Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues'?

[moonriver]

HI Guys

I have to confess I have been on this forum alot the last two days when I should be studying , however, it's nice to catch up with everyone and I feel like I am doing pretty good these days.

I have been in therapy for awhile for social anxiety and I also have some OCD symptoms plus ADD and dyslexia. My main issues have really been my shyness though because for some reason that is the thing that has impacted my life the most. I havent had much of one because of it.

But I have worked so hard and done so many new things and my life is so much better, so much so that with a little bit of a social circle now I have been asked out on a date recently. I said I would go and I know I am getting way ahead of myself but I feel really nervous.

I guess my question is this, is it stupid of me to even think of dating with all my mental health issues? Is it unfair of me to expect someone else to deal with them at some point? DO I ever have to reveal some of them, obviously some will be more evident? Should I wait until I am done my treatment, would it be risking my progress if I went ahead and started dating someone? Typically dating is a huge issue for me, I have so much anxiety that I cant function I get so nervous....

What do you think, would it be selfish of me to even think of this or ruin the progress I might be making?

 

[lallieth]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

Moonriver


If you are asking this question,then it's obvious you are thinking about it and perhaps ready to take the next step. I would think that you are making great progress if you are ready to meet new people.

How much you tell another person is totally up to you.If you feel you can trust someone enough to talk about the mental illness,then it's up to you how much you want to tell them.

Why would you ever think that it's stupid to date,even with a mental illness?..You have a right to a good life and you are NOT your diagnosis...Give yourself alot more credit for what you have gone through and the amazing progress you have made and will continue to make

Go out on the date and enjoy yourself,you deserve it

 

[moonriver]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

Gosh, thank you so much for that, that is just what I needed to hear:heart:

With all these labels I have started to feel kind of bad about myself. I think I have worked really hard and I feel ok but my therapist kind of hinted I should leave dating on the shelf for now because I might not be ready for it because I should get some of my other issues under control. But I am tired of putting my life on hold, I have done that my entire life.. It kind of depresses me thinking that maybe the therapist does have a point and that I should work on my obsessive thoughts some more first but honestly if I had more of a social life I doubt the obsessive thoughts would be such a problem. Dont get me wrong, I am very shy in therapy so I dont always explain myself well so he might not understand what I am trying to convey but he is the expert.e

 

[lallieth]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

Gosh, thank you so much for that, that is just what I needed to hear:heart:

With all these labels I have started to feel kind of bad about myself.

You AREN'T a label,Moon..you are a human being with wants and needs,don't feel bad about yourself...We all have to remember that we are more than just a diagnosis,a label and that mental illness of any kind DOES NOT define who we are as human beings..nor should it.We all want to live our lives as best as we can,and with therapy and medication we are able to do that.

But I am tired of putting my life on hold, I have done that my entire life

This is a very valid point.If you feel you are ready for this step,then what is the worst that could happen should you go on this date? You may have a fantastic time,and we all deserve fun in our lives... Yes,perhaps you will be nervous,even people without anxiety get nervous when they meet new people,it's a normal reaction,just put on your best smile and breathe through it

It kind of depresses me thinking that maybe the therapist does have a point and that I should work on my obsessive thoughts some more first but honestly if I had more of a social life I doubt the obsessive thoughts would be such a problem.

This is also a valid point.Interacting with other's and going out for a good time is healthy and keeps you busy.It doesn't mean that you aren't going to be dealing with your issues,it just means you can put them down now and again for some fun and "me" time"

It's important to take care of yourself as a whole person,and not just the mental illness,as it leads to self esteem and happiness.

Do you see your therapist before your date? if so,express how you feel about the situation,perhaps he is basing his opinion on what he's NOT hearing from you

 

[moonriver]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

Thank you so much lalieth you have no idea how helpful your reply was and such a good reminder of many things. I have started seeing myself as my diagnosis I just didn't realize how much until you put it in writing. I am going to try and change the way I think about that, we are all more than that, gosh I also have some physical health problems although nothing serious, and it never occurs to me to think of myself or limit my options because of them.

Thank you again though, truly, I feel better already and I will go and I will handle the anxiety the same way I have handled my other anixety, by facing the things I am afraid of one small step at a time.:dance:

 

[Halo]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

Moonriver,

I can tell you that I was in your exact same situation late last Fall and wondering whether I was ready to start dating even with so many things that I still needed to deal with in therapy. I struggled with this decision for a while but what I realized were a few things. First...take it one date at a time. Don't project into the future of what ifs or maybe this or maybe that...just one date at a time and over time you will be able to figure out your feelings and whether this is something that you want to continue or not. You don't need to have it all figured out perfectly before you begin to date. If people waited until they had "no issues" to date then there would be a lot more single people out there...still waiting.

Also, from my experience dating last fall for which I was extremely anxious about, by going for it and trying a new experience, it actually helped me in therapy to build confidence in myself as well as work through a tough issue which I had been struggling with. I didn't realize that by dating it could actually help me and although the relationship didn't work out, it was a learning experience and we all need those to know what we want and don't want in future relationships.

I say go for it and take it slow, reveal what you are comfortable with, be yourself and evaluate how you feel after the date but most importantly.....Have Fun!!!

 

[lallieth]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

Thank you so much lalieth you have no idea how helpful your reply was and such a good reminder of many things. I have started seeing myself as my diagnosis I just didn't realize how much until you put it in writing

We are all guilty Moon of seeing ourselves as a diagnosis,it's so much part of our daily lives,that we have a hard time separating the two,but it has to be done .

Besides,when you introduce yourself to someone,you don't say "hi I am panic disorder or OCD" do you? Of course not,you introduce yourself as a person,so why would you consider yourself anything but?

Thank you again though, truly, I feel better already and I will go and I will handle the anxiety the same way I have handled my other anixety, by facing the things I am afraid of one small step at a time.:dance:

BRAVO!!!!!!!!

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”Robert Fritz

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Is it wrong to date when you have 'Issues?"

If everyone who has issues waited until all their issues were resolved, there would be almost nobody dating.

 

[moonriver]

Thank you for taking the time to reply Dr Baxter and you too Halo and Lalleith.

I really appreciate your encouragement.

Soemtimes its easy to forget all that one can accomplish with the right support and mind set, you guys always remind me of that and I am so grateful.

I was told in my life that I would never go to university and I would never graduate because of my add and dyslexia and I accomplished both those things. I never even learned to write properly and I mix up words, but I can print and I still graduated. I have a good job too and no one ever saw that for me either. I am really tired of acting like I can't accomplish things and feeling stupid, but I am the one sending the message this time

Thanks again for the encouragement.

 

[ladylore]

Well you most definitely are not stupid Moonriver and even you said that you graduated which is accomplishing something.

David is right - if we all waited until we resolved all of our issues no one would ever get together. What a great reminder.

 

[lallieth]

Thank you for taking the time to reply Dr Baxter and you too Halo and Lalleith.

I really appreciate your encouragement.

Soemtimes its easy to forget all that one can accomplish with the right support and mind set, you guys always remind me of that and I am so grateful.

I was told in my life that I would never go to university and I would never graduate because of my add and dyslexia and I accomplished both those things. I never even learned to write properly and I mix up words, but I can print and I still graduated. I have a good job too and no one ever saw that for me either. I am really tired of acting like I can't accomplish things and feeling stupid, but I am the one sending the message this time

Thanks again for the encouragement.

You rock Moon!

I had dyslexia when I was a child and it was caught by my grade one teacher.She and a few other great teachers(special ed) worked with me at lunch and after school and helped me to turn it around.I saw everything backwards,letters & numbers.To this day I still sometimes mix up words.



Did you know that Albert Einstein,had dyslexia as well as many other famous people? Goes to show what a person can accomplish with determination