• Quote of the Day
    "Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
    George Burns, posted by David Baxter

Rumi

Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2005
Messages
5
Points
1
:heart:Hi Guys. Just want everyone to know that I find your varying levels of self-awareness and personal exploration fascinating, and even a bit inspiring at the moment. The human mind/body/spirit/heart really is a unique tool.

At present I am in a predicament. What I am coping with is a terrible and ongoing tragedy which can hardly be explained. My twin brother took his own life awhile ago, a little over 1 year. I was stricken with guilt at the time, and do indeed still have a string of that as a catalyst in many of my actions. I feel that my guilt over not being involved enough in his life, over being away on a quest for my own thriving life and ignorant of the extended health problems he suffered from (which he hid), may be leading me to make some somewhat self-destructive, or just careless decisions in my life. At the same time, how can one go through such a life-altering permanent loss and not change their perspective?

It's not just guilt that pulls my strings. I have always really wanted to do something with my life that benefits other people. It just so happens that my brother dying gave me ample motivation to go to massage therapy school (as much to seek self-healing as to cultivate tools with which to help others do so). I actually don't know if I'd ever had such an aptitude for compassion before this, and perhaps never would have developed it otherwise.

So the desire to do good is inherintly good, as long as one is healthy. But the other factor is that I'm deathly afraid of going through another loss in my life. I never really respected my father in young life, and my twin brother (I am female), was very much a male role model to me. I always looked up to and respected him, and emulated him. Despite the fact that he commit suiciede at the age of 27, he was an exceptionally bright shining star in the entirety of his sojourn with us. In fact his final act was testament of a pure heart and queit struggle.

Within 10 months of this loss I came somewhat abruptly into a new romantic relationship. Somehow when one's key male role-model dies, and another man comes into the picture, it is impossible for him not to somehow wear that hat (at least on a psychic level). Looking back it seems a bit soon for this relationship, but I admit that I consciously wanted to have someone close to me to be a part of this part of my life, wherein I am sort of being born again, or re-awakening to myself on a deeper level. The person I'm involved with actually has a health issue similar to that of my brothers'; something which didn't kill him, but which caused him constant internal torment while he was alive. It is similar with my boyfriend. As someone who is a trained healer with a bit of a marter chip on my shoulder, I fully want to aid my loved one in overcoming his health issue through holistic means. Like many relationships, this one is not always easy. In fact sometimes it is unusually, fascinatingly, impossibly difficult. I know it's not my responsibility to fix this person, but I feel that if we can stay together for long enough to aid my lover's emotional and physical health, this relationship could be every bit of wholesome that we both see the possibility of.

Then, there's the issue that I am still injured and licking my own wounds. Some would say that I need someone to give to me what I am trying to give to this important person in my life. Have I put myself into a dangerous and/or impossible situation? Am I just a head case that wants to re-incarnate my brother and fix what I couldn't while he was alive? At times I marvel that I've kept more than a shred of sanity in this circumstance, meaning the death of a twin. I would like some feedback as to whether or not this seems to an objective party to be a nut-house party.

Thank you for reading and for any and all comments.
 

David Baxter

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Mar 26, 2004
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Re: Introducing: me.

Welcome back to Psychlinks, Rumi.

That's a lot to try to deal with in a year. I'm overtired at the moment and i can't do justice to a reply but I'll try to get back to this thread when I'm more alert. In the meantime, perhaps it will help to have a look through some of the posts in the Grief section here, or the articles and reviews (scroll down the main index page to find those).
 

Rumi

Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2005
Messages
5
Points
1
Re: Introducing: me.

Thank you for the reference to the greif section David. I specifically related to the posting regarding Complicated Greif. I meet at least a few of those criteria, mainly that I was extremely close to the person who died, that it was sudden, that I was unaware of the risk of death for this person. I pretty much fit the mould for this. Childhoods in my family tended to be on the violent or volatile side, which means that as siblings we really clung to eachother and created our own world of comfort and fantasy to make up for what wasnt given by parents.

Of the symptoms that were listed, these four are most substantial:

* Withdrawing from social activities
* Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
* Irritability or agitation
* Lack of trust in others

I try to cope with a certain emptiness in purpose by cultivating positive, usefull things that would have helped my brother, who had ulcerative colitis and was done wrong by the western medical feild.

As for the irritibility and agitation factor, I don't know what to do about it. It has really gotten out of controll. The other day I kicked 2 holes in my sisters' wall as I was yelling at my boyfriend on the phone to listen to me. I've never seen myself or imagined myself like this. I've always been the patient, kind, soft-spoken one who waits and replies with some level of understanding or empathy. It seems like the floodgates for my temper have been opened, and that the flood isn't going to ease up without some great effort. Unfortunately, due to the loss of my twin brother Mark, it sometimes seems like I am justified in my anger. It sometimes seems like anyone else who gets to breath, laugh, cry, or speak as a living person isn't deserving of the priviledge and that my brother should be here instead. When I get into a social situation I am specifically conscious of this, feel guilty for taking part in petty social meanderings, and find no substance in the conversation which might be taking place, say, at a party. Perhaps this stems from pre-occupation with the issue.

I've seen one psychiatrist since the death, and did not relate with her at all. It's also a huge expense I can't afford. I really need to get a handle on myself.
 

David Baxter

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Re: Introducing: me.

Are there any grief support groups in your area, Rumi? Some people find these very helpful.
 

Retired

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Joined
Aug 17, 2005
Messages
8,966
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Rumi,

I am very sorry to hear about your loss, in particular as a result of a suicide.

When a suicide occurs, the event profoundly affects everyone who was close to the person, and as David has alluded to, it would be to your benefit to seek out a support group for survivors of a suicide.

Have a look at this Psychlinks resource thread as well as the entire section devoted to discussions on suicide for additional thoughts.

Do you have access to a mental health counselor or therapist who may be able to point you in the right direction for a support resource in your community?
 

Rosa

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Joined
Feb 11, 2006
Messages
414
Points
16
HI Rumi
Just wanted to add that I too, am very sorry for your loss. Welcome to the boards-they've been very helpful to me and I hope you find help here as well.
As always
Rosa
 

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