I didn't know where to put this since a number of issues are actually involved, but decided on here since the main point of this post is my need for someone to cry.
I want someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder, who knows me inside and out including the worst parts without thinking less of me. I just want to cry and speak my innermost thoughts. I feel very lonely at times even though I live with my parents. I have a few friends I hang out with occasionally but no one close. They don’t know who I am and wouldn’t want to know either because there’s a demon in me itching to get out.
But I'm afraid to show emotion around other people. I don't like to smile when I'm with other people even when I'm happy and would normally smile if by myself. I try to not smile around people. Smiling when others can see me feels weird and creepy for some reason. I’m not a very open person outside the Internet.
I’m also worried what people would think about me.
I’m not consciously aware of my feelings most of the time. When I realize how I feel, I’m usually experiencing boredom, tiredness, stress, or amusement but rarely anything deep. I lack empathy (I have Asperger’s) and compassion as well. I wish I had these but I can rarely bring myself to feel another’s pain even when I try my best. I don’t understand things on an emotional level but only ever on an intellectual one. I don’t think I love others to the same extent that most people do. I usually feel indifferent to the most important people in my life such as my parents. I feel like a warped empty shell of a human being.
You probably think I’m just exaggerating the effects of Asperger’s but I know there has to be more going on with me due to the severity of my thoughts and actions. For example, I have severe anger issues. I don’t usually throw a temper but it’s horrible when I do. For instance, sometime while in high school (I’m a college senior now) my sister did something to anger me. I then punched her several times in the head as hard as I possibly could and screamed repeatedly, and I will never forget what I said, “I’d kill you if I could.” Another time, my parents found pot in my room and then took it away. This was the same day I had lost my job at the university for “not meeting expectations” (though I never knew what I did wrong). I then used my fists to bust a hole in the wall and another in my door. Because my younger brother claimed to have told on me, I spray painted his blankets. That was my second-to-last violent outburst and it occurred about two years ago. My last violent outburst occurred sometime over a year ago. This time, my sister visited. We usually end up disagreeing about something. When we disagree, I usually want to agree to disagree. But she doesn’t listen to me and always tries to force me to listen to her. This time, I became frustrated with the way she talked to me, slammed the car door as hard as I could upon arriving home and screamed that she had to start fights every time she visited while outside where the whole neighborhood could hear. Inside the house I screamed at her to “get the **** out of my face” because she wanted to keep talking and I didn’t want to listen. I’ve never gotten along with my sister but I have and do with my brothers regularly. All I remember about her is the many times she’s dissed me. Even when I was an adolescent she would insult me for being awkward. Now that she’s serving on a mission she begs me to e-mail her which I do. But I don’t see why she would miss me. She didn’t seem to like me before she left on her mission.
I don't know why I did the things I did.
I don’t feel comfortable talking to a paid therapist because they seem to just say what they think you want to hear. I’m also so ashamed of things I’ve done and things I think that I don’t even want that person knowing who I am or what I look like, hence my reason for using the Internet.
Back to my original point, I want to get this stuff off my chest and just cry with someone to hold me without judging but don’t know where to begin.
I have to start doing something if I want to change anything, so any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post, but I have a lot of personal issues to address. Thanks.
I want someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder, who knows me inside and out including the worst parts without thinking less of me. I just want to cry and speak my innermost thoughts. I feel very lonely at times even though I live with my parents. I have a few friends I hang out with occasionally but no one close. They don’t know who I am and wouldn’t want to know either because there’s a demon in me itching to get out.
But I'm afraid to show emotion around other people. I don't like to smile when I'm with other people even when I'm happy and would normally smile if by myself. I try to not smile around people. Smiling when others can see me feels weird and creepy for some reason. I’m not a very open person outside the Internet.
I’m also worried what people would think about me.
I’m not consciously aware of my feelings most of the time. When I realize how I feel, I’m usually experiencing boredom, tiredness, stress, or amusement but rarely anything deep. I lack empathy (I have Asperger’s) and compassion as well. I wish I had these but I can rarely bring myself to feel another’s pain even when I try my best. I don’t understand things on an emotional level but only ever on an intellectual one. I don’t think I love others to the same extent that most people do. I usually feel indifferent to the most important people in my life such as my parents. I feel like a warped empty shell of a human being.
You probably think I’m just exaggerating the effects of Asperger’s but I know there has to be more going on with me due to the severity of my thoughts and actions. For example, I have severe anger issues. I don’t usually throw a temper but it’s horrible when I do. For instance, sometime while in high school (I’m a college senior now) my sister did something to anger me. I then punched her several times in the head as hard as I possibly could and screamed repeatedly, and I will never forget what I said, “I’d kill you if I could.” Another time, my parents found pot in my room and then took it away. This was the same day I had lost my job at the university for “not meeting expectations” (though I never knew what I did wrong). I then used my fists to bust a hole in the wall and another in my door. Because my younger brother claimed to have told on me, I spray painted his blankets. That was my second-to-last violent outburst and it occurred about two years ago. My last violent outburst occurred sometime over a year ago. This time, my sister visited. We usually end up disagreeing about something. When we disagree, I usually want to agree to disagree. But she doesn’t listen to me and always tries to force me to listen to her. This time, I became frustrated with the way she talked to me, slammed the car door as hard as I could upon arriving home and screamed that she had to start fights every time she visited while outside where the whole neighborhood could hear. Inside the house I screamed at her to “get the **** out of my face” because she wanted to keep talking and I didn’t want to listen. I’ve never gotten along with my sister but I have and do with my brothers regularly. All I remember about her is the many times she’s dissed me. Even when I was an adolescent she would insult me for being awkward. Now that she’s serving on a mission she begs me to e-mail her which I do. But I don’t see why she would miss me. She didn’t seem to like me before she left on her mission.
I don't know why I did the things I did.
I don’t feel comfortable talking to a paid therapist because they seem to just say what they think you want to hear. I’m also so ashamed of things I’ve done and things I think that I don’t even want that person knowing who I am or what I look like, hence my reason for using the Internet.
Back to my original point, I want to get this stuff off my chest and just cry with someone to hold me without judging but don’t know where to begin.
I have to start doing something if I want to change anything, so any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post, but I have a lot of personal issues to address. Thanks.
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