Hi. I'm posting here because I need advice about my life situation, hoping someone has time to read my story.
I've been unhappy for the better part of my life (I'm 21, male) and right now it feels critical, I am about to move to a town far away and study at university. Situation: I've got one close friend that I've been with for about 10 years, other than that my friendships come from school classes and are now fading away. I've never been in a love relationship with a woman, although I have had opportunities. I feel no motivation towards much in life; I can motivate myself into action like exercising, doing chores etc but there's no intrinsic motivation to BE, to DO, to BECOME. This predicament has led me to various compensatory behaviors, like searching (pathetically) for "the meaning of life", over-performing with the narcissistic goal of short-term admiration from self or others, becoming preoccupied with escapist computer games or ways of thinking, seeking sympathy by appearing depressed. I've probably left out something.
I think I have, from a state of suffering, invalidated my emotions as "irrelevant" and then have come to wonder why I've felt so empty, so driveless. I also over-use rational thinking, mercilessly juggling with judgemental terms applied to me and others in my surroundings. From my point of view, right now I am a bad influence for every single person I interact closely with. The thing that makes me sadest of all is if a friend or a member of my family would depend on my happiness for them to be happy. I now feel extremely guilty and even weep when I see how my unhappiness affects those around me. Sometimes I rant that it would be better to have no relationships at all so you don't have to feel guilty about "infecting" others with unhappiness. So I strive for solitude and try to solve my problems on my own. This post is one way.
You have to realize that asking for outside advice about emotional wellbeing feels like a tabu in my specific culture. Strong, intelligent men don't need help, and they certainly don't show their feelings. That's how it feels anyway.
Going deeper: I am quite certain that my problems started back in early childhood. My weakness is feelings so I guess I never learnt to receive and to give love. That simple. I developed the skill of empathy, but never learnt to love. I feel guilty about this but I think my parents parenting style has affected this. My mother is a wonderful woman but kind of shy and was not a "hugger" as I remember it, and my father worked very much and was absent a lot, and was tired and stressed out when coming home. That said I do know that they have always had their kids' best in mind and they are really great people. But still.
In school I under-perform, over-perform depending on the situation. Generally speaking I'm terrified of _becoming_ ,that is, developing into something. I suspect that I recognize that I'm not well balanced, and still there is a very healthy, very strong part of me that wants a good, respectable life. So I'm afraid that as long as I'm unbalanced, I'll never be able to perform up to my potential in anything. I'll live half a life, and that is unbearable, knowing that you could have become "authentic to your aptitude" (like, you develop into who you deep down in a way already are) but never had the mixture of safety, comfort, self-esteem on the one hand and guts, drive, ambition on the other.
If you have made it down here, I sincerely thank you for taking your time reading this. If you have any advice, don't hesitate!
I've been unhappy for the better part of my life (I'm 21, male) and right now it feels critical, I am about to move to a town far away and study at university. Situation: I've got one close friend that I've been with for about 10 years, other than that my friendships come from school classes and are now fading away. I've never been in a love relationship with a woman, although I have had opportunities. I feel no motivation towards much in life; I can motivate myself into action like exercising, doing chores etc but there's no intrinsic motivation to BE, to DO, to BECOME. This predicament has led me to various compensatory behaviors, like searching (pathetically) for "the meaning of life", over-performing with the narcissistic goal of short-term admiration from self or others, becoming preoccupied with escapist computer games or ways of thinking, seeking sympathy by appearing depressed. I've probably left out something.
I think I have, from a state of suffering, invalidated my emotions as "irrelevant" and then have come to wonder why I've felt so empty, so driveless. I also over-use rational thinking, mercilessly juggling with judgemental terms applied to me and others in my surroundings. From my point of view, right now I am a bad influence for every single person I interact closely with. The thing that makes me sadest of all is if a friend or a member of my family would depend on my happiness for them to be happy. I now feel extremely guilty and even weep when I see how my unhappiness affects those around me. Sometimes I rant that it would be better to have no relationships at all so you don't have to feel guilty about "infecting" others with unhappiness. So I strive for solitude and try to solve my problems on my own. This post is one way.
You have to realize that asking for outside advice about emotional wellbeing feels like a tabu in my specific culture. Strong, intelligent men don't need help, and they certainly don't show their feelings. That's how it feels anyway.
Going deeper: I am quite certain that my problems started back in early childhood. My weakness is feelings so I guess I never learnt to receive and to give love. That simple. I developed the skill of empathy, but never learnt to love. I feel guilty about this but I think my parents parenting style has affected this. My mother is a wonderful woman but kind of shy and was not a "hugger" as I remember it, and my father worked very much and was absent a lot, and was tired and stressed out when coming home. That said I do know that they have always had their kids' best in mind and they are really great people. But still.
In school I under-perform, over-perform depending on the situation. Generally speaking I'm terrified of _becoming_ ,that is, developing into something. I suspect that I recognize that I'm not well balanced, and still there is a very healthy, very strong part of me that wants a good, respectable life. So I'm afraid that as long as I'm unbalanced, I'll never be able to perform up to my potential in anything. I'll live half a life, and that is unbearable, knowing that you could have become "authentic to your aptitude" (like, you develop into who you deep down in a way already are) but never had the mixture of safety, comfort, self-esteem on the one hand and guts, drive, ambition on the other.
If you have made it down here, I sincerely thank you for taking your time reading this. If you have any advice, don't hesitate!