My mother hits her face...

[KimberlyAnnxx]

how should i deal with my mother who hits her face constantly and is constantly unhappy? She feels so badly about herself that everything i do is translated as some kind of attack against her and results in a round of face slapping, usually until her face is bruised and swollen. I am finding it increasingly hard to live with and am not sure what to do. I have recommended that she go get help, approaching it in a caring way but she has only gotten angry and accused me of hating her and thinking she is "sh**." :-(...

my brother is developmentally delayed at 22, and my father and her do not get along well and fight constantly. It is unusual for them to get along, and rarely happens. I finally told her last friday, that she should consider getting help, but she only got angry with me and continued to hit herself. She said she was suicidal and that she hates herself, and that i think, is what drives her to hate me (she thinks that i think she is a terrible mother, etc, all of which i have never thought...) She has not spoken to me since.. it is now saturday night...

I have told her that i only wished she would get some help because i care about her, and she has told me to "shut the eff up" and that i dont really care because i think everyone is better than her. she is convinced that i think every other mother is better than her...

Ive bought her gifts that were placed on a shelf, like glass plaques and the like, and she has smashed all of the gifts that ive bought her.. and she has killed my fish (over the summer) claiming that since i didnt care for it, it didnt matter.

I'm only 17, so what do i know about hitting yourself and.. you know, things of that sort.. i just know that.. she is never happy with anything that i do, and i swear i have never tried harder at anything in my life. it hurts so much to feel like nothing you do is good enough, and that your hated for reasons that you cant understand... She tells me to just leave with my dad and she is acting like i have done something wrong because i told her that she needs to get help. She is acting like i am a terrible child. Nothing good that I have done has ever mattered or ever been good enough to please her. I am 15th in my class out of about 450 students, (i am a junior in high school), i do not smoke pot, i have never drank, i have been dating a boy for 2 years and 2 months and have not had sex, i play the violin (taught myself) I ran cross country making varsity my sophomore year, and i got a 5 on my bio AP test, and none of it matters. None of it at all, the only thing that matters to her is "me thinking she is a bad mother, and me being a bitch because of all the things i think of her" I dont understand it, and i dont think that i want to live here anymore. In July i will be 18 and i have considered leaving. Maybe when i am gone she will see how she treated me and realize she needs to change. The only problem with moving out is that I am afraid. Not sure whether I can be that independent... I would be living with a friend and their family of course, but it will be hard.. Maybe too hard for me to do.. I dont know...

 

[Into The Light]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

welcome to psychlinks kimberly. i am very sorry for what you must be going through. you sound like a very caring and concerned daughter. you are right that your mother needs to get help, but unfortunately if she is not willing to consider it i do not think there is much you can do. she sounds like she is depressed and angry, and part of the problem with depression is that people have a distorted, negative view of themselves. they believe a lot of things that just aren't true, and in this case, your mother believes you think she's the worst mother in the world. i could be wrong here but i suspect she feels like she is the worst mother in the world and is projecting it on you.

i can tell you from experience that if you are a mother and you are depressed, there can be a lot of feelings of guilt towards your children.

i hope that you realize that none of this is your fault. you could achieve the most amazing things til you are blue in the face, but your mother will still have this unrealistic belief that you don't care, etc. it's nothing you did. it's what depression is doing to her.

moving out and away from this environment might be a good break for you. have you considered speaking with a school counsellor about your home life? they may be able to advise you what to do and how to cope, and may have better input around the moving away from home idea.

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

Ladybug-
thanks so much for your care and concern.. I dont really know what else i could do for her, and ive become angry enough to consider leaving. I dont know if it is anger or just that theres now a hole in my heart that cant be fixed due to what shes said and how shes acted.. ive talked to a counselor at school, and she has said much of what you have said. I just dont know how much longer i can deal with her.. another three months and ill be 18, but these three months will be long and hard, especially with AP tests, SATs, and finals.. :-/
thanks so much for your help though, it means a lot.. <3

 

[Into The Light]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

you're probably feeling both anger and sadness, and that's understandable. i know this is hard, but try to understand that the things she says and does are caused by depression. it's the disease that is doing this, not her.

i am glad you've gone to see the counselor at school already. you need support wherever you can get it.

have you considered moving out before your 18th birthday so that you could at least try to focus on your exams? is there any reason you are wanting to wait until your birthday?

feel free to come and post here. that is what this forum is for.

 

[Retired]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

Welcome to Psychlinks Kimberley.

First it's important to realize the situation in your home is not your fault. It's a common conclusion children tend to make in a home where the relationship between the parents is strained.

To make matters worse, you are being told you are the cause of the trouble and you have not received the validation you deserve for your achievements.

Unfortunately your parents have issues between them, and it appears that you have been made the scapegoat.

When dealing with people who act in an irrational manner, you cannot let yourself respond with a normal emotional response. Someone else's irrational behaviour should not influence your emotions or judgment.

It's for this reason, as Ladybug has suggested, try getting a counsellor at school to help provide you with a balance in perspective.

It's hard to advise anyone to leave home, which is a decision you need to make on your own, but two considerations are your personal safety and your personal mental health.

At some point you need to take charge of what sounds like a very bright future for you, based on your achievements to date.

Do you have a trusted family member, spiritual counsellor or school counsellor or even family physician you can confide in?

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

Ladybug and TSOW:

Thanks so much for your help, your advice and opinions are worth more than you know..

Ladybug, you asked why i am waiting to leave; i have to wait because legally i cant go, unless i get other people involved, but i dont want that.. you know? I think ill stay with a friend when im 18, when im legally allowed to and there are no ways of making me come home, or ways of getting others involved in this.. The school psychologist has told me that my mom needs help, and its likely she wont get it, so i just need to deal with myself. But its hard, i have lost all confidence in myself and i have severe anxiety. Maybe it is not severe, but i feel sick everyday, my heart races often, my hands sweat, and im exhausted 75% of the time. Ive become so anxious all the time that i avoid hanging out with friends, and just want to sleep.. Thanks to the both of you, i really appreciate it. I just wish i could leave now, and focus on school for the time being, but i think i will need to just bear with it until July.... :-/

 

[Into The Light]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

i am wondering if maybe you are starting to have some signs of depression yourself. have you mentioned these things to the counsellor? are you getting more help from her or was it just a one time visit? i would encourage you to seek help for yourself for the anxiety and the exhaustion you are experiencing.

take care and hang in there.

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

I have tried to talk to my mother, but her only reply was "Stop blaming everything on me, just stop worrying about school"
I never blamed it on her, i just wanted some help...

Theres not a lot the counselor at school can do for me.. I have a full schedule and i cant miss classes.. :-/

Again, thanks so much for your support.. My boyfriend is doing so much for me, and at times like this, people like you and him really help make life seem better.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

do you think you could talk to your family doctor about your current health and mental well-being?

i am glad you have the support of your boyfriend. that is something you have going for you.

 

[Halo]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

Hi Kimberly and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I don't have a lot to add to what Ladybug and TSOW said except to say that I agree with them that continuing to talk with your school counsellor and psychologist is well worth it even if it means missing a class or two.

I don't think that any of us can say this enough that this is definitely NOT your fault. Her outbursts, reactions and blame is really all about her and has nothing to do with you.

I can only image how difficult this is for you especially given that your parents don't get along as well but if you are intent on not leaving until your 18, just try your best to surround yourself with people that are caring and understanding until then.

Take care

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Re: My mother Hits her face...

No, my mother will not take me. And my father will not do anything my mother doesnt consent to. He is too worried about making her mad... I told him he needs to let her know that she cant be like this and that she needs help, and his only reply is "Are you crazy? You know what she will do, and i dont want to deal with it. Just try to ignore it, i know its hard, but you gotta do it." He knows what she is doing to me, he knows what its doing to him, but he wont do anything to help fix it..

And my boyfriend is great, i couldnt ask for anything better.. My mother hates him though, because he lives in a bigger house than ours and therefore believes that i only care about his money. I didnt know where he lived when i started dating him two years ago, so that it untrue. I love him for how he treats me and for the great person that he is.. :-( She thinks i only like smart people, and tells me i am a snob all the time, and that I am a social climber and that i think she is crap. :-( I dont understand it, and she gets so angry at me..

thank you so much Nancy for your support. My heart is broken now and thats really all that i can say. She has hurt me too much to say, "mom its okay, and i love you" because i feel as though i dont anymore. I dont hate her, i never will. I just dont love her like i used to.

School will be hard, and i have panic attacks sometimes, and the anxiety has gotten worse as time has gone on, but hopefully some day things will be okay..

 

[ThatLady]

First of all, Kimberly, it's not you your mother hates. Despite the things she says, it's herself she doesn't like, not you. Her words stem from the irrationality caused by her illness. She's obviously very sick and certainly does need help!

Has your father ever tried taking her to hospital when her face is all bruised and swollen, and telling the doctors exactly how her face got to be so injured? Have you talked directly to a counsellor at your school about what's going on? You need to get some outside help with this. You're not going to be able to force your mother into treatment. It's going to take an outside influence to make a change in what's going on, I fear.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such a terrifying situation in your home. :hug:

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Thatlady- its very kind of you to offer your assistance! <33 Thanks so much!

My father chooses to ignore the situation and i think he has just accepted her as she is and does not like to say anything to her that would upset her... :-/
I have spoken to someone at school, but not a lot can be done. It is just so hard, but thanks again for your support <3

 

[ThatLady]

It's just beyond my comprehension that there's nobody to help you, Kimberly. No young person should be subjected to this kind of trauma. It hurts my heart to think of you in this situation. :hug:

I know it's only three months until you're 18; however, what would happen if you moved now? With what's going on at your home, it's more than possible that nobody would try to make you return if you left. Even though your father won't take action, I'm sure he knows how hard this is on you. He should understand. As far as your mother goes, while she might holler and carry on, she sounds like she's sick enough that her insight won't allow her to concentrate on anything other than herself for very long. Getting out now might be the best thing you can do. At least, you'd have the opportunity to study in relative peace, finish your highschool education, and begin to prepare for college (if that's what you have in mind - I certainly hope it is!).

Please, continue to come here for support, whatever you decide to do. You've got us behind you, and we're happy to listen whenever you need to vent. Many, many hugs and well-wishes to you. You're a strong, brave girl with a bright future ahead. :hug:

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Thatlady- i think if i left now, it would create a lot of problems.. my mother would only get angry, and i dont think my friends' parents would want to take me in just yet if im only 17, you know? I dont want to put them in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.. :-/

My dad knows that if she wont get it together, im not going to stay.. :-/ he doesnt have much to say about it, just an "i know.." so i dont know..

as far as my future, i would like to be a doctor.. maybe even for the peace corps. buuut, i dont know if i can handle the stress of school... med-school, college, so maybe ill just... settle for something else.. idk..

i have anxiety, and have had panic attacks. Probably about.. 3 max, so its not anything really bad, but the general anxiety makes me sick everyday.. :-/ just thinking about the AP test and SAT's and finals really gets me worried and i just feel overwhelmed. Today my mother is still not speaking to me and just fought with my father all day. It is hard to study, and hard to concentrate on the things that must be done.. I just spent most of the day sleeping...

thanks so much for reading, I know that maybe this is nothing as bad as other things that have been posted, but i am having a hard time with it. Maybe im not as strong as others, but Im workin' on it.. thanks again, it means a lot.. <33

 

[Retired]

Kimberly,

as far as my future, i would like to be a doctor

Don't give up the dream, because someone with the obvious compassion you exhibit along with your intelligence and insights has all the right stuff to go into medicine.

i dont know if i can handle the stress of school...i have anxiety, and have had panic attacks

Anyone living in the environment which you describe would have anxiety and panic attacks. I am not a doctor, but I would say that anxiety provoked by your environment (situational anxiety) can be controlled now with some medical intervention and perhaps even done away with once you extricate yourself from that environment.

Do you have access to medical care where you could talk to a physician about your anxiety and panic attacks?

It is hard to study, and hard to concentrate on the things that must be done.. I just spent most of the day sleeping

These are most definitely symptoms that should be reported to your doctor.

Anxiety, panic attacks and even depression are all treatable conditions and if you could be seen by a physician for your symptoms, I am sure you would see an improvement in your quality of life .

In this time of stress, I would advise that you not make any life long decisions about your career choice. Continue with your education in a general direction, wait a while until you can be on your own to make that choice.

i dont think my friends' parents would want to take me in

You may want to reconsider that plan. If you are referring to the parents of your boy friend, this suggests you would be moving in with your boyfriend.

Regardless of the depth of your relationship at this time, you may want to avoid a situation where you move in with your boyfriend on the rebound from getting away from a bad situation at home.

The end result could be getting married to the the person of your first romantic relationship. Statistics are not in your favor and you may find yourself in a failed marital relationship, which could ultimately sabotage your career or choice of profession.

You may wish to investigate ways in which you would be more independent or if your friend's parents' home is the only solution, make it clear that you are there without any personal commitments, until you can figure out yoour best life choices.

Kimberly, please keep the dialogue going as there are plenty of people here on Psychlinks with lots of life experience who can offer suggestions. You need information so you can make some informed decisions.

 

[Into The Light]

Thatlady- i think if i left now, it would create a lot of problems.. my mother would only get angry, and i dont think my friends' parents would want to take me in just yet if im only 17, you know? I dont want to put them in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.. :-/

you won't know until you ask. even if you decide not to move in with them just now, you can still approach them and talk to them about your situation. they may be able to take you to your family doctor and/or a counsellor. you do not have to deal with this alone. if they are willing to take you in at the age of 18, i suspect they would be more than happy to provide you with support right now as well in the form of listening to you, helping you get to appointments, talking to the school, etc.

My dad knows that if she wont get it together, im not going to stay.. :-/ he doesnt have much to say about it, just an "i know.." so i dont know..

as far as my future, i would like to be a doctor.. maybe even for the peace corps. buuut, i dont know if i can handle the stress of school... med-school, college, so maybe ill just... settle for something else.. idk..

i have to say kimberly i am very impressed with your accomplishments to date. you sound like a very intelligent and capable person. don't give up your dreams. you may need some time to adjust a bit and get your personal situation stable. none of this means you cannot follow your dream. it's amazing you have a dream like this. i had no idea what i wanted to do when i was 17.

i have anxiety, and have had panic attacks. Probably about.. 3 max, so its not anything really bad, but the general anxiety makes me sick everyday.. :-/ just thinking about the AP test and SAT's and finals really gets me worried and i just feel overwhelmed. Today my mother is still not speaking to me and just fought with my father all day. It is hard to study, and hard to concentrate on the things that must be done.. I just spent most of the day sleeping...

that sounds like depression, of course this is not a diagnosis, but it's definitely something i think you need to watch out for. i really encourage you to see your doctor, with the help of your friend's parents.

thanks so much for reading, I know that maybe this is nothing as bad as other things that have been posted, but i am having a hard time with it. Maybe im not as strong as others, but Im workin' on it.. thanks again, it means a lot.. <33

it's so easy for us to say, "my problems are nothing compared to others", but the truth is, your problems are valid, and you need support to get through this difficult time. i think you are very strong just for the fact that you are a good kid - you don't smoke, do pot, drink, have sex, etc etc while many others would have chosen that route had they been in your shoes.

you will get through this with the support of others. keep posting here, and reach out to anyone you think will be of help.

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

Steve:

I've talked to my friends' parents and they are willing to let me live with them when im 18, before then they would like to talk to my father, and my father will not willingly let me move out.. as for living with my boyfriend, i have never considered it.. "too much of a good thing" would be the case haha.. He is great, weve been dating for two years, but its not something we want.. were only 17 and.. living together would move our relationship to a place where.. we're not ready for. Would i ever marry him? Chances are no, we will go our separate ways im sure, but right now, he is the greatest boy i have ever met, and nearly all of my friends are boys aside from two great girl friends, who i have considered living with..

Umm.. i have spoken to my boyfriends mother about it, and she says that if things dont improve, i should consider living in a better environment, and that you know... i cant force my mom to get help, but she is willing to do anything she can to help me. I know she does not want me moving in either, but if i absolutely needed to (which wouldnt happen, because i would find someone, even if they were my other friends who were boys) i could move in. I just want to avoid moving in with him because of how it would change everything.. But thank you for reiterating that moving in with your boyfriend at such a young age has nearly all odds against you. its good to be reminded of that. A lot of my friends say that i would be okay, but we just arent ready. I think i will be spending a week with his family at the shore over the summer, and that will be exciting but nothing too serious. Thats how we like it.

Hmm, about going to the doctor.. my mother is not willing to take me, and my father will not because my mom says not to..? Its hard to explain. my father will not do anything my mother does not want done..


Again, thanks for all of your help. It is helping me to talk to some other people who have advice to give and who are as willing to help as you. thanks so much!

Ladybug- I really appreciate all of you ongoing support. It is encouraging to read what you have said, about my dreams and aspirations, and i am more motivated to continue trying hard in school, and stay out of trouble. I have always tried to be a good kid for my parents, and sometimes i feel as though it has all been for nothing. I have talked to my friends' parents, but theres not too much they can do in terms of doctors, etc. The school counselor would like me to come in tuesday to talk with her again, and she has said theres not a lot she can do, but she will try to help.
I know this will sound silly, and perhaps make me seem ungrateful, but talking to her, and sometimes others, does not help me a lot.. It does, in that i know that i have support, and thats something a lot of people dont have, so i know i am very very lucky (to even have you posting as well) but i feel as though nothing will change until i leave. and that is something that i am afraid of doing. As much as i want to, i am still afraid of doing it.

 

[Into The Light]

you can't change other people, no matter how hard you try. i know it's disappointing to work so hard in an effort to gain your parents' approval, but this is something beyond your control.

i understand it's scary to leave home, it's certainly not under the best of circumstances, and it's definitely an unknown. you don't know what it will be like. but i think it will work out for you, and i think you are very lucky to have your boyfriend and your friends. you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. you'll make it through.

 

[KimberlyAnnxx]

thanks so much.. i hope so.. <333