ok, I feel like.... nothing? actually I feel stupid posting this... like I shouldn't be complaining. There's so much inside of me and yet there's this big void. On one side I just want to scream and cry and on the other all I want to do is sleep, feel nothing... just be left alone. I feel very disconnected from myself, from my life, from everyone else... I mean I go through my days doing what I have to do, but there's no significance to what I do really... it just all blends in together. I feel very overwhelmed... and alone. I know I'm not, but I can't help but feel alone, b/c I feel so far away from all of this... I don't know if this is dissociating or not.. I think on some level it probabaly is, b/c I feel like I'm more in a trance almost when I si or when I purge... I don't understand what I'm trying to push away, why I can't just deal w/ my feelings? Am I lacking emotions or am I experiencing too many, too intensily? Often, I am very aware of one kind of feeling or of one part of my body, it's almost surreal... I mean, shoudn't I be experiencing my body as a whole? But all I can focus on is how fat a certain part is and the only words I can think of to describe the way I feel are fat, nothing, helpless, alone... mind you, none of those are feelings... but I don't know how to make sense of all of these mixed messages... people telling me I'm skinny and I can't see it even though I want to... I am lacking energy to do a lot of the things, I don't know how I got through these past weeks... my sleep is very messed up, I feel like I have to faint at times, I don't know who I am when I look at myself in the mirror. I hate that feeling. I must be such a horrible person trying to escape all of this... I feel very ungrateful, then again I don't know how grateful I can be when I constantly feel like I have to prove myself, like nothing I do is ever good enough... everything that I thought would make me happy, has turned out to be false... now, that's scarry... then will there ever be anything that will be "enough" or good enough? Am I ever going to be good enough?
The two reasons keeping me from si or purging on the rare occasion are inconvenience and just being too exhausted to do so... well, that's one fun way of going through your days I have to say (I hope you realize I'm being sarcastic). I thrive on being able to get those few moments to myself or going through my days counting the hours I haven't eaten.... I've avoided a lot of things lately b/c it involved food or b/c I just didn't want to deal w/ the people, situation etc... I really do sometimes think I've lost it, I mean I can't even eat if I know my dog is watching me.... yes, that does sound crazy. my days are encompassed with burning more cals, eating as little as I can, just trying to run away with any means I know how..... I don't even care anymore if you want to call this depression or not. It's just another label, another meaningless term to me... why am I at the point where things just don't matter? Good things, bad things, they're all the same. if things don't seem to matter, then what's the point of any of this? why keep on trying? in the hopes of what?
The two reasons keeping me from si or purging on the rare occasion are inconvenience and just being too exhausted to do so... well, that's one fun way of going through your days I have to say (I hope you realize I'm being sarcastic). I thrive on being able to get those few moments to myself or going through my days counting the hours I haven't eaten.... I've avoided a lot of things lately b/c it involved food or b/c I just didn't want to deal w/ the people, situation etc... I really do sometimes think I've lost it, I mean I can't even eat if I know my dog is watching me.... yes, that does sound crazy. my days are encompassed with burning more cals, eating as little as I can, just trying to run away with any means I know how..... I don't even care anymore if you want to call this depression or not. It's just another label, another meaningless term to me... why am I at the point where things just don't matter? Good things, bad things, they're all the same. if things don't seem to matter, then what's the point of any of this? why keep on trying? in the hopes of what?