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HotthenCold

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Sep 12, 2007
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I'm not sure the most appropriate forum to post this under, but self esteem seems like the greatest common factor among my many mental issues. If I had more time to type I would post under anger management, OCD, co-dependency, and possibly even borderline personality disorder.

I've been depressed all day, even though I should be feeling happy (I just got over the flu). I get down over so many things, and it seems like they are winning more and more of my time and energy. I seriously feel like I've spent most of my life up to this point being insecure, weak, unhappy, lazy, undisciplined, and maybe even really selfish. I'm so sick of feeling defective.

One of the reasons I sound so destitute is because I have managed to fight through a history of being the freak/loser/idiot/slob/embarassment to really feel good sometimes. though this feeling is always overshadowed by the lingering reality that when something goes up it must come down....

I now am more cautious in accepting my good feelings, since it seems better to enjoy them more moderately, so I can keep in mind all the potential causes of a return to unhappiness (i.e., I don't wanna get blinded by bliss).

But on days like today, something will trigger this spiral of negativity and then all the things that I hate about my life all start swirling around in my head and scare the crap out of me. really, I start to see the world as this completely chaotic, uncaring place in which I just can't make it, and all the responsibilty for my unhappiness is on my shoulders and no one really could ever care enough to help me through it all. Like I would just drive anyone and everyone away if they knew how much I'm messed up, like it would just depress them. I hate feeling this way so much. I really don't feel like anyone could help me. One thing that really adds to this hopelessness is the mere existence of it. It feeds off itself and grows. Like one of the only constants in my life has been that i don't like myself (most of the time). It sucks because I'm aware of the self fulfilling prophecy, and so usually people don't end up liking me either.

I'm rambling here, but are there real tools and methods to become a person who has a deep satisfaction of life in their fabric after they've spent so much time in misery? I feel like this is all imprinted at a young age, as well as in our genetics, and this makes real confidence in myself and the world so elusive.

GAHHHH!!!

To sum up, once in a while I see glimpses of "the light" through cracks in this mental prison (melodramatic, I know) that I'm in, and I feel like it's such a damn waste of time to feel like this....
 
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I'm rambling here, but are there real tools and methods to become a person who has a deep satisfaction of life in their fabric after they've spent so much time in misery? I feel like this is all imprinted at a young age, as well as in our genetics, and this makes real confidence in myself and the world so elusive.
GAHHHH!!!
yes there are real tools. the thing is it's hard work, and at times you will feel defeated and like none of it is helpful or working. but despite that keep working at it and you will gradually start to feel better.

To sum up, once in a while I see glimpses of "the light" through cracks in this mental prison (melodramatic, I know) that I'm in, and I feel like it's such a damn waste of time to feel like this....
that's the good news. you're still seeing glimpses and i think that is something very important for you to hang on to.

i too have had similar feelings of doom and gloom for a long time and when i started to come out of it i realized how much time i had lost and also felt it was such a waste of time. the trouble is we can't just turn it off.

there's a lot of bad stuff that happens in the world and it gets to me but at the same time there is so much beauty in life and in our friendships and in people we love and who love us. it's hard when you lose touch with the bright side of life, but i can assure you it is there.
 

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