Maintaining a Happy, Healthy Relationship After Parenthood

[David Baxter PhD]

Maintaining a Happy, Healthy Relationship after Parenthood
Posted by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
September 11th, 2009

The challenges couples face after becoming parents are varied and complex. One of the primary challenges is adapting to the all-intensive care-giving role of being parents while preserving the relationship and also maintaining some semblance of self-identity. All couples deal with these challenges differently. For some new parents the impact is more negative and shakes up the relationship: the workload at home increases; the parent with more child-care duties may resent the new burdens; communication between partners can diminish; sex may all but disappear; new financial stressors can cause tension; and partners can become polarized as to their values of child-rearing and family. Yet for other couples the relationship survives these challenges and actually thrives.

What happens to a relationship after a baby?s arrival has its starting point not solely in these challenges and stressors of the moment but in the personal history of each parent. There is a natural and normal tendency after the birth of a child for couples to experience some polarization around various issues. This polarization occurs in happy as well as unhappy marriages and has its roots in differences in the couple?s biology, socialization, personal experiences and family background. Whether a relationship improves or declines is largely dependent on the ability to reach across these differences. The creation of a smooth passage through the transition to parenthood is determined in large part by the couples willingness and ability to:

• Maintain mutual respect for one another.
• Be willing to be flexible about individual goals and needs to work together as a team and share power.
• Resolve differences about division of labor and work in a mutually satisfactory manner.
• Handle stresses in a way that does not overstress the other partner or the relationship.
• Argue constructively.
• Maintain a pool of common interests, despite diverging priorities.
• Realize that however good a relationship becomes post-baby, it will be good in a different way than it was pre-baby.
• Create ways to retain some active physical intimacy.
• Maintain the ability to communicate in a way that continues to nurture the relationship.

When a child comes into a relationship, that focus can be so intense that the parental relationship falls down the ladder of priorities. But this is not healthy for the relationship or for the children. It is essential to children that they see their parents as a strong and intimate unit. When parents are strong together this is the foundation upon which the family is built and the beginning of the children?s sense of self-esteem and security.

Here are some practical suggestions on how to maintain a relationship post-parenthood:

Make a commitment to each other
You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into your marriage (not just the children).

Make a commitment to yourself
Every parent needs alone time and time to nurture their ?self,? separate from their identity as ?parent.? Support each other in doing this.

Look for the good, overlook the bad
Remember your partner?s good qualities. Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things:

• dirty socks on the floor
• burping at the table
• dirty dishes on the counter
• forgetting blank
• etc., etc.

Give two compliments every day
Compliments are powerful! Let your partner know you are noticing them and their good qualities. Compliments make us feel good and they make us feel good about the person giving them! They don?t have to be fancy?anything genuinely delivered will do:

• ?Dinner was great, thank you!?
• ?Thanks for picking up the dry cleaning, that was thoughtful. You saved me a trip.?
• ?That (tie)(sweater) looks great on you.?

Play nice
Sometimes we take our partners for granted and display rudeness we wouldn?t to a friend or a child. As the saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being nice ? just choose nice? it?ll get you further in the long run!

Pick your battles
There will always be disagreement and conflict in a marriage and that doesn?t have to be a bad thing. It can be beneficial to a relationship to practice allowing differences and adapting to them. The key is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored.

Ask yourself:

• ?How important is this??
• ?Is this worth fighting over??
• ?What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus letting it go??

When you choose to fight:

• fight fair
• don?t attack
• use ?I? statements
• talk about how you feel

Fighting can create greater intimacy by airing resentment and anger and helping you stay connected instead of distancing from one another. The key is to be able to really listen to each other. Each time we complain and blame, without truly communicating, we are killing off a little piece of love. Be willing to be responsible for your own piece in the conflict.

The 60-second cuddle
The partner doing the largest amount of child-care may have less need for physical contact with their partners because babies and young children provide so much touching and cuddling. So here?s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your partner more often.

Here?s the deal: Whenever you?ve been apart, make it a rule that you?ll take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and reconnect. This can be addictive! If you follow this advice, you?ll soon find yourselves touching more often and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.

Spend more time talking to and listening to your partner
It?s been studied that couples with kids only spend (on average) 20 minutes a week in true conversation with each other. Challenge yourselves to be beyond average!

Get in the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you might have read, what you watched on TV, your day, your hopes, your dreams, your concerns.

Take a special interest in those things that your partner is interested in and ask questions. And then really listen to the answers.

Spend time with your partner
It is very difficult on a marriage to spend all your time being in the role of ?parents.? You need to also spend regular time just as ?partners.?

Try and take daily snippets of time where you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation or even just quiet companionship without a baby on your hip or a child tugging at your shirt sleeve.

If you can, have a weekly or monthly date where you get a babysitter ? schedule it now! Just two hours of babysitting and going to have a quiet cup of tea or a beer together can do wonders.

Play together:

• laugh
• take a class together
• play tennis or go bowling
• give each other massages
• hold hands and count the stars
• put on music and dance or go out dancing
• etc., etc.

When you and your partner regularly connect in a way that nurtures your relationship, you can find a renewed love between you, as well as a refreshed personal vigor that will allow you to be a better, more loving parent.