• Quote of the Day
    "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived,
    and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."
    The Buddha, posted by David Baxter

rebecca8

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
69
Points
6
I don't know what's wrong with me. For how shy I am, I really can put on an act in interviews, and first days, but then comes the second day, and I start to feel locked in. I don't want to commit. Or, I'm scared that now comes the part where they really have to get to know me. I don't like that. I have no clue what is wrong with me. Maybe, I'm accepting jobs I don't want just to please people, and then beating myself up if I quit. It's like I'm setting myself up for failure, so I don't have to listen to people's disapproval, but it's all backwards. That's just what is happening.

I wish I never quit my old job. Even though there was a lot of crap to deal with, it was still fun, and I was comfortable there. I feel like I am trying to make the people around me happy again. But, now look at me, I'm miserable. They think I'm "too good" to work at my old job, but the way I saw it was that it was a part time gig to pay for school expenses when I FINALLY decided to attend. I don't even feel like my friends or family are concerned for my well being. My mother is so ashamed of me she makes up success stories about me to tell her friends. My grandmother used to make fun of me for working where I did (it's a retail home improvement store). At my age, their friends kids have graduated college, have careers, and are married with their own kids. They make me feel like such a loser.

The reason I quit my old job was because they moved me into another department where they fired everyone prior. I liked where I was so much, and hated the new position. I should have hung in there until they hired more people. I think they would have let me move back to where I wanted to be. But, there was also my depression that left me up one night, and I felt so defeated, that I just didn't go in the next day, and never went back to work because I was embarrassed and didn't feel like I could explain myself. It feels like everyone has judged me. I'm so sick of it. I wish I didn't care so much what people thought. If I really wanted to, I could convince them to rehire me (i was pretty well liked), but then I'd feel like I was betraying a good friend for returning to the place that laid him off. That probably sounds crazy, but my mind is in a cloud now.

I'm scared because I start to think I wish that I would die. I would never kill myself...... because I'm such a people pleaser.......... (rolling my eyes) but I worry that I might subconsciously get into a fatal accident or something because I'm feeling so worrisome and hopeless. I am such a mess, and now I will have to face my mother who is going to have a fit because I won't have any money to help with the gas bill or whatever else. I'm really weak right now, I don't want to be here. But all I can think of to do is cry like a big 25 year old baby.Sorry to complain, just trying to get it out so I don't explode. Thanks for listening.
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
try not to beat yourself up or second guess your past decisions. if you had kept the old job, you might have been wondering what if you'd tried to look for something else, what if?

in all situations we can play the "what if?" game. but it's not really helpful, it just serves to beat yourself up.

i think right now you need to figure out for yourself what it is you want. you say you just take certain jobs or do things because of pressure from people around you. i think this isn't working for you, which is why i am suggesting you may want to think about what kind of job you DO want, and then go for it. in my mind, any job is good as long as you're feeling at the least fairly decent about being there. try not to worry about the status of the job. if you're ok with the job, the more power to you, because a job is a job and it pays the bills!

if the job you really want is your old job, do you think you could talk to your friend about this first, explain that you'd like to go back but that you feel like you'd be betraying him, ask him how he would feel about it, and take it from there. you never know, he might be totally fine with it. if he isn't, you have to decide for yourself beforehand maybe what you'd do if that were his answer.

i see this all has you feeling pretty hopeless and not wanting to be here, so keep talking to us because things really aren't hopeless. i know you're feeling overwhelmed right now but we're here to support you through this. you can take control of your life by making some decisions on what you want, and then to take steps to reach those goals.
 

Daniel

Forum Supporter
MVP
Joined
Aug 5, 2004
Messages
21,520
Points
113
For how shy I am, I really can put on an act in interviews, and first days, but then comes the second day, and I start to feel locked in. I don't want to commit.

Have you considered temp work? I've never tried it but my friends in college used to like it. (A related movie that I enjoyed as an often unhappy employee: Haiku Tunnel, Trailer for Haiku Tunnel.)
 

ladylore

Account Closed
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Messages
3,855
Points
0
I agree with Daniel. Temp work is great because you don't have to commit. :D You learn new skills, meet new people - could be fun.
 

rebecca8

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
69
Points
6
Thank you for your replies. It's nice to hear from non-judgemental people. I don't mean to tell my sob stories, but it's getting out of hand. I'm pretty confused. Another friend called me today to ask about my new job. I told him I quit already. I'm not sure of the underlying reason why I quit jobs. All I can think of why I didn't like this one was because I would've been working with 3 men. (i thought i'd be ok with this when i was hired) One of them I'd be alone with at the end of the day for 2 hours, and even on my first day he was already hitting on me. I told my friend who called today about this, and he said it's because I'm too nice and friendly, and men take that the wrong way. (how am I supposed to act?) He also said that I care too much about what people think, and I'm too scared to say NO. It's true, I say 'no' sometimes, but then I make someone feel bad, and I go back to telling everyone 'yes.' OR, I run away. At my old job, I was comfortable in my environment, so somehow had more confidence to say NO more often.
Now, I'm starting over, and I think as I get older, this nervousness or shyness or whatever is getting worse, and becoming debilitating. I don't know how to overcome this. Obviously, there's no money for meds or therapy work. I was wondering if I could just be better prepared for situations in which I have to respond yes or no. Usually, I'm caught off guard or feel pressured, and blurt out yes. I wish I could think of a concise answer that won't offend anyone, or cause tension for me. My friend told me that I don't have to be mean, but I need to talk in such a way so that people will respect my response.
I wouldn't be freaking out about this so much if I didn't have to face my mother. She is going to start drinking when she gets home, and I think I'll have to leave the house tonight so I won't have to listen to her.
Well, thanks to everyone for caring. It really does help to know someone is listening.
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
Usually, I'm caught off guard or feel pressured, and blurt out yes.
can you say to them, "can i get back to you on that?". this would buy you time to think whether you really want to do the requested thing or not, and if the answer is no, work out a polite but firm no.

My friend told me that I don't have to be mean, but I need to talk in such a way so that people will respect my response.
yes, it's assertiveness you need to learn, and that can be very difficult for those of us who tend to be people pleasers. being assertive means stating the facts in a firm but respectful way. maybe there is some kind of assertiveness training you could attend? not sure if you'd be able to find a free program or something that would be affordable, but you won't know unless you try.

good luck with tonight. it sounds like a tough situation you have at home.
 

moonriver

Member
Joined
Aug 25, 2007
Messages
112
Points
16
I feel so bad for you Rebecca because I am very shy too and I have gone through the same thing and experiences as you. I have started to see some progress but I am in my thirties now and it has taken time. I know how difficult and uncomfortable it can be when you are truly afraid to speak your mind and you do what everyone else wants just to avoid the conflict or to please them. After awhile it feels like you dont even know what you want any more because you spend so much time pleasing everyone else that you dont have a clue.

I think you are being way to hard on yourself. 25 is young, so what if you quit a job that you didnt like. You will find another job, a better job eventully and you will be glad you made the move. I wish I had the guts to leave a job I dont like instead of staying and being miserable. If you look at it from that perspective you are actually quite courageous. Now you can take some time and figure out what you really want to do. Its pretty obvious from your posts that you are a smart cookie.

I recently transfered from a legal job to a human resources job. I can tell you that lots of companies want to hire smart people like yourself and train them. It isnt even about the skills so much sometime, just someone bright and young and wiling to learn such as yourself.

I know it is so hard to when you have to deal with an overbearing and negative parent. They mean well but the damage that they can inflict,making you feel guilty and worthless, perhaps meaning to be helpful but it isnt ever really helpful. My parents even to this day remind me that I am stupid but I dont buy into it anymore, it can make you very depressed though and you feel like everything they think about you is true.

I hope you feel better, its tough being shy and anxious.....I totally feel for your situation.:dimples:

Gosh sorry about the double posting.....its been a long day, hopefully someone can fix it:hissyfit:
 
Last edited by a moderator:

rebecca8

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
69
Points
6
Well, I feel a little better today. I checked out some books from the library yesterday on how to be assertive. And I also did some computer work for a friend of a friend, so at least I was earning a little money and keeping busy today. The man who I'm working for for a few days is so generous, and his employees are nice. Too bad he's not hiring for a perm position. Anyway, being somewhere else today gave me a better perspective on why I did not like the job I just quit.
Thanks guys for relating to me. And you're right, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It doesn't do me any good.
Oh, moonriver, what did you do in your legal job? I'm curious because I once thought of going to school to earn a degree in paralegal studies.
Thanks again for the kind words.
 

moonriver

Member
Joined
Aug 25, 2007
Messages
112
Points
16
Glad you feel better today Rebecca :)

I was doing some work as a legal assistant. I would prepare legal documents, including briefs and prepare documents for the lawyers. I also filed court documents. I did a lot of research for the lawyers which was cool, and a lot of the work for the lawyers and looked up case law for them. It was interesting. I also looked after the law library. This was just some of it, I was doing so much employment law stuff that a client asked me to work for their human resources department in labour relations which is interesting work too. I thought it would be fun to try a change, which is funny for me because I am usually scared to try anything different. It?s a challenge to do things that involve the public but the funny thing is, the more interesting and involved with my work I got, I forgot about my shyness at times. You might really enjoy something like that Rebecca, plus as I said I can tell you pick up things quickly so someone like you would excel in something like that. It doesn?t pay what a lawyer makes but it doesn?t have the hassle either.

The people in my office are actually quite nice now that I am finding the nerve to speak to them :dimples: One of my coworkers is amazing, so diplomatic and good at speaking up for himself with the union and getting his way too. I have been asking him for tips on being able to stand up for myself and not being a doormat. He said that alot of it comes down to exactly what was said in one of the posts above, not committing on the spot to things, that way you have time to think if it is something you really want. He said being prepared and having good questions is important if you are going into a situation where there will be confrontation. And having faith in yourself is the most important thing he tells me, of that I am truly trying.

I am learning alot lately, and I have so much more to learn, but there is time to do it all. You have time lots of time to figure it all out Rebecca, you know a job and having kids or being married by a certain age is just everyone elses expectations, you have to do whats right for you and you sound like you definitely have a mind of your own. You will figure it out, I am sure of it.
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
The theme of quitting jobs is on the forefront of my consciousness right now, being as I just quit one.

I am quite like you in some ways. I find it very hard to be assertive in reasonable ways that others I know are able to accomplish seemingly without even thinking about it. So I clam up on the job, and eventually either I become too scared to continue, or I wind up exploding. Either way I lose the job. If I'm too scared, I just quit. And if I explode, they fire me.

I think it was good that you went to the library to check out some books on assertive behavior. Thank you for the idea, in fact. I believe I will do the same thing myself.

You wrote: "My mother is so ashamed of me she makes up success stories about me to tell her friends." You are not alone. My dad used to do the same thing. Consider the source: perhaps your mother's standards for you are a little too high? Just a thought. I know, from my own experience, that my dad was never satisfied with my performance. If I got a single B on a report card, he frowned.

I thought you little eye-roll after saying how you would never commit suicide because you're too much of a people-pleaser was funny. You are obviously very intelligent, and you have a very advanced sense of humour.
 

rebecca8

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
69
Points
6
Thanks for the info, moonriver, about your job. I have a passion for justice, do you? When I'm feeling brave I try my best to stick up for other people and especially animals. That's where my shyness gets in the way, but like you said, sometimes, you get so involved that you forget about being shy.

Oooo, goody, share more tips from your co-worker. I tried the one Into the Light offered about telling someone I'll get back them. I've also been telling myself that no one is focusing so much of their attention onto me, they have their own worries. I guess that self-consciousness comes from being criticized so much at home. Oh, and thanks for what you said about me, and I'm really happy that you are enjoying your job and co-workers. I know what a great feeling that can be, and hope to find it again soon.

Stargazer, I know what you mean about trying to be assertive in reasonable ways. As for quitting, I wonder if it might be because we become overwhelmed and don't know how to cope (we never learned how from our parents.) One time my supervisor was yelling at me because I was 2 min. late on a holiday I was originally off, but came in to help out. I got so flustered that I walked out on the job. Luckily, with that place, they let me come back, and my supervisor apologized. Another person would have probably asked him if he wanted to have a meeting with HR or something. I have that habit where I think of the right thing to say AFTER the fact. It's so annoying. Hmm, I just thought of something maybe someone can elaborate on. I don't know if habit is the right word to use. Are these behaviors like habits that can be broken/replaced? I once read that it takes about 30 days to develop a good habit. Is that true?

Well, stargazer, thank you for the compliment on my sense of humor. That makes me feel really good because usually people don't get it. Um, out of curiousity, are you interested in astronomy? I'm guessing from your name. I also checked out some Stephen Hawking books. I'm fascinated. Have you ever read anything from him? You seem intelligent too, I'm sure you'd understand him.

Well, I have to say, I've been coming to this site for a few months now, the people are so nice, and helpful. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't feel so alone anymore.
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
I guess that self-consciousness comes from being criticized so much at home.

I think that's a lot of it. Also, one's natural temperament probably comes into play. Some people are more confident and assertive by nature, from Day One. Sometimes, the oldest sibling is like that: my older sister, for example.

Stargazer, I know what you mean about trying to be assertive in reasonable ways. As for quitting, I wonder if it might be because we become overwhelmed and don't know how to cope (we never learned how from our parents.)

My dad was a career U. S. Navy man -- an electrician and radio operator for the Navy, actually -- and his job basically consisted of showing up every morning and doing something that was in his field of expertise, and that nobody else around him knew enough about to question. He was kind of like a guru. It got to be easy for him, I didn't get the feeling he was overly challenged, or in need of two many coping skills.

But again, I think this is only half of it. Everyone is endowed by nature with a unique temperament, and the things that don't work about our natural dispositions are extremely difficult to overcome.

One time my supervisor was yelling at me because I was 2 min. late on a holiday I was originally off, but came in to help out. I got so flustered that I walked out on the job. Luckily, with that place, they let me come back, and my supervisor apologized.

I've done that same exact thing. I think that the supervisor and other co-workers take our personalities into consideration after the fact, and when we show up in a remorseful spirit, they are often willing to take us back -- especially if the position has not yet been filled.

Another person would have probably asked him if he wanted to have a meeting with HR or something. I have that habit where I think of the right thing to say AFTER the fact. It's so annoying.

I know what you mean. Somehow, it's easier to think of what you ought to have done when you're not under the immediate pressure to come up with the right thing. Maybe this is all the more reason why we need to pause and take a breath before we act when confronted with a difficult situation.

I just thought of something maybe someone can elaborate on. I don't know if habit is the right word to use. Are these behaviors like habits that can be broken/replaced? I once read that it takes about 30 days to develop a good habit. Is that true?

I think that to identify the habit-pattern is the first step. Awareness is always the first step, I believe. A lot of these habits are so deeply engrained in our behavioral patterns that we have become unconscious of them. Sometimes it takes a crisis situation to bring them back into our consciousness. Once that happens, we are able to work with them, adjust them, deal with them, face them, and hopefully change them for the better.

Someone told me it was "three weeks" to change a habit, but I would think it must vary according to the severity of the habit, the willingness of the individual, and so forth.

Well, stargazer, thank you for the compliment on my sense of humor. That makes me feel really good because usually people don't get it.

It was subtle enough that someone might not have gotten it. I notice these things sometimes, because my sense of humor is often a little too subtle for others to catch right off the bat. Every now and then, however, someone comes along who is right on my wavelength, and gets the humor right away, and I get theirs.

In fact, my daughter is very much like that. But then again, she probably got it from me.

Um, out of curiousity, are you interested in astronomy? I'm guessing from your name. I also checked out some Stephen Hawking books. I'm fascinated. Have you ever read anything from him? You seem intelligent too, I'm sure you'd understand him.

You know, I've never gotten into astronomy, but funny you should mention it. My dad was in the astronomy club, and my sister is very much into it. My brother hangs out with people like Hawkings all the time, as he is a Cal Tech graduate with a PhD in Computer Science Electrical Engineering and a sometime Math research professor at U. C. Berkeley. I'm very proud of him.

But I did not gravitate toward the scientific arm of the family. I chose "Stargazer" because I tend to be an idealistic visionary, and I often find myself gazing off into the stars, literally or figuratively.

It's that very idealism, however, that gets in the way of my holding down a mundane job for very long. My head, I will admit, is in the clouds. And sometimes, I think that's where it belongs. Oh, well. :dance:
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
I've also been telling myself that no one is focusing so much of their attention onto me, they have their own worries.
way to go rebecca! you're dead on with that thought! :goodjob:

I just thought of something maybe someone can elaborate on. I don't know if habit is the right word to use. Are these behaviors like habits that can be broken/replaced? I once read that it takes about 30 days to develop a good habit. Is that true?
i think these behaviours are default behaviours that we have learned as a result of something in our lives, and they can most definitely be changed. i think as stargazer said, it first takes awareness before we can change things.

here's what i think it takes to change the behaviour:
1. recognize current behaviour/pattern and how it's not working
2. determine what we want to change
3. determine how it could be changed (concrete general steps)
4. practice as situations come up - lots!

Well, I have to say, I've been coming to this site for a few months now, the people are so nice, and helpful. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't feel so alone anymore.

i am so glad you dont feel so alone anymore. that is wonderful. :goodjob:
 

rebecca8

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
69
Points
6
Thanks Into the Light and Stargazer for your encouraging words and support. I was actually a little assertive this morning. I called this guy I'm doing some data entry for to tell him I'd prefer to work tomorrow as it's quite a drive, and they're open longer tomorrow. I was a little scared he'd get mad at me, but he was fine with it. I have to keep reminding myself that if people don't like my decisions, nothing extraordinarily terrible is going to happen.
Stargazer, I think you're right about our unique dispositions that we are simply just born with. I'll have to take that into consideration more.
As for your head being in the clouds, mine's there too. I think waaaay too much. I remember in grade school losing time in a daydream. Then I would come out of it just as if I'd really been asleep. I read somewhere though, if you feel like you're getting too "heady" imagine your feet growing roots and spreading out deep down into the earth. I suppose that's what they mean by 'grounding' yourself.
Well, thanks again to all of you for your support.
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
you did well today rebecca :yahoo: be sure to mark these little victories on the calendar as a reminder and to help to increase your self-confidence :goodjob:
 

moonriver

Member
Joined
Aug 25, 2007
Messages
112
Points
16
Wow Rebecca, you are just doing great, I am really impressed with the way you are making chnges. I was criticized alot at home too, I think thats why I have had similar problems. But its a process to overcoming shyness and social anxiety I think, being assertive is definitely part of it as is not worrying about needing approval...


We will get there :dimples:
 

Latest posts


Top Bottom