treat her with kindness which makes me happy to see her happy. We talked a lot and decided to just go with the flow and that everything would work itself out in time.

Today she contacts me saying that the leader is really off with her and that she feels torn. She keeps crying all the time because she doesn't know what to do. She knows I'll never be accepted in the group because of how i feel and what i have said. She wanted someone to walk the same path as her but realises that it wont happen. I keep trying to tell her that it`s okay to have different interests, that i don't want her to give anything up, that it'll be okay, that I'm still here for her and that we can be good together.

I'm clueless as what to do, because she has a history of BPD. i don't want to be the cause of her misery, she has been in the comfort of this group for four years now and has kept her BPD in check... What can i do?

Please help me if you can. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Jeff.

 

[Atlantean]

Re: I dont know what to do.

Jeff, its obvious her spiritual path supersedes her romantic interest or all other aspects of her life. You already know you will never like the people shes associating with and they view you as an 'outsider', so the dislike is mutual. Of course it puts her in a difficult place, as she feels torn between her love for you, and the path she feels that she is meant to be on.

I can relate in a way because I have a lot of "New Age" (God I Hate that label) beliefs and my husband is highly skeptical, though he has experienced certain things since we've been together that have opened his mind, though he is very scientific and we get into heated debates at times over various topics.

But back to you, I think its painfully obvious that she has chosen her spirituality over her desire for a relationship, though you are certainly receiving many mixed messages and inconsistencies which are unfair to you.

It really doesnt sound like you will be able to pry her away from this group.. I think you already know you have to be the one to move on and are just needing affirmation of what you already know. But I think its very important for you to quit letting her toss you back and forth like a tennis ball, you really need to take a more proactive stance and be the one to tell her you just cant talk to her if this is the decision she has made.

You have my sympathies. I can really feel the pain in your post.

 

[jeffrey]

Re: I dont know what to do.

Thanks for your reply Atlantean,

The thing is i have been interested in things spiritual and (new age) for years,i have been an experimenter in my youth and have seen many doors opened,so,it`s not as if i`m denying her beliefs.

I have studied certain aspects of shamanic plant uses e.g Ayahuasca and Peyote used by the Huichol people ect ect.

I think this is why she connects with me so much because i have a lot of knowledge,but,to me it seems that she has commited herself to only having a partner that excepts every aspect of her life and journeys with her,which i`m quite happy to try,but,with her yes but not within the group...I believe very firmly in individuality,to debate and learning new ideas and concepts and not to be restricted to one belief.

Such a dilema this is,i do feel a lot of pain,i have let it effect my work,i have let it effect my personal well being,just as she has,we both suffer.

 

[Atlantean]

Re: I dont know what to do.

I never once stated that you were in any way close minded to anything, or in any other way downplaying or discrediting her belief system.

I stand by my original post, which is only reinforced by the comments that you made indicating you are letting this affect your work and other peripheral areas of your life, and you are both suffering. She made the choice, the only choice you have is how you will and can healthily handle her decision, while respecting her wishes you still have to look out for your own well-being, and playing the tennis ball game just isnt good for either of you.

 

[Andy]

Re: I dont know what to do.

Hi Jeff,

This is just my opinion so I hope you can just take it as feedback and nothing more. :dimples:
To me it sounds like there is already a pattern going on there. With getting along fine at one minute and then her beliefs causing a bit of friction causing the two of you to part ways the next. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Again this is only my opinion, but if this is how it's starting out then I think you have to ask yourself whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. You could just give her her space with her beliefs as well but by what I have read (correct me if I am wrong) it sounds like that is something that is an issue of hers that she keeps bringing up to cause friction in your relationship.

I`m clueless as what to do,because she has a history of BPD i dont want to be the cause of her misery,she has been in the comfort of this group for four years now and has kept her BPD in check...What can i do?

Being bipolar myself (and I have an eating disorder and will be 33 in a week-isn't that weird:bonk I can promise you that you will not be the cause of her misery because she is bipolar. Maybe a little heartbreak-but that's normal for anyone. I just hope that you don't feel that because she is bipolar that you have to be extra careful with her feelings at the sake of your own...
I hope you know what I mean and I haven't offended you in anyway. Hopefully something I said may be of some help to you.

Best of luck...:support:

 

[jeffrey]

Yes i see what your saying smirking,i have decided to give her space so she can work things out in her mind as to what she wants,i`m trying to be optimistic but i have the feeling that when,or if she gets back in contact that it will be to tell me that she can`t continue with me.

I do hope she has the respect for me to let me know one way or another,the waiting is horrible...Life is hard,always has been and always will be,if it wasn`t then we wouldn`t grow,why though does it seem so hard to have a relationship with someone who you have found a real affinity with? It`s enough to make anyone paranoid about their life.

Maybe i just connect with the wrong people or that the right people don`t connect with me.

 

[Andy]

I do hope she has the respect for me to let me know one way or another,the waiting is horrible...Life is hard,always has been and always will be,if it wasn`t then we wouldn`t grow,why though does it seem so hard to have a relationship with someone who you have found a real affinity with? It`s enough to make anyone paranoid about their life.

Maybe i just connect with the wrong people or that the right people don`t connect with me.

I'm glad you have come to some what of a conclusion. Women are complicated at the best of times lol, so I can understand all the confusion. I am not one to give relationship advice at all. I gave up after the last one.
Your right though a relationship shouldn't have to be that difficult. In my opinion either your in or your out (no head games in the middle stuff). I do hope she does figure out what she wants and can at least be honest with you about it.

What I do know for sure is that you can't help who your heart falls in love with.
Good luck to you-I hope it turns out the way you want it. :support:

 

[jeffrey]

It gets worse,she told me she had had three lesbian experiences in the past but now knows that she only likes men,this i can deal with as everyone has a past.

What i do find strange is that last night on her facebook wall she has a female friend that sent her one of those silly gifts that you get on there,but,this silly gift {Edit for language: have sex with me},if your not up on the facebook thing then let me explain,on facebook you can send little computerised gifts like flowers,chocoltates,angels ect ect,some of them can be kinky.

I`m begining to become suspicious of her integrity...Now i know why i didn`t bother with relationships for so long.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Jeffrey,

She may not be the right one for you. I know that you care about her a lot, that you love her. But unfortunately, sometimes loving someone isn't enough to make a relationship work. In this case, there seems to be many red warning flags for you. Don't ignore them - they do offer insight into how you feel about this relationship.

Having said all of this, just because this one may or may not work out, forgoing relationships altogether isn't a healthy solution either. Sometimes, we have to be patient and maybe more selective on who we choose to date. Follow your internal dialogue about what it is you want in a partner. And don't compromise on those standards.

 

[Andy]

Hey,

I definitely agree with Jazzey. It sounds like she is giving you mixed singles left and right. In my opinion she sounds to be just as confused as you are with her. Maybe she isn't in the right place for a relationship right now anyway.

Aside from telling her your concerns straight out, It seems to me that with how many conflicts this relationship already has in the beginning stages it doesn't sound like something you would really want to invest your heart in anyways. That's just my opinion.

And again with whay Jazzey said. Just because this one didn't or may not work out (depending on what you choose to do) it does not mean that you need to swear off dating (says the hypacrit...again). Maybe this girl may have really hurt you but I think doing that only makes it so much harder to get back into the dating scene when you want to.
Get back up on that horse right away (so to speak)

I hope you can figure something out. :support:

 

[Budoaiki]

Jeffery,

From what I have read I agree with a lot of what has already been said like that you obviously care a great deal for her and she for you. I am going to share a similar experience that i have had with this type of situation, which was with a girlfriend who was a devout Catholic her father is a Priest whereas I am an agnostic raised in a christian household.

We obviously had different belief systems but the fundamental principles we believed in were the same and even with that we still had our arguments. In the end it came down to a point of wether or not she was willing to accept and respect our differences instead of trying to make me into a christian. Unfortunately she was not able to do that and we agreed to see other people and I still have feelings for her of course but I can't force her to accept me for who I am.

I think the fact that she comes back to you after a break is evidence that she is trying to put your differences aside but there is also the fact that when she is confronted with them, be it from her own mind or the influences of the people in the group. Who she obviously looks to for guidance, then she pushes you away perhaps feeling that she needs to choose between it and you.

Borrowing from what Atlantean said it's been playing tennis with your heart and hers. So from my perspective it comes down to this; Is it helping or hurting? And is it worth it? These are questions only you can answer.

 

[jeffrey]

Thanks again for all your replies,they make a lot of sense.

My girlfriend contacted me the other day,the turmoil that she is experiencing is too much for her,she believes that she has strayed from her spiritual path,all she kept saying was that it wasn`t me but it was her that she had to end it,being with me meant that her life would never be one.

She cried a lot,now i`ve accepted that it has ended,some things just aren`t meant to be,shame,she was a beautiful person that i really felt a lot for and i`ll miss what could have been.

 

[Andy]

I'm sorry Jeffrey.
When your ready to get back on the horse I am sure that you will find another woman that you can have the same feelings for minus the confusion, and I am sure any woman would be lucky to have you. :support: