• Quote of the Day
    "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
    Nelson Mandela, posted by Daniel

Jesse910

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I thought that I was doing reasonably well since my mom passed away 8 months ago until I sensed the fog returning and the depression creeping back in. Although I'm able to work, care for my son, and interact with my husband to a degree, the desire to lay down and sleep and not wake up is steadily growing. I wish that I could slam myself against a wall and shake it off, but I'm too tired. My mom was my best friend and a great source of strength and comfort in times of uncertainty. We knew each other very well and how the other person would respond in a given manner. I took care of her for the last two years of her life and I'm stilling feeling remorse that I didn't do enough. I've been doing a lot of self-talk to not take this on, but it becomes a vivious circle. While I could never talk to her about medication/bipolar issues, she and I could converse on other matters and that would distract me. My husband and I have been in marriage counseling for quite some time because we have problems communicating along with other issues. I have no desire to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yet, I've got to do so because it is important to my son and husband (who was denied so much as a child). While my husband can provide some comfort when I'm down, I'm not comfortable with him seeing this side of me because he expects me to be in the driver's seat. We're still settling my mom's estate and just had to clean out her house filled with 43 years of stuff. I feel so empty when I walk through her house because I keep waiting for her to come back. And, when the reality returns that she's not coming back, I crash, but I don't feel like I can show it. This comes at a crunch time because my therapist is out of state attending to a family emergency and I have to find the strength to hang on.
 
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Re: Moving past grief, depression and dispair

i am sorry for your loss, jesse. this must be incredibly difficult for you.

do you have any friends who might be able to offer you support?

I'm not comfortable with him seeing this side of me because he expects me to be in the driver's seat.
does he expect you to be in the driver's seat or is it possible that maybe you expect this of yourself?
 

Jesse910

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Hi Ladybug:

Yes, I have friends. However, I don't feel comfortable bringing this stuff up to them because I get the sense that I'm suppose to have moved on by now. And, I don't want to hassle them. With regards to being in the driver's seat, yes, my husband expects it and needs it. And, yes, if we're to survive, it's where I have to be. Basically, I'm just having a bad day and need to suck it up.
 
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how about finding a grief support group? it seems to be quite common for people to feel like they're supposed to be "over it" after a certain amount of time, because people in their surroundings send that message. in a grief support group you wouldn't have to deal with that and you'd find others going through similar things. it might be helpful while you wait for your therapist's return, and even in addition to your therapy as well when s/he is back.

you've got a lot on your shoulders, from the sounds of it. i hope you can find a way to let out some of your emotions. i can relate to feeling stuck and not being able to let it out because of circumstances and it is definitely very tough.

what is it you feel you need most right now? a shoulder to cry on? a place to vent? yell? a hug?
 

Jesse910

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I just completed a six week breavement group about a month ago. I honestly and truly thought that I was going to be just fine. If I could ask for one thing right now, it would be for my husband to hold me. It's taken me all day to formulate that one request in my mind. I can form the words, but I can't say them without feeling guilt. I really just need to go home and be alone for a while. My husband is going to be really mad if I can't shake this thing before Thanksgiving. He really likes holidays. If I can figure out how to fake it, I'll be okay. Thanks for trying to help.
 
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you're having a rough time. when does your therapist get back, any idea?

do you think doing another bereavement group would be helpful, now that it's turning out you're not fine as you thought you were?
 

ladylore

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I just completed a six week breavement group about a month ago. I honestly and truly thought that I was going to be just fine. If I could ask for one thing right now, it would be for my husband to hold me. It's taken me all day to formulate that one request in my mind. I can form the words, but I can't say them without feeling guilt. I really just need to go home and be alone for a while. My husband is going to be really mad if I can't shake this thing before Thanksgiving. He really likes holidays. If I can figure out how to fake it, I'll be okay. Thanks for trying to help.

Hi Jesse,

Your in the midst of the grieving process that doesn't have a timeline. You will be fine but right now you do need to ask your husband to hold you. :)

It sounds like your being very hard on yourself, your feelings are your feelings so may I gently request that you take yourself off the hook and be gentle with yourself during this time.

This is only a question but why would your husband be mad because your grieving the loss of your mother. If he had lost a parent would you be angry with him if he didn't get over it at such and such a date? Would he honestly be angry with you or is this how you percieve how he would feel? You may want to tell him staight that you are going through a hard time right now and talk about it.

Normally the grief cycle can take 2-3 years to go through. So its ok what you are feeling. :hug:

Ladylore
 

Jesse910

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Dear Ladybug and Ladylore:

You're both correct. I am being hard on myself right now. While I did not sleep well last night, I did accomplish one task last night, I prepared dinner for my family. I did things that brought comfort. Although I'm still feeling low, I sincerely believe that it will pass in time and I just have to deal for a while until I feel better. I thank you both for being available to listen and offer support. It means the world to me right now.
 
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sometimes being kind to ourselves brings comfort in itself. it's ok to be hurting and it's ok to take care of yourself in whatever way is meaningful to you. you did ok, jesse. just keep being kind to yourself, it's what you need right now.
 

ladylore

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Its my pleasure to be available, and your welcome. :)

I found a site on the web that may be of assistance to you. One of the subjects deals specifically with grief and loss at Help Guide.org.

Keep doing the things that bring you comfort.

Take care
Ladylore
 

bbjjre

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My father passed away this past September from Leukemia and I often feel the way you do. I think that I am doing great and then Bam, I have a few days or weeks where I don't think I can find the strength to go on, but I do move forward, I take it one day at a time, and I try to remember that my dad would only want me to be happy and to move forward with my life.
 

Laurie1407

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Hi
Jesse
Oh my god Jesse when I read your letter it brought tears to my eyes because it sounded as though I had wrote it myself (((BIG HUG))))
I lost my mom in may of this year and like you she was my best friend and we did so much together,I also looked after her as well.Losing her is like losing a piece of me.
But you know what jesse I talk to her every day in my head lol sometimes out loud too when I'm alone oh course but it comforts me to do so.Some days are harder than others but I just try to remember all the good times and not the sad ones.
so if you ever feel like talking I'm a good listener.

Take care
Laurie
 

Jesse910

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Before I went to bed last night, I took some Ativan and that allowed me to sleep. Today, I feel like I'm sleep walking through my day. My thoughts ebb and flow and at times, I have to remind myself that I have to stay here and that I can't go anywhere. My body is sore from stress. Tomorrow, I'm going for a massage. I am trying to stick to the plan and do things that bring comfort right now. This includes reading and journeling. I trying to focus less upon the depression and more upon doing one task at a time. I am encouraged by the responses of others that I am not crazy for feeling the way that I do. Thank you. This website has continued to be a lifeline.
 
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i am glad you found our responses helpful. you are definitely not crazy for feeling the way you do. loss is hard to deal with and we all react differently. honour your own feelings and your needs and that will help you get through this.
 

Jesse910

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I keep getting in the way of myself. Took a double dose of Ativan and that did me in. Spent most of yesterday laying down and recovering. I felt really bad and ashamed. Today, I didn't take any. Can't get anymore Effexor until tomorrow, so I'm running on empty in other areas, but I'm going to get through. I'm glad that I've got this website as a life line right now.
 

Elizabeth

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I think I am now over the grieving for my grandma as she only comes into my thoughts when I am alone and sad/lonely/depressed.

It takes time to grieve you just have to take one day at a time and be strong, remember all the happy memories.
 

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