BluMac81
Member
Hi all... I've been in a state of "melancholy" as I like to call it for the past few months, and it was triggered by a disappointment. I was unhappy at the place I worked in Oregon, so I moved out here to Colorado, with hopes of finding a new happiness here (and not such a stressful job). But, everything is the same here, and I've noticed that pattern. Through my life I always seem to be "looking forward" to something that will bring me happiness in the future, and that's what keeps me going day by day. But i'm, starting to see that nothing really changes, that life is generally painful, unfair, and pointless.
I've gotten to the point where I wouldn't mind death if it came to me. Granted, I would never commit suicide, as that would harm my family; but i think, given the chance to sacrifice my life for something or someone (like pushing a kid out of the way from a speeding car), i'd do it in a heartbeat.
I've been wanting to just stay and bed for weeks at a time, but I can't do that... I live alone and have to work to support myself, lest my life get even worse being given financial problems, etc. So I feel lost, and that there is no way out of this... happiness to me is an illusion, and my trying to grasp at it only makes it disperse in the wind... though it seems other people have found happiness... and I wonder if it's just me with the happiness cup which can never be filled.
I'm lost and confused... how do I restore my hope for this life?
I've gotten to the point where I wouldn't mind death if it came to me. Granted, I would never commit suicide, as that would harm my family; but i think, given the chance to sacrifice my life for something or someone (like pushing a kid out of the way from a speeding car), i'd do it in a heartbeat.
I've been wanting to just stay and bed for weeks at a time, but I can't do that... I live alone and have to work to support myself, lest my life get even worse being given financial problems, etc. So I feel lost, and that there is no way out of this... happiness to me is an illusion, and my trying to grasp at it only makes it disperse in the wind... though it seems other people have found happiness... and I wonder if it's just me with the happiness cup which can never be filled.
I'm lost and confused... how do I restore my hope for this life?