It’s Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I don’t think I have the energy to explain. It sums up to feeling more depressed than usual. It’s frustrating whenever you talk to someone about adulting and said person gets so hostile.

And then my friend freaked out on me (in FB Messenger) after I had asked what I had thought was a reasonable question in a Pug Group on Facebook. I have a Boston Terrier but my friend said it was okay to join the Pug Group because my Boston Terrier/Frenchie cross is Medium Pug size. He has a blast when he’s hanging out with all his buddies. There was a poll put up on the group wall and I asked if another question could be added to the poll.

Well, she seemed to assume I knew there was drama all week going on (in a Pug Group!?!) and when I said I didn’t she practically asked me if I was stupid/blind.

She said started off the conversation with this:



Apparently she just has a potty mouth/fingers when texting.

I told her how I felt triggered because, as I mentioned, my David has already gotten pissed at me for asking what I feel are reasonable questions. My tone is even and calm, I think. He just doesn’t like to deal with adulting because he’s been through enough crap for several people. Especially finances. But it’s imperative that we DO work on our finances. He needs to work on not being so defensive and hostile just because he is the one who needs to get more work. He has so many options, not just getting more students.

I rarely have arguments with either my husband or my friend. And it was messages, not talking on the phone/in person, so there was no tone except the one inside my head. Which wasn’t a very nice tone.

I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. My husband apologized and said he didn’t mean the things he’d said, and that he just lost it on me trying to accuse me of blaming him for the lack of our funds.

He’s playing World of Warcraft again and he’s getting carried away again. I was very happy today that he spent some time with me outside. He still feels guilty, but there have been a few times in the last few months where he was unnecessarily angry or accusing of me of... I don’t know what...

It was very triggering. Somehow everything was my fault... Even though I wasn’t implying that “everything” was HIS fault. Even though it feels like I drained out all my veins for the amount of time he was sick. It would be nice if he could do the same for me.

I’m so tired of being the “Responsible One.” I want to be taken care of. Obviously David isn’t ready to help anyone, and barely interested in helping himself.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m not trying to push him into doing something before he’s ready. If I don’t say anything then I’m letting myself down. If I say something to encourage or ask him if he can do something, he flips like a switch from 0 to Broil...

Thanks for listening. Let me hear some encouraging words, maybe a wee pep talk. Or maybe post cute photos. lol

 

[gooblax]

Both of those situations with your friend and husband sound really stressful.
It definitely seems like the one with your friend came out of nowhere for you since it was based on FB stuff that you had no idea about.

I'm not great with talking about relationship stuff but I can certainly post a link to some cute dog gifs.

 

[Daniel E.]

Obviously David isn’t ready to help anyone, and barely interested in helping himself.

What has he been like in the past? e.g. Before he met you: Did he have a history of living off of other people or often borrowing money? Has he ever been almost homeless?

Has he ever been on disability insurance for depression/anxiety/etc?

How many hours a week is he working now? How does that compare to a couple/few years ago?

 

[Daniel E.]

Is he interested in or getting psychiatric care?

Would you be better off financially on your own? (Personally, that would build resentment in me real quick, especially since the underlying issues -- like addiction -- are often more than financial.)

 

[Daniel E.]

If his income was not the issue (e.g. he got a big check every month), what other issues exist that cause resentment? Is he apathetic about things in general? Or just things that are not game related?

He’s playing World of Warcraft again and he’s getting carried away again. I was very happy today that he spent some time with me outside.

Have you considered giving him an ultimatum -- it's me or the Xbox (or whatever it is)?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Is he interested in or getting psychiatric care?

Or going to couples counseling?

 

[Daniel E.]

Sometimes a single session of couples therapy can be helpful/affordable.

Some of the blog posts at Psychology Today:

Marriage Problems? Here's an 8-Step Rescue Plan

Couples Therapy: 15 Essentials That the Best Therapists Do

A Giver and a Taker

 

[Daniel E.]

Three Reasons to Leave: Abuse, Addiction, and Affairs

Researchers have long reported that financial problems are the top area of conflict for most couples, and that communication is the second most-cited reason for marital discord. While that may be true, these problems pale in comparison to the severe and devastating consequences resulting from abuse, addiction, and affairs...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

...I can certainly post a link to some cute dog gifs.

Oh yay! Thank you gooblax! You’re a gem! [emoji38][emoji3590][emoji2][emoji106]




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[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

What has he been like in the past? Before he met you: Did he have a history of living off of other people or often borrowing money?
- His father had passed away a couple of years before we met online. He was living with his mom at the time but he had his own business. He sold basketball, baseball, football cards and memorabilia. Also he had a settlement from a company he worked for because when he was laying pipe/conduit dirt fell on him and it damaged his back. He had 2
laminectomies before I met him. The money from the settlement allowed him to buy a hot tub to help his back. I thought he was comfortable with money & was just staying with his mom due to health issues and helping his mom at the time.

Has he ever been almost homeless?
Yes. Before he met me, while his dad was still alive, his “Friends” had an idea that if the 3 (it might’ve been 4) of them went to (can’t remember which state) they could get work, etc. But they ended up using him for his money, and one of them even stole his really nice long coat. His dad had to come and get him. He’s also tried to get into business with a neighbour who was selling swimming pools, but the neighbour ended up stiffing him for money.

As a couple we ran into the unfortunate scenario of leasing a van and coming up to Canada to live. Turns out you can only bring a vehicle across the border if you outright own it. So we had to drive it back to the US within, I think they gave us 3 months.

When we were going back to the US, I was certain we were instructed to go back to the Canadian entrance once more just to let them know & see the vehicle. But we were a bit rattled because when we explained what we had to do to the US customs, they freaked out and got a dog to inspect our vehicle for drugs. lol lol Wouldn’t even let us go pee until they’d searched the van.

I just thought David/I had a string of bad luck mixed in with some bad choices. But you’re allowed to make mistakes in your life, especially in your teens-to-20’s... Right? lol


Has he ever been on disability insurance for depression/anxiety/etc?

He was on disability, in the form of the settlement from his back injury. But then apparently he blew a bunch of it by purchasing me a diamond ring. It was valued at $9000 USD. But when we got it appraised more recently, we were told the person who sold it either didn’t know what the hell he was talking about or intentionally mislead David. It’s a big and shiny ring. But it was appraised in Canada as $3000 CAD.


How many hours a week is he working now? He used to work as much as maybe 20 hours per week. But since all the health problems he has had 3 students... And gotten 1 more after our “Divorce Talk.” And he says he thinks I’m pressuring him.

How does that compare to a couple/few years ago?

Let’s say before there were major issues with his health, or in between his life-threatening or extremely painful health issues: he was up to, I think it was, 15 students. That was way too many. We figured out more recently that we could survive on 8 or 9 students, although 10 would even provide a bit of a financial cushion.

His father was very physically ill, as well as emotionally, and was an alcoholic. Dave Senior had issues with his back to the point where he’d lay on the floor, moaning in pain. He also had a blood disorder, and David (Jr) also had an issue, hence his spleen was removed when he was 12.

To tell you the truth, I came to the conclusion that my David has something really odd going on. I Googled all his symptoms and concluded MAYBE (because one shouldn’t diagnose oneself or loved one on the Internet! lol) he might have Noonan’s syndrome. Noonan’s is an odd syndrome, as it can present in SO many different ways.

David has inherited some sort of degenerative bone issue and blood disorder from his father.

David (I found out only in the last few years) was diagnosed to have ADHD as a child. He’s not currently on medication for ADHD.

He has Valgus Orbitus in his elbows (created really bad tennis/golf elbow for which he had to receive Physio)...

He had cancer and is considered cancer free since Jan 2019 (5 years after surgery/chemo/radiation), but to make sure to remain that way, he’s continuing to take Tamoxifen for 5 more years. Side effects include arthritic-like symptoms in his joints.

He’s had neck surgery for a herniated disc that ruptured.

He’s had his bowel resection and previous to that, several years of diverticulitis bleeds/infections. I guess there was too much going on (or cancer, neck surgery) to be operated on before 2017.

He also had the oddest horrible leg cramps as a child, where his mom had to take him to the ER for help. She worked in a hospital, so she had already tried Tylenol & hydration.

He was so skinny when I met him. His butt had no fat.

He’s got bad hearing, bad eyesight, and my benefits can cover either/both, but he doesn’t seem to (ever) want to take advantage of this and get prescription lenses.

The End (I think!)




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[Daniel E.]

So he has 4 students but needs 8 or 9 to pay the bills?

David (I found out only in the last few years) was diagnosed to have ADHD as a child. He’s not currently on medication for ADHD.

In addition to getting hearing aids and glasses, his best bet may be to consider getting evaluated for any possible current mental health issues, such as depression resulting from chronic pain. If he would do better financially on disability payments from the government, that may be worth considering as well (and may be more likely to get approved for a mental disability than a physical one -- as is often the case in the US.)

 

[Daniel E.]

He used to work as much as maybe 20 hours per week.

I have worked almost that much (16 hours/wk) while on disability (SSDI, which gives more entitlements than SSI). And since I was only making minimum wage basically, the government did not consider my monthly income to be that of "substantial gainful activity" -- which means I could keep everything I made and my disability payments.

While the situation may be very different in Canada, it may help to talk to a disability lawyer if it doesn't cost anything for an initial consult. (Disability lawyers are everywhere in the US and free until backpayments are awarded.)

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW:

Yes depression counts. Anything which prevents you from working counts.

But you will need thorough documentation and you will need to demonstrate that you are following all appropriate medical/psychiatric recommendations to recover.

You are going to need to demonstrate that you are doing and/or have done all you can to get well.

Talk to your family doctor first. See what he can recommend and what he can suggest.

Millions of people take medications and most find one that works for them without side-effects.

How Hard is It to Get ODSP for Severe Depression?

I would recommend that you get advice from Legal Aid and your doctor.

ODSP is a bureaucracy. For reasons that escape me, they seem to deny most claims the first time around, almost as if that's their policy, but many are approved on appeal.

ODSP - Not officially diagnosed, and not sure what to do. - Page 2

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Is he interested in or getting psychiatric care?

Would you be better off financially on your own? (Personally, that would build resentment in me real quick, especially since the underlying issues -- like addiction -- are often more than financial.)

OMG... Resentment is right. But I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I thought perhaps he wasn’t well mentally, so how could I tell him what I needed him to do? I wasn’t sure if I was being fair.

It got to the point that he is getting MUCH easier to talk to.

Also I had a bit of an epiphany today.

He told me that because I have the degree, that I should make the money and he’s work part time and look after the dog and house, etc.

Somehow, in my lack of brain while on the ADHD meds, perhaps, I think I missed something.

I asked him if he thought since I was the main breadwinner that he thought I somehow should be the one with all the financial responsibilities and pressure. I said to him, it’s not a problem to work part
time and look after the house, but you still have to help enough financially so that it’s actually equal.
I told him the way things are going right now, I feel taken for granted. I said if I was in charge of making all the money and that money had to pay bills, it wouldn’t be “our” money. I said his money and my money would be in separate bank accounts. He’d have his, I’d have mine. However I am doing all I can and it’s not enough. I could be working as a teacher with my degree and probably making a lot less & having less benefits if I was teaching Arts Education instead of where I work now as technical support.

I also pointed out, look, I’m off work right now because I can’t go back until this whole thing is straightened out, or at least on the right path. I feel that if I go back to work too soon without the entirety of the many steps we need to take, well everything is just going to slide back into the Gong Show again.

And even though I’m off work, I still get paid 75 percent of what I normally make. I pointed out that even though I’m not working, I’m still getting paid plenty of money.

We also got a good tax return because David was listed again as my dependent.

I’m going to make him understand if I have to repeat myself daily. Which I’m trying not to do. I asked him why doesn’t he feel self-motivated to take care of the finances with me? How does that show me he’s mentally well????

So tomorrow, one of the major steps we have to make is to open a new bank account. Our legislated financial counselor advised us it would be a good idea to remove our income from our current one in case the creditors come after us. So that’s what we’re going to do tomorrow.

I know that all the credit is ruined under MY name (2 credit cards & a personal line of credit), but we both made this happen, so even though the law says it’s all on me, he seems to understand that I’m not the only one who needs to step up.

I’m worried his brain is gonna somehow twist that into it all being on me.

I did remind him that if we are divorced, the debt is gonna be halved. I haven’t said anything about the possibility that since he wasn’t making enough money that there is a tiny possibility that he’d be given more of a load.

I’m sorry, I’m really overwhelmed by what’s going on and by all these questions.

I am pretty sure there still IS something wrong. At least I hope there is. Because otherwise I should be mad as hell at him. This is all the more frustrating when he won’t get help. And he projects at me frequently where he’s talking to ME like I should be doing something more.

I said I’m seeing a psychiatrist, a
psychologist, and an ADHD coach. How is that not helping myself? Not to mention all the CBT I’ve had in the span of about 15 years.

I asked him too, because he seemed to think somehow that it’s my mentally unwell perception that’s a problem. lol Like I don’t have a REASON to be alarmed/concerned, and there’s no reason to encourage/push him to do anything. WTF, I am worried he’s got this fantasy that the tax return is going to keep us afloat forever, somehow. I don’t know how long it’s going to last if I’m making as much money as I possibly can and still we’re consistently spending $200 or more than we’re making with his contributions.

It was like trying to hit him over the head with a heavy object, but his thick skull won’t let any reality get through. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. lol

Anyway, I think... I hope... He finally knows what he needs to do. If not, I’ll sure as hell remind him. I feel like I’m trying to build a sand sculpture in the rain.

Now I know I am partially responsible for “over-caring” for him. But if he’s as well as he claims, I pointed out that I’ve been holding back, and I need to push him harder then. Even though that’s not supposed to be my job.

I really really hope what we discussed has finally sunk in.

If he’s not mentally ill, then is he really just a lazy ******* who thinks I should be his money slave!?! lol Only reason I still haven’t kicked him to the curb is because I’m pretty sure he IS depressed. And I have a feeling it’s his normal. For him, his normal is being depressed. So that’s why he thinks nothing is wrong with him. lol

*pulling out my hair*

He’s supposed to go to Physio as well, but apparently he feels he can’t do that at the same time that he’s working on finances. This is another thing that is infuriating. He’s doing everything sooo slowly, and I feel I have no choice but to give him a poke with a stick once in a while, so that I don’t real his fragile ego/fantasy that somehow everything will be okay... Or whatever’s going on on that head of his.

I was thinking of going to different psychologist because my current one doesn’t have a lot of availability. So maybe I’ll get a marriage counselor and have David come with me. I’m pretty much planning to tell him that if he loves me he’ll come. He said he would listen to me when I told him what I needed. I need him to come to a therapist with me.

I’m almost to the point of telling him, look, if you think nothing is wrong with you, then I’m not going to see any therapists either. I’m going to ask to get weaned of my anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. I don’t know if that strategy will work, but it worked when I told him I wouldn’t set up an appointment with my therapist until he set one up with his...

My point is that he apparently cares for me more than he cares about himself. I don’t know what else to do. After thinking about it, I realize I am pretty much turning my anger inward all over again, and I intend to do it.
I don’t make idle threats. I mean to keep a promise.

Who am I kidding?! I’m heckin’ lost. lol


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[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Or going to couples counseling?

Well, we’re going to find out. I seriously want to set a fire under his butt. Or give it a few good kicks. *sigh*

When do I push him and when do I hold back?!!


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[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Oh man, I went and made an epic novel, there. Heckin’ shootin’ and other family-friendly “swearing.”


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[Daniel E.]

He told me that because I have the degree, that I should make the money and he work part time and look after the dog and house, etc.

Maybe he needs to feel more consequences, as in there is less money for things he thinks he needs.

It obviously would not be wrong for you to save for retirement, etc. when possible.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well, we’re going to find out. I seriously want to set a fire under his butt. Or give it a few good kicks. *sigh*

When do I push him and when do I hold back?!!

When you're fed up with holding back.

Also, back to @Daniel's point,

He told me that because I have the degree, that I should make the money and he work part time and look after the dog and house, etc.

Is he in fact doing any of those things? Looking after the house? Cooking? Laundry? Looking after the dog? Taking the dog out for walks? etc., etc.?

 

[Daniel E.]

Since exercise can help with depression, maybe you two can go for more/longer walks, etc. together?

For me, when we were living paycheck to paycheck, the other problem was less "date nights" since I was in survival mode. But even getting an ice cream cone at McDonalds or taking a walk somewhere new can be a way to spend time together and get some novelty.

For depression/anxiety, I find it especially helpful to spend more time in public places or in Nature, both of which provide novelty.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

When you're fed up with holding back.

Also, back to @Daniel's point,



Is he in fact doing any of those things? Looking after the house? Cooking? Laundry? Looking after the dog? Taking the dog out for walks? etc., etc.?

Yes he is! He’s even taken it up a few notches!

He’s actually made plans with a friend to do some work on the house that have needed repairs for years. His friend is the reliable one.


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