I hate myself

[Cat Dancer]

I have a toothache so I am going to the dentist later. I told my husband (big mistake) and he said it was my fault because of purging. He said it's so unnecessary and basically that I shouldn't do that. Well, I KNOW that. I don't do it because I want to. I don't. I don't know why I do it. I hate myself so much. I feel like a horrible, evil monster and I shouldn't even go to the dentist because I don't deserve to feel better. I just want to die. I do. I want to die and get out of this awful body and soul and whatever i am.

 

[Mari]

H! CD I am just wondering if your husband is a doctor or a dentist? Has he ever had a toothache? We could look up all the things that contribute to dental problems and if we took good care maybe we would never have another toothache. I had a dentist once who had perfect teeth and he would mention it every time I saw him and make me feel guilty for not having perfect teeth. I stopped going to him because I felt like I had to apologize for not doing all the right things to have perfect teeth. Who know, maybe he just had genes for good teeth and it had nothing to do with his professed perfect care of his teeth. Go to the dentist and get your teeth taken care of - you deserve to feel better. Maybe your husband needs some novacane oops, sorry that slipped out.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I feel like I don't deserve to get help because I do this to myself. I did have trouble with my teeth even as a child, but that wouldn't matter at all to him. I used to print out stuff about self harm for him to read so he could try to understand it and he said it was all stupid and not true and those people/professional didn't know anything so I've given up on it. I just told him I wasn't going to talk about it with him. Maybe that is childish, but I think it's hopeless to talk about things with him and I'm not going to anymore. I am going to try the new therapist and see if he can help me and that is all I can do.

I am so depressed over this today. I am SO ashamed and repulsed by myself. WHY can't I just stop purging? I am going to try to just not eat at all. I have no idea how to fix this or eat normally. I'm so awful.

Thanks for being kind to me. I know I don't deserve that, but Thank you so much.

 

[forgetmenot]

CD i have a toothache too hun all my teeth are bad really i do not look after myself i guess but NO ONE deserves pain hun our illness is what it is and no one is awful we just are sick ok You go to dentist and get your teeth looked after and don't listen to your dumb ass of a husband he hasn't the brains to begin to understand what you are going through

You deserve kindness keep saying that ok because you do as does everyone hugs

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just am so tired of me. I am sorry you struggle with your teeth too. It is so painful. Life is just so painful and there is no end to the pain in site.

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I don't know if I see things right though. He says he's just trying to help and maybe he does mean well. I can be overly sensitive. Life is too confusing.

 

[forgetmenot]

Maybe to him it is help hun maybe but it is not because it only makes you feel worse I am sorry you feel so bad about you but try not too ok Everyone has to go in to the dentist everyone to get their teeth look after even hsb so don't be so hard on you

 

[Cat Dancer]

The dentist said it's from grinding my teeth. Not from anything else. So they put some kind of bonding stuff on it. I don't know. It still hurts, not as much. I felt so ashamed being there. I cried, but said my eyes were watering. I just feel so much shame and guilt and repulsion from all of this. As I should.

 

[forgetmenot]

well many of us grind our teeth hun no fault it is j ust something that happens I am glad dentist was able to apply something on your teeth to help them not be so painful hugs

 

[rdw]

My husband has ground his teeth from the time he was a young child. He is not bulimic, anorexic nor does he self harm. He grinds his teeth plain and simple. Lately he has found some relief through acupuncture - has it stopped entirely - no but it has slowed considerably.

 

[Banned]

It's called bruxism. Stress, anxiety, even missing or crooked teeth can cause it. You can get a bite guard to wear at night to protect your teeth and there are exercises you can do to train your jaw muscles to relax.

 

[Retired]

Resources for bruxism:

Bruxism Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic

Teeth Grinding (Bruxism): Causes and Treatments

Bruxism: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia

Bruxism & Sleep - Sleep Disorders - National Sleep Foundation

Teeth Grinding (Bruxism) Symptoms, Causes and Treatment in Children and Adults - MedicineNet

 

[Cat Dancer]

I do have a mouth guard but I take it out in the night every night. So annoying. Not sure why I do that.

I know I have some intrusive suicidal thoughts, but a LOT of my thoughts of suicidal are related to this eating disorder I have. I'm not even sure what I have. I'm underweight enough to have anorexia, but I also purge a lot, every single day, sometimes several times, sometimes if I just drink water. It makes me feel so repulsive and out of control and disgusting and it IS a waste of food like my husband says. I know that. I just want out of it, but I have struggled for so long I don't know what to do. So I think about dying a lot because of it. I feel so angry at myself. SO angry.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think if I could magically get rid of one of my issues I would choose this one. Because if I could eat well and eat right I could think better and have energy. Probably silly to think that, but that is a question on my homework, what would I magically change overnight about myself if I could. I think things would be easier to to deal with if this was not always crowding out the other thoughts in my mind, the eating thoughts would be gone and there would be room for other stuff. Hopefully I wouldn't just dwell on other bad stuff. I probably would. LOL.

 

[Retired]

Consider these resources:

NIMH ? Eating Disorders

NIMH ? Eating Disorders Booklet

National Eating Disorders Association

Find Help & Support | National Eating Disorders Association

 

[Mari]

what would I magically change overnight about myself if I could

That is an interesting question. I am going to think about that for awhile and maybe post back after I finish fixing my gate.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Steve, thanks for the links. I missed that post earlier.

 

[Mari]

:fixed: the gate, that is - not me. Thinking about the question has created more questions in my head but I can read for answers and/or ask my therapist. I would choose to stop my compulsive counting. It is a coping mechanism I have used since I was a child and it is so much a part of me that I do it almost as easily as breathing and it has become a habit that I cannot seem to stop. I count in my head so people do not notice but I would like to stop and I have been trying. I count anything and everything and I frustrate myself because everything has to be done on a certain number. It might seem trivial but it would be so nice to be free of.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That's not trivial. That must be frustrating.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ugh. I just want to say that telling someone to just stop having an eating disorder is not very helpful and causes great guilt and frustration. i would just stop if it were that easy. I would.

 

[Cat Dancer]

But on some level it is a choice right? I choose every day to engage in the eating disorder behavior. I think on some level it's for attention, maybe so people will feel sorry for me? I don't know. I hate it, but I do it anyway. So I don't know what that means. There is some really sick part of me that wants attention from this? From all my mental health issues? Maybe it is all about manipulation and trying to get people to care. It has to be that on some level. The attention I do get is very negative, but i guess that is better than being invisible? I don't know. I just don't know. It's confusing.