Before reading if I posted this in the wrong section I am sorry, if a moderator could move it to proper one that would be appriciated.
Hello,
I am unsure where to post this, I have been debating for months on how to proceed. I am pretty sure I am in the wrong forum for this post, but from everything i've read this forum is the closest to what I am dealing with.
I cannot keep my thoughts straight, the bounce all over the place, but i've been having issues for the past 3 years and I am getting tired of putting on this happy face and pretending like nothing is wrong, although I am pretty sure people have to know.
What I am hoping to achieve by making this post is to simply get a set list to go to my phychiatrist so I can get properly medicated.
Back Story:
2nd Grade Diagnosed with ADD (Medicine never made a slight difference in grades ect..)
Don't remember much between 2nd and 8th grade just know I got made fun of alot.
Dad was in airforce moved alot never really had friends.
8th grade stopped taking medicine just threw the pills away. (horrible side effects)
9th grade failed every class in school blah got in trouble detetion ISS.
10th grade mom attempted to homeschool, didn't work she worked to much sat at home for a year playing video games.
11th grade got moved to secondary school (school for rejects as the teachers caused it, met some people started smoking ALOT of weed. Got arrested drunk at walmart usual yelling resulted from dad.
probation/weed/alchohol abuse continued. Painful rejection from girl I liked(vowed I would **** up my life from this on).
18 years old - - 12th grade 3 credits from graduating mouth got me in trouble kicked out of school. Weed use continued. Lost best friend, started to do excessive amounts of cocaine. Cocaine guy got busted, started making meth/smoking meth. Mom diagnosed with cancer.
Busted high on meth while driving, month after that busted driving a stolen car.
Thats just a short version not trying to bore people to death here just looking for help.
I wanna start out when I was 18, I started hanging out with a guy to simply **** off another friend because I was bored of hanging out with him and getting drunk.
Smoked bunch of weed, couldn't find weed started doing cocaine. Wouldn't go home for months just did what ever I wanted. Cocaine guy got busted. Started stealing cars and smoking meth.
About one week after I started smoking meth my mom got diagnosed with cancer and was schedualed for surgery 2 weeks later, never seen her once. Smoked more meth, mom got home from hostpital after a 3 week binge I borrowed car to go find some weed.
Get call halfway out of town mom was choking on spit (complicated she was in a rough state) dad had to run 2 miles home to get to her because I borrowed the car.
two weeks later on my way home after being up for a week, I get pulled over 1 block away from home. Cop had me on the hook he let me go home hoping I would sleep on it and rat out my dealer.
The next day I have to tell my parents, mom cried so hard she had to go to the hospital due to mucus (complicated)
caught driving stolen car stoned busted decided to change my life (lawyer said some meaningful words to me)
3 months of drug treatment and I was through with the hard part, just had 2 years of probation. Sat inside for a year playing video games, didn't talk to anyone but family on occasion.
after that year I got new probation officer after we moved, he got my ass in gear I got a job...Lost that job. Really got my ass in gear got another job have held that job for 2 years and counting.
Sorry this was longer than I expected.
Basically I cannot think, I am always thinking about whats wrong with me. How I ****ed up, the things I have done to people while stoned/spun out/drunk. I have done some ****ed up things to people that they will never recover from.
I try and move forward with my life, I exercise daily (walk 6 miles after work) I've lost over 100 lb's in the past 2 years 310lb's to 200lb's.
But at the end of the day after my walk I come in I sit inside and stare at my tv, the only time I felt normal is when I was playing spaceship mmo. But that was just another addiction, I want to do something with my life I do not want to sit inside playing games all day.
Stopped playing the game bought a project truck started working on it made huge progress. My other truck broke down, sold it. Bought a car it broke down was in a crunch had to sell everything I owned to get a new car.
When I stopped using drugs, I went through a phase I was really depressed every day, wake up crying wishing I was dead, that all went away shortly after my system cleared up.
(Went to see phychiatrist he gave me medicine for anxiety/depressiion/antiphychotic never told me what that was for.
I feel I didn't describe my symptoms to him correctly. This was back at the begining of drug treatment sorry, I get mixed up.)
Went 2 years without any medicine same routine every day, get off work (I work 7 days a week and have for 2 years), I walk and sit in my room read books on car performance diagnostics fabricatino anything amazon has on sale, I check craigslist missed connections hoping I will be noticed.
I sit and browse amazon for stuff I do not need.
I just feel numb, I am not sure where to go from here, girl at a gas station started asking me questions that were too personal I switched to a different gas station to fill up and buy smokes.
I don't feel any guilt for things I have done I just remember them.
I feel like I am living a life full of regrets
I am always worring about every little noise on my car no matter if I know what it is.
I am extremely scared to be in public by myself (I have been better recently since I have lost so much weight girls don't avoid me, instead they check me out lol).
I used to get depressed occasionally and cry about being alone, being the one child of 5 that is not out of the house by 18.
now I just kinda sit here staring at my computer watching youtube occasionally staring at the roof. I mean I just sit here.
I don't have the drive like used to at work, I just dont care anymore (I used to work like maniac.)
I am always tired, I have headaches all the time.
One of the biggest things I can't stand, is the fact that you will be talking to me I will give my full attention, and I simply will be off somewhere else thinking about some other problem.
I used to just right this off as being stupid but I just cannot stand to think that I am that ****ing retarded.
oh one last thing I seem to have aquired a redneck accent and I have no idea where it comes from, girls think it sexy for some reason but I hate it.
this one is kinda one that I don't like to admit, but I mean I often think of of suicide in clever ways lol. I don't like to admit it I would never do it, I am not that selfish, but I think of it at least 7-8 times a day depending on what I am doing and the thoughts I have.
One more thing, I can talk to people normally and I function well enough to do my job take care of myself and exist.
I don't even know if someone can focus on reading this wall of text, but I am desperate. I dont know what to do, been living since I was 19 like this and its getting old.
I am just going to stop typing, if anyone can help guide me to figuring my thoughts out that would be great.
Any questions just ask, can't really offend me lol. Chances are its been done before to a worse extent.
Hello,
I am unsure where to post this, I have been debating for months on how to proceed. I am pretty sure I am in the wrong forum for this post, but from everything i've read this forum is the closest to what I am dealing with.
I cannot keep my thoughts straight, the bounce all over the place, but i've been having issues for the past 3 years and I am getting tired of putting on this happy face and pretending like nothing is wrong, although I am pretty sure people have to know.
What I am hoping to achieve by making this post is to simply get a set list to go to my phychiatrist so I can get properly medicated.
Back Story:
2nd Grade Diagnosed with ADD (Medicine never made a slight difference in grades ect..)
Don't remember much between 2nd and 8th grade just know I got made fun of alot.
Dad was in airforce moved alot never really had friends.
8th grade stopped taking medicine just threw the pills away. (horrible side effects)
9th grade failed every class in school blah got in trouble detetion ISS.
10th grade mom attempted to homeschool, didn't work she worked to much sat at home for a year playing video games.
11th grade got moved to secondary school (school for rejects as the teachers caused it, met some people started smoking ALOT of weed. Got arrested drunk at walmart usual yelling resulted from dad.
probation/weed/alchohol abuse continued. Painful rejection from girl I liked(vowed I would **** up my life from this on).
18 years old - - 12th grade 3 credits from graduating mouth got me in trouble kicked out of school. Weed use continued. Lost best friend, started to do excessive amounts of cocaine. Cocaine guy got busted, started making meth/smoking meth. Mom diagnosed with cancer.
Busted high on meth while driving, month after that busted driving a stolen car.
Thats just a short version not trying to bore people to death here just looking for help.
I wanna start out when I was 18, I started hanging out with a guy to simply **** off another friend because I was bored of hanging out with him and getting drunk.
Smoked bunch of weed, couldn't find weed started doing cocaine. Wouldn't go home for months just did what ever I wanted. Cocaine guy got busted. Started stealing cars and smoking meth.
About one week after I started smoking meth my mom got diagnosed with cancer and was schedualed for surgery 2 weeks later, never seen her once. Smoked more meth, mom got home from hostpital after a 3 week binge I borrowed car to go find some weed.
Get call halfway out of town mom was choking on spit (complicated she was in a rough state) dad had to run 2 miles home to get to her because I borrowed the car.
two weeks later on my way home after being up for a week, I get pulled over 1 block away from home. Cop had me on the hook he let me go home hoping I would sleep on it and rat out my dealer.
The next day I have to tell my parents, mom cried so hard she had to go to the hospital due to mucus (complicated)
caught driving stolen car stoned busted decided to change my life (lawyer said some meaningful words to me)
3 months of drug treatment and I was through with the hard part, just had 2 years of probation. Sat inside for a year playing video games, didn't talk to anyone but family on occasion.
after that year I got new probation officer after we moved, he got my ass in gear I got a job...Lost that job. Really got my ass in gear got another job have held that job for 2 years and counting.
Sorry this was longer than I expected.
Basically I cannot think, I am always thinking about whats wrong with me. How I ****ed up, the things I have done to people while stoned/spun out/drunk. I have done some ****ed up things to people that they will never recover from.
I try and move forward with my life, I exercise daily (walk 6 miles after work) I've lost over 100 lb's in the past 2 years 310lb's to 200lb's.
But at the end of the day after my walk I come in I sit inside and stare at my tv, the only time I felt normal is when I was playing spaceship mmo. But that was just another addiction, I want to do something with my life I do not want to sit inside playing games all day.
Stopped playing the game bought a project truck started working on it made huge progress. My other truck broke down, sold it. Bought a car it broke down was in a crunch had to sell everything I owned to get a new car.
When I stopped using drugs, I went through a phase I was really depressed every day, wake up crying wishing I was dead, that all went away shortly after my system cleared up.
(Went to see phychiatrist he gave me medicine for anxiety/depressiion/antiphychotic never told me what that was for.
I feel I didn't describe my symptoms to him correctly. This was back at the begining of drug treatment sorry, I get mixed up.)
Went 2 years without any medicine same routine every day, get off work (I work 7 days a week and have for 2 years), I walk and sit in my room read books on car performance diagnostics fabricatino anything amazon has on sale, I check craigslist missed connections hoping I will be noticed.
I sit and browse amazon for stuff I do not need.
I just feel numb, I am not sure where to go from here, girl at a gas station started asking me questions that were too personal I switched to a different gas station to fill up and buy smokes.
I don't feel any guilt for things I have done I just remember them.
I feel like I am living a life full of regrets
I am always worring about every little noise on my car no matter if I know what it is.
I am extremely scared to be in public by myself (I have been better recently since I have lost so much weight girls don't avoid me, instead they check me out lol).
I used to get depressed occasionally and cry about being alone, being the one child of 5 that is not out of the house by 18.
now I just kinda sit here staring at my computer watching youtube occasionally staring at the roof. I mean I just sit here.
I don't have the drive like used to at work, I just dont care anymore (I used to work like maniac.)
I am always tired, I have headaches all the time.
One of the biggest things I can't stand, is the fact that you will be talking to me I will give my full attention, and I simply will be off somewhere else thinking about some other problem.
I used to just right this off as being stupid but I just cannot stand to think that I am that ****ing retarded.
oh one last thing I seem to have aquired a redneck accent and I have no idea where it comes from, girls think it sexy for some reason but I hate it.
this one is kinda one that I don't like to admit, but I mean I often think of of suicide in clever ways lol. I don't like to admit it I would never do it, I am not that selfish, but I think of it at least 7-8 times a day depending on what I am doing and the thoughts I have.
One more thing, I can talk to people normally and I function well enough to do my job take care of myself and exist.
I don't even know if someone can focus on reading this wall of text, but I am desperate. I dont know what to do, been living since I was 19 like this and its getting old.
I am just going to stop typing, if anyone can help guide me to figuring my thoughts out that would be great.
Any questions just ask, can't really offend me lol. Chances are its been done before to a worse extent.
