I've got to face it

[AmZ]

I've got to face it. I've had this OCD type thing going on now since I was 15 and now I'm 27 and I still have it, stronger than ever before.

I remember reading when I was 15 that you can't have two thoughts at once so I started tapping my fingers on my palms of my hands counting. As soon as I'd get an obsessional thought in my head going around and around, I'd start counting on my hands, screaming in my head 4, 5, 1 = 10, 4, 5, 1 = 10. 10 x 2 = 20. I'd count this way until I got up to 50 or 100. Sometimes when I was under a lot of anxiety, sometimes more.

It's been really bad the last few days and anyway I do it every day without fail, but it's been really strong the last few days. It's driving me insane.

I thought up until now that I had enough to worry about and that I should just ignore and accept the OCD. But now it's gotten out of hand. Pardon the pun. Now I'm counting on my teeth and feet also.

I spoke with my psychologist today and we already made a lot of sense out if it. I brought it up with her two years ago and haven't spoken to her since about it. But I think it's about time for various reasons.

First of all, I do this counting so that it calms me down and I could sit there doing it and nobody would see because I do it so discreetly. On the other hand, I'd still be under a great amount of anxiety whilst doing it but I could keep a straight face and it'd calm me enough so that people literally look at me and think there's nothing going on of wrong with me at all.

When there would be arguments in the family home and I was involved, I'd start doing this as a way of escapism, to detach myself from the anxiety of the situation.

Secondly, when I start counting, I am avoiding a thought or am stopping from saying something. My psychologist said that I've got to stop this avoidant behaviour and start to see and understand what I am trying to black out from my mind.

It was a relief to speak with my psychologist about it. I still have mixed feelings about it though. Maybe I am opening up a big can of worms? Maybe I am making too much of a deal about it? I doing know.

Any advice on what I can do with this problem??

Thanks.

 

[GDPR]

I don't have any advice or anything. Actually what you describe is pretty much what I do too, except I spell words instead of counting.

Don't most people have little quirks like that though? Is it really an issue for you? I mean,if it helps calm you down, isnt that much better than doing something self destructive?

 

[adaptive1]

I dont know what the answer is on this one either. I think if this is impacting you, then you need to address it at some point. For me, the symptoms get worse with the more stress I am under. I think mindfulness mediation helps somewhat and the techniques in Brain Lock book. The more stress I am under then those things stop being useful. It is hard to fix everything at once though. Maybe concentrate on the depression and then the rest will come in time.

 

[MHealthJo]

Similarly I can't say what is the most important thing to address at what point etc Amz.... sounds like this is bothering you right now though, and often those times when something is really bothering us, is when we have that needed boost of motivation to look at it, and do the work.

Also with OCD, it is known that those behaviours actually, overall, increase anxiety rather than reduce it, and tend to feed off themselves.

So any anxiety reduction, or change from unhelpful/counterproductive mechanisms to more useful and successful ones, sounds pretty good to me.... As long as things happen at a pace that is manageable overall... (And I have no idea how those with AvPD can gauge that, because the nature of it is that the whole process of change seems utterly unmanageable to those afflicted!!)

Also, from what I have gathered over time about any sort of avoidant behaviour, but most particularly in the context of AvPD, the things that maladaptively help us avoid something are like "bricks in the wall" - like the Pink Floyd song/movie about psychological defense mechanisms. And it can be like more than one "wall" operating. Walls to separate us from things outside us; and also walls within ourself - between conscious-level stuff, and deeper stuff.

(And of course there is inherent confusion there: How can we tell the difference between an unhelpful "Wall", and a healthy boundary? You will keep learning and learning as you go and those things will become clearer.)

So for an avoidant, it does seem like any brick we can remove from "the walls" - even small ones, just one brick at a time - allows more healthy movement between our self and the outside; and more healthy movement between our top-level conscious stuff going on and the deeper stuff. This is a big part of what allows growth and change to happen in an avoidant.

Here's a cool article I found as I was reading and googling... Some of it is just clinical and jargonny, but it is helpful to understand the vicious cycles between all these things, the reinforcement that you are starting to break out of; and it does have a cool list separating things that are unhelpful from things that create movement towards progress. Since it's so hard to stick to what we know is best, maybe it could be handy in those times when we're drawn towards those things that hold us back, or when we need that kick in the pants to break out of certain cycles.

Overcoming reduced activity and avoidance: a Five Areas approach

(And when we do slip we've got to just forgive ourselves and just keep remembering what TO try and do. )

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for the replies.

Very quickly, me and my psychologist have worked out that as soon I start doing the counting, I am blocking a thought or emotion. I'm trying to take it over by counting. So now it's really important to work on finding out those thoughts and emotions that are deep inside that I am trying to mask over.

It is something that really bothers me and my psychologist said that it is something extremely important that we work on because it could be the big thing that is causing a lack of communication on my part. That we need to talk about these thoughts and feelings.

I listened to Brain Lock (audio book) about a year ago. As it was recommended by someone here. Maybe I'll listen to it again as I can't say that it helped me at all the first time around. I couldn't really relate to it because I don't have a 'classic' OCD thing like washing my hands over and over because of germs. See what I mean? So I couldn't make much use of the book.

Thanks for the link Jo. I'll check it out.

Jo- You're right about the OCD actually making anxiety worse. At least that's what it does to me. I'm shouting in my head to stop counting and battling with myself all the time and it puts me in a lot of(internal) distress.

I must say though. I was sitting with my psychologist and counting like crazy but once I told her and showed her what I was doing, there was a sense of relief and it calmed down quite a bit. Maybe it's just something that I need to stop hiding and talk about it more.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I listened to Brain Lock (audio book) about a year ago. As it was recommended by someone here. Maybe I'll listen to it again as I can't say that it helped me at all the first time around. I couldn't really relate to it because I don't have a 'classic' OCD thing like washing my hands over and over because of germs. See what I mean? So I couldn't make much use of the book.

Counting is classic OCD behavior. And the book deals with different forms of OCD, including Pure "O" OCD.

 

[AmZ]

Ok thanks.

I don't know why my psychiatrist won't call what I have OCD. I asked her what else it is and she said 'anxiety' - she's just proven the point that it's OCD!!

My psychologist hasn't said its OCD either. Maybe I need to talk with her more about it until she'll say it.

Is it something that the ECT can help with? I guess that it can seeing that it works on neurotransmitters that alter depression like SSRIs that are given for both depression and OCD?

 

[SilentNinja]

I think, maybe, everyone has some OCD?
Ive never been diagnosed with it but i have to look out my window 5 times, then one for luck. I have a big list of things i do at night but its a bit to embarresing to list them all. I also have to do things i dont want to sometimes because if i dont do it it means i will die. I also cannot swear.. never! If i swear i will die for sure. So i cant let anger out either because of that. And i have never been diagnosed with OCD.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi AmZ i do believe the your ECT treatment will help and it is good you are talking to your therapist about all of this. It does not matter really what label is given to you really hun what matters is the work the treatment that you are doing to help the symptoms you are encountering. Don't get wrapped up in labels ok work on the symptoms that is something your doctor is focusing on the symptoms so you can get better.

 

[AmZ]

Unfortunately my situation has gotten worse over the last several days.

I don't mean to over-dramatise things, this is the honest truth of how things are.

I've been getting in to states of being basically comatose... It lasts for anywhere from a few hours to most of the day. I'm unable to move, speak and eat. I'm hardly eating. They have to literally feed me Ensure drinks.

Every night I've been like it and I can't snap out if it. It feels like my mind has totally gone and my body (physically) is breaking down on me.

I go to bed feeling like this. I'm terrified to go to sleep like this because I fear I'm going to wake up feeling the same way, not able to do anything but just sit/lay still.

In the whole 2 1/2 years of my breakdown, I have NEVER felt this bad. I am totally in shock that this is happening to me. It doesn't seem real. It seems like a bad dream I'm waiting to wake up from.

I'm very scared and all I can do is cry. Constantly.

Why can't I snap out of this? Why is this happening to me? What can I do to help myself?

I'm constantly trying to communicate but I'm shutting down. Gradually it's getting worse and worse. I can't even nod my head.

I've done five ECTs now but they are doing it on a very low voltage and I think they're going to have to give me a more aggressive treatment because like I say, I've done five ECTs and I'm just getting worse. (Three out of the five treatments weren't successfully unfortunately because I didn't have a seizure - the electricity wasn't strong enough for my body).

Any support and advice is REALLY welcome. I'm seriously terrified, in so much mental and physical pain and quite frankly feel like I'm dying because how I'm feeling.

Thanks very much.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hun your doctor knows what ECT treatment to give please don't question his ability to give you the proper dosage Let the team again do their job observe you and listen to you so they can and will make adjustments to your treatment when needed. You need to really let go of that control hun and trust i know that is so dam hard but trust them
I do hope also hun you get outside and away from all the noise and technology around you. You go for walks you feel the air you listen to music and observe people living ok
Your treatment has just been started it will take time ok it is not a miracle cure as not treatment is that. You are doing the right things hun letting your doctor help you now trust him ok his judgment I am sorry you are so sad hun and afraid but know the staff will do what is in your best interest the doctor wants you to be well so he will do everything to help you You help you too ok by getting exercise by doing positive things to help your mind stay out of the rumination stay out of the darkness go for walks hun listen to music keep your mind on positive things ok hugs

 

[AmZ]

Thanks. I'm going quietly with it and am trusting my doctors. My psychiatrist was against me having the ECT but was outnumbered as the head psychiatrist and head of the hospital both met with me and agreed to do it 100%. But the compromise was that my psychiatrist said to give me the treatment only on one side of my head and on a very low voltage...

My psychiatrist is in control of the ECT they are giving me - all I can do is express to her how bad I am feeling and I'm trying my best to do that. I am honestly going with her as I know she wants to make sure I have as little side effects as possible. I'm no doctor so I've put my faith and trust in her that she'll give me the adequate treatment.

 

[AmZ]

Good news.

I sent an email to my psychologist a couple if days ago and explained everything that's going on with me. How I'm feeling, my thoughts, everything. I asked her in the end if the email if she could go and read it to my psychiatrist and let her know my situation as the doctors don't really seem to see or understand how bad things are for me. I meet with my psychologist three times a week and she's sees and understands things a lot better.

My psychiatrist just came up to me and asked me to go to her office to speak with her. She said that my psychologist read the email out to ALL the staff this morning and she said well done for expressing myself so well and that they can see how bad I'm feeling now and see what's going on with me.

My psychiatrist said that all the staff members agreed to now give me more aggressive ECT due to my situation. So now I'll be having the electricity on both sides of my head and they're doing it on a higher voltage.

I hope to see some results from it and am now feeling more understood and positive.

My next ECT is tomorrow morning. Wish me luck! (And lots of pain!)

 

[MHealthJo]

Great job getting your message through!!

Hope it is not as painful as the other time.... All the best with it.

 

[AmZ]

Great job getting your message through!!
Hope it is not as painful as the other time.... All the best with it.

Thank you. I appreciate it Jo.

Oh boy. I just can't believe how bad I am feeling. I have no words.