I thought that I was doing reasonably well since my mom passed away 8 months ago until I sensed the fog returning and the depression creeping back in. Although I'm able to work, care for my son, and interact with my husband to a degree, the desire to lay down and sleep and not wake up is steadily growing. I wish that I could slam myself against a wall and shake it off, but I'm too tired. My mom was my best friend and a great source of strength and comfort in times of uncertainty. We knew each other very well and how the other person would respond in a given manner. I took care of her for the last two years of her life and I'm stilling feeling remorse that I didn't do enough. I've been doing a lot of self-talk to not take this on, but it becomes a vivious circle. While I could never talk to her about medication/bipolar issues, she and I could converse on other matters and that would distract me. My husband and I have been in marriage counseling for quite some time because we have problems communicating along with other issues. I have no desire to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yet, I've got to do so because it is important to my son and husband (who was denied so much as a child). While my husband can provide some comfort when I'm down, I'm not comfortable with him seeing this side of me because he expects me to be in the driver's seat. We're still settling my mom's estate and just had to clean out her house filled with 43 years of stuff. I feel so empty when I walk through her house because I keep waiting for her to come back. And, when the reality returns that she's not coming back, I crash, but I don't feel like I can show it. This comes at a crunch time because my therapist is out of state attending to a family emergency and I have to find the strength to hang on.