CharlotteRaine
Member
...and that nobody understands me. There seems to be a chasm in communication between everyone in the world and me. No matter how thoroughly I try to explain my perspective, no one seems to understand exactly what I said.
I really need someone... just, some human being who I can be close to. Whenever I say that, people just tell me I'm feeling needy and lonely and self-centered and that I need to learn to be self-sufficient. But I can't help but be self-sufficient; I just want to know that, if I want to stop being self-sufficient for just ONE second, there will be someone there for me. When other people talk about self-sufficiency, I wonder if they already have a support network of some sort... friends, family, any of that.
But I feel like I don't have anyone in the world. I've emotionally distanced myself from my parents -- my father, because he was abusive and I don't agree with his worldview, and my mother, though I love her, because she was so submissive and didn't stand up for me when I needed her. I have no siblings. I'm told by a friend that I tend to push people away, perhaps as a defense mechanism, and I totally don't know I'm doing it, or how to change. That friend can't be my support, either, because he does the same thing (emotionally sequesters himself).
So I try to build relationships with people. I have some good friends from high school, and I was always there for them when they needed me. I told them I cared about them, which I do, and I told them I'd be there for them no matter what. I think they try to be the same for me, but they can't, because they don't know how my mind works -- mostly because they're not religious at all, and my faith is such a big part of my life. I try to talk about philosophy with them, and it seems like it goes totally over their heads: "Oh... uh... wow that sounds deep and philosophical, Charlotte, I don't really understand but you're really smart and I think you can figure it out."
But there's no one in the religious community who can support me, either, because right now, my goal is to find the truth. I am(was?) devoutly Christian at one point; now my goal is to simply grow closer to God and give my heart to Him... I'm not totally sure about Christ being part of the "Godhead" because the more pure mathematics I study, the less that argument makes sense.
I truly believe that love is giving of yourself without expecting anything in return. But I keep opening my heart to people, and I keep getting hurt, and I don't know if I'm getting anywhere better. I just pick myself up again and keep doing it, because I'm an optimist, and I'll never let other people turn me into a grouchy hermit. Nevertheless, I feel incomplete... is there an answer? Will someone point me in the right direction? How long will I have to wander before I find what I'm looking for?
I really need someone... just, some human being who I can be close to. Whenever I say that, people just tell me I'm feeling needy and lonely and self-centered and that I need to learn to be self-sufficient. But I can't help but be self-sufficient; I just want to know that, if I want to stop being self-sufficient for just ONE second, there will be someone there for me. When other people talk about self-sufficiency, I wonder if they already have a support network of some sort... friends, family, any of that.
But I feel like I don't have anyone in the world. I've emotionally distanced myself from my parents -- my father, because he was abusive and I don't agree with his worldview, and my mother, though I love her, because she was so submissive and didn't stand up for me when I needed her. I have no siblings. I'm told by a friend that I tend to push people away, perhaps as a defense mechanism, and I totally don't know I'm doing it, or how to change. That friend can't be my support, either, because he does the same thing (emotionally sequesters himself).
So I try to build relationships with people. I have some good friends from high school, and I was always there for them when they needed me. I told them I cared about them, which I do, and I told them I'd be there for them no matter what. I think they try to be the same for me, but they can't, because they don't know how my mind works -- mostly because they're not religious at all, and my faith is such a big part of my life. I try to talk about philosophy with them, and it seems like it goes totally over their heads: "Oh... uh... wow that sounds deep and philosophical, Charlotte, I don't really understand but you're really smart and I think you can figure it out."
But there's no one in the religious community who can support me, either, because right now, my goal is to find the truth. I am(was?) devoutly Christian at one point; now my goal is to simply grow closer to God and give my heart to Him... I'm not totally sure about Christ being part of the "Godhead" because the more pure mathematics I study, the less that argument makes sense.
I truly believe that love is giving of yourself without expecting anything in return. But I keep opening my heart to people, and I keep getting hurt, and I don't know if I'm getting anywhere better. I just pick myself up again and keep doing it, because I'm an optimist, and I'll never let other people turn me into a grouchy hermit. Nevertheless, I feel incomplete... is there an answer? Will someone point me in the right direction? How long will I have to wander before I find what I'm looking for?