My Fear of Abandonment is irrational and I know it

[Mitzy]

I hope someone out there will read this and help me.

I have an irrational fear of my boyfriend leaving me, and it is paralyzing me from living a normal life and it is slowly sabatoging my relationship with him. We have been together for almost 3 years and there should be no literal reason for this fear he tells me he loves me all the time, he is always available when I need him and he comes home every night and spends almost all of his time with me.

He just left to go on a guys fishing trip for a whole week and I didn't want him to go but he did (which I am told it a good thing) I was already panicking when I found out how long he would be gone for but when I found out it would be a remote camp ground without any means of communication no phone for miles I just about died. I freaked right out and my friend couldn't understand what the big deal is. The day he left I cried like a baby all morning, he literally had to push me out the door so I would go to work. I got so worked up it made him upset. He called me before he got ther cause he didn't know when he would speak to me again and he left me the sweetest email before he left the house. But nevertheless I am so completely terrified something bad will happen to him or he just won't come home.

I can't eat or sleep and I constantly check my phone to see if he tried to call me. I can't talk about him without starting to cry, even thinking about him makes me cry. I know this isn't normal. I love this man with all my heart and I may drive him away if I keep acting like this which is exactly what I am afraid of. I refuse to be alone, I don't like it I have someone staying with me so I don't have to be alone in the house and I can't even sleep in our bed.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me being terrified of losing someone but I have never been able to figure out how to deal with it.
I know that I need help but I don't know what kind.

Can someone help me?????

 

[crash]

Can you tell us more about the relationship? Do the two of you often fight?

 

[ladylore]

What kind of plans can you make while he is away? Picking up a community newspaper and seeing what is going on in your community maybe a great way to pass the time.

Are you seeing a therapist right now, by any chance?

 

[HBas]

Hi Mitzy,

Do you work/study and have you got any sort of support from your Family and are they close or far away?

HB

 

[Mitzy]

We hardly fight, though I do get mad him for really stupid reasons because I feel he is being inconsiderate. Like if he went out with friends and didn't call me to tell me what he was doing. We spend 90% of our time together, he is so much fun to be around and he is a very kind and caring person. He also gets along with everyone, you'll never know if he doesn't like you cause he will be nice to you anyways. He's not a mean person.

I know that I centre my life around him and that I do have some codependancy issues, its really ridiculous when I think about how much I have missed because I would rather partticipate in something my boyfriend is doing rather than doing what makes me happy. I do things for other people, not for myself. I am finding out I'm not quite sure who I am and where I belong, but I can put on a pretty good facade to make everyone think i have got it all together. I am also really afraid of what other people think, or if they may possibly think negative things about me.

I don't have a therapist, and I'm not talking to anyone right now. I was speaking to a counsellor before the summer but I thought that I was doing better so I stopped.

I have 2 more days to go and I reach out to anyone who will talk to me to pass the time. This whole week has been consumed with me just trying to pass the time. Most of my family lives like an hour away, my mom has been really good but (surprise) she went camping, she left yesterday and I can't bring myself to bother her with my problems so I try to find other people to talk to.Thank god for work or I would probly lose my mind.

Off to work...

 

[Retired]

Mitzy,

I do get mad him for really stupid reasons because I feel he is being inconsiderate

Have you ever had a conversation with your boyfriend, to make him aware that it would make you happy if he would check back with you if he knows he will be delayed, or is away for a period of time?

Surprisingly this is a frequent issue among some new couples, especially when one of you is accustomed to frequent communication, and the other isn't.

This little request for an accomodation to satisfy your personal need may be a good indicator of how accomodating your boyfriend may or may not be on larger issues. It could be a valuable test for your relationship.

Having said that, a solid relationship needs to be built on unconditional love and unconditional trust.

Each of you needs some personal space, where you may want to occasionally enjoy the company of same gender friends.

The amount of time spent and activities engaged in are a subject for mutual comfort and agreement, that may require some negotiation.

To what degree are you committed to this man at this time?

 

[Mitzy]

We are in a fully commited relationship, we live together and like I said spend a lot of time together but the other problem is that I have to admit to him what happened in my childhood. I feel like I have a a shameful secret and if I tell him he will not love me anymore.

 

[Into The Light]

maybe the secret from your childhood is the source of your "irrational" fear of abandonment? sometimes things happen to people when they are young. the people that are supposed to be safe and protect them don't, and in that way maybe you have been abandoned.

it might be a thought to see a psychologist about your childhood, and as you work through the issues you will work through the fear of abandonment.

 

[Retired]

I feel like I have a a shameful secret and if I tell him he will not love me anymore

Do you know that for sure? Has he said so or has he acted in a way that suggests this would be his response? If this man truly loves you, he loves you for who you are and not for what may or may not have happened in the past.

It is often surprising how a loving supportive partner really does not care about some deep dark secret in the other partner's past.

As has been suggested, a therapist can help you come to terms with your deep dark secret, allowing you to take control and deal with it. You can then share your secret with your partner.

What makes you doubt the degree of commitment of your partner that would cause him to no longer love you if he had this knowledge?