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HotthenCold

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Sep 12, 2007
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Hi there,

I am extremely angry at the moment and I think I really need some advice from other men who find they have problems with anger and all the male ego crap that happens in the male world.

I could ramble for pages so I'll keep it specific to one big issue for me right now: I started a new job a few months ago, in a job mostly staffed by men, so it's a very macho environment. It seems that some of them really hate me, as they ignore me when I say hi, and even make rude comments to me. Actually only one of them does that, but a couple ignore me. I'm pretty sure it's because I don't make a big point of talking about sports to prove my manhood, since I don't really follow sports.

I honestly believe I've been labeled as gay or a sissy, which sounds ridiculous I know, but it's not the first time this has happened to me. I know I'm not either of those and if I was so what right? well not quite that easy to write off since there are very real social consequences that come with these labels.

I'm furious that I'm in another job, experiencing the same poor treatment when my only crime is that I don't feel the need to conform to someone else's definition of manhood by talking about sports and acting like a macho idiot. I know it's good that I don't need to prove this to others and that I shouldn't be angry, but the stupidity of the reasons behind my exclusion from the group make me irate. I want to slash someone's tires, beat them up, yell at them, basically return all the hurt they've given me tenfold.

I know this is wrong so I'm trying to get over it before I snap, but I can't take any more of this crap. I can't tell anyone at work because that's akin to ratting which would cement my label.

Please, any other men who have similar frustrations tell me what you do to feel better. I"m fuming and worried I will hurt someone...
 

Daniel

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HotthenCold said:
acting like a macho idiot
Yes, I know the type. A lot of women know the type, too :)

Do you get along with your boss, at least? How's your social life outside of work?

There is self-help/therapy like interpersonal therapy that may help regarding such frustrations:
Interpersonal psychotherapy - Wikipedia
Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy
Interpersonal Solution to Depression

Similarly:

Holding this belief when faced with adversity tends to contribute to feelings of anger, rage, fury, and vindictiveness:

"Other people with whom I relate or associate, absolutely MUST, under practically all conditions and at all times, treat me nicely, considerately and fairly. Otherwise, it is terrible and they are rotten, bad, unworthy people who will always treat me badly and do not deserve a good life and should be severely punished for acting so abominably to me."

Rational emotive behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
How long do you plan to work there, anyway? In this economy, I assume it will be a while.

If you are feeling burned out about your job because of this, there are some additional suggestions here:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/mental-h...nout-understand-symptoms-and-take-action.html

HotthenCold said:
I'm furious that I'm in another job, experiencing the same poor treatment
Some cold comfort is that dominant/macho behavior is less likely in certain lines of work, e.g. analytical/technical careers (Dilbert-like jobs) like in engineering, software development, and anything math-related like actuarial work where employees tend to be more affable than dominant in the way they relate to others. And, of course, there are lots of work places where women are, if anything, in the majority like in healthcare and education. Similarly, certain places of employment like universities, IMHO, tend to attract more affable employees.

HotthenCold said:
It seems that some of them really hate me, as they ignore me when I say hi, and even make rude comments to me. Actually only one of them does that, but a couple ignore me.
On the positive side, ignoring someone does not usually equate to hate (or even necessarily dislike). But it can seem that way (especially in people with depression, anxiety, etc).

In any case:

If you were to track the daily happenings that flatten people's moods, you would likely find rejection at the core. "A very high percentage of negative events are related to the feeling that someone else doesn't value a relationship as much as you do," says Duke University psychologist Mark Leary. Those are the sore feelings that accompany such thoughts as, "Why did my coworker brush me off in that meeting?" or "My husband is watching TV when he should be paying attention to me!"

The drive to bond lies deep in our DNA. Disappointment when we fail to connect is virtually guaranteed. That's why the ultimate rejection—the departure of a loved one—is among the most stressful of all experiences.

Even the tiniest of slights can rile our emotions and send our self-esteem into a tailspin. In part, self-esteem reflects who we are intrinsically, but is also a barometer of our standing with others. Leary found that social self-esteem neatly rises with any inkling of acceptance ("Would you like to join us for lunch?") and plummets with any cut-down ("I like you—as a friend!").

"It's an internal gauge that is independently programmed," he explains. "So when you feel bad, you tend to feel bad about yourself." Social self-esteem acts like radar, scanning the environment for any hint of disapproval or exclusion. A blip on the meter, felt as a drop in self-esteem, is unpleasant, designed to spur us to address the source of the discomfort. If the gauge weren't sensitive to all signs of rejection, it might miss the big ones, endangering happiness or even safety. "Nature designed us to be vigilant about potential rejection," says Leary, "because for most of our history we depended on small groups of people. Getting shut out would have compromised survival."

There are situations that bring out the rejection-phobe in even the sturdiest soul. Starting a new school or moving to a new neighborhood makes everyone vulnerable to self-doubt. And power differentials—say, between boss and employee—attune everyone to the slightest hint of rejection...

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psycholo...umped-but-not-down-coping-with-rejection.html
HotthenCold said:
all the male ego crap that happens in the male world...

A reminder from one of your threads in 2008:
Lana said:
As for people...Unfortunately, we can't change them. What we can do, is change how we react to them, or not react at all...

Another thing is that you will meet lots of people in life that use b.s. There are competitive people also. Try to remember that most of such behavior stems from insecurities also. So really, the competition that you spoke of can be seen as "Who's most insecure and needs approval of the masses" Secure people don't engage in such behaviour. They don't need to. Those are the ones you want to focus on.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anger-management/11920-anger-is-taking-control.html#post89088

(BTW, there are at least a few sociologists who say that most of us go through our day and feel like a "somebody" at times and like a "nobody" at other times, largely based on the "ego strokes" we get or don't get.)
 

HotthenCold

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Just re-reading this thoughtful post since a lot of the same insecurities have flared up in recent days. On a positive note, most of the b.s that I was dealign with has completely shifted and I get respect from a lot of those people now...still some crappiness but it's mostly just how those people are.

Also, I have made a lot of strides in feeling true confidence, although it is anything but "absolute"...meaning I can still fall right back in to that same pit of self loathing and despair as before with the same intensity...although usually it is not for as long and I am better able to steer clear of potential triggers.

Anyway, thanks again Daniel, 3 years later!
 

Naruto_miu

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Jun 3, 2015
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It's actually quite an odd situation too be In. It sounds somewhat like what I went through In high-school prior too my diagnosis.

If I may be honest with you, In high-school, kids will be kids, and some kids come from a richer background and others from a poor back ground, and even in the "Poor" group you have "The Rich Poor group" (So more like High Middle Class Poor group), and than you have the "Low Middle Class poor group", and last you have the "Lowest class". So my family was in the Lowest of classes because my mother (Even though, she was making serious money, she couldn't manage It well), and thus we (The kids suffered).

So In high-school, I always was getting picked on, by the "Football guys" and the "Basket-Ball" team and so forth and so on. The thing about getting picked on, Is this, "It leaves the person, with all these questions", questions turn into resentment , resentment turns into hatred, that hatred, isn't a concentrated hatred, but more like a hatred that Is out of control. The more you try too control It, the more It eats away at you, Theirs only a limit too that which a person can honestly endure. Once that "Lid" of hatred is opened, truly and honestly horrible things occur. Things which aren't normal, It's like a savage/beast with-in becomes unleashed for the first time ever. Now the Issue, Is this, after you "Unleash" It, than you become sorry/regretful because really, that which you just "unleashed" Isn't something good, It comes from the depths of your soul, It comes from a very negative place, and while the (Kids) In my situation (Will be afraid of you), and (Wont pick on you no more), you really become regretful because of that which you just did.

You see, I've had a real Issue with anger all my life, I mean from 13 and I'm 35 now (Luckily now I'm on meds too control my moods and balance me), but before when I wasn't, It was a horrible thing.

So how do you deal with co-workers that have an Issue with you, for no apparent Issue.

1st) You stated that you say "Hi" too them and they don't respond too you. Why go out of your way too say hello too them in the first place? I mean why do you need their acceptance of you? They are mere human beings such as you and I, so why waste your time on them? If they say "Hello" too you, be polite and respectful and say "Hello" back but other than that, really no reason too interact with one another, since you're both their too work, correct?

2nd) About the fact that they think you're gay and what not, let them think that which they think. They have their own "opinion" of you and you have yours of them correct? So why let It bother you? Just because I think something of someone doesn't mean that It should eat away at that person correct? Assuming It eats away at that person, than the question becomes, why? Why does that person care what I think of them? Why do they need "My" acceptance?

Reverse that which I have stated, and ask yourself why do you need their acceptance? Why do you need their friendship? Ask yourself that, for you are the only one that can truly answer that question!

So In closing, remember this, the only one that you really need acceptance from Is (God), your family, your significant other, and that's It.

I hope everything works out well for you
 
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