More threads by BluMac81


Hi everyone!
My name is Matt, and I was introduced to this forum by a friend of mine who has suffered in mental illness to much the same degree as I have. I’m glad to have found you all! Been looking for a forum like this for a long time.

So about me, I am 26 years old, born and raised in southern California (Mojave desert), joined the US Air Force at the age of 17 and got out when I was 24 (I was a helicopter avionics technician). Now I live up in Portland Oregon (though I’m planning to move to Colorado soon hopefully), and have been working for a large corporation up here as a maintenance technician.

As a child I was a major loner, I valued my solitude more than anything. I really never had more than 1 friend at a time. I was ultra-shy, and spent time alone reading science books, playing video games, gardening, and the like.

I have two sisters, one older, on younger. When I was 11, my parents separated because my father was a major alcoholic. In 2005 my father died, and the diagnosis of the doctor was “alcoholism”, he was 54. I have remained very close with my mother and two sisters.

I’m single, and, though I desire more than anything to have a committed relationship, I’ve never dated a woman for any more than 4 months. My dream is to live in a house…. Near my sisters in Colorado…. Get a Bachelor’s degree in Biology (I love biology!), and then maybe go to medical school afterward…. Find a wonderful spouse who loves me and I love her, and have a few kids. Yep, the American dream eh?

Unfortunately my life has been plagued with mental illness, which is why I’m here now. While my social anxiety has gotten better since I was a child (going through the military broke me out of my shell a bit), other issues have arose within me that have shook me to my very core.

I started getting panic attacks and extreme anxiety back in 2004…. Why? I was afraid of not being able to fall asleep. Sounds simple right? But for me, it was my own hell, my own prison. I would dread the bed all day long, knowing… expecting that when my head hits the pillow, a severe panic attack would hit. And it usually happened, which usually kept me awake, for days. I started fearing that I might lose my mind. However I partially overcame that… just from a realization that not getting any sleep won’t kill me. Plus I was prescribed Lunesta and that helped a great deal.

But then along side that started the depression. I didn’t want to believe I had depression, feeling that I would be labeled as ‘weak’ if I was diagnosed with it. But it ate away at me. As an adult I still usually only have 1 friend, live alone and far away from my family…. And this depression made me realize how alone I really am. A loneliness that is unshakable, the thought that if something might happen to me, there would be no one there to take care of me. It went beyond that, and I developed some serious self-hate. Self-hate for my weakness, my failures…. How different I was from everyone else. I see other people happily going about their lives and find that i’m extremely jealous... that it’s so easy for them. But I’ve never known happiness and fear I never will, unless I change my attitude. And that struggle to change and keep my attitude in check drives my crazy! My mind constantly races from thought to thought, and my mood shifts from energetically happy to suicidally depressed several times a day.

So as far as treatment goes, I’ve been on a multitude of SSRI’s including: Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro (current med)…. And others that I forget. I have not seen any improvement in all the time that I’ve taken SSRI’s (it’s been about 3 years now on them). The only thing that helps is…. Well…. Xanax (other benzos help a bit too)…. But I guess it helps in the same way that Alcohol does… it numbs me… But of course understandably, my psychiatrist does not want to prescribe me benzo’s, and urges me to stop drinking alcohol. By the way I do drink alcohol but only on my days off… so… about 4 days a week, I just have some beers to relax. My psychiatrist still tells me I need to stop entirely, but I don’t see it as a problem, I’m well aware of what the drink did to my dad and I’m very cautious about it, but as of now, I see no harm in drinking a few days out of the week.

Psychologists? Well…. I was with one who worked with my anxiety while in the military, she kind of started to help me, but then I got out. And I started with this other therapist…. Basically all it was, was me talking about my messed up thoughts once every couple weeks. It actually was more just entertaining discussing various things with her…. The meaning of life, suffering, and the like. But I got no where with her. I do believe therapy can be useful so I’m starting to see a new therapist (specializing in anxiety) soon.

So basically I’m confused…. Depressed…. Anxious…. And I’m here to get help, and help others if I can.
I just want to live a normal life.

Looking forward to chatting with you guys…
Last edited by a moderator:


Hi BluMac81 and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I am sure that you will find the help and support that you are looking for and I am glad that you decided to join us. I hope to see you around more :wave:
hello matt, nice to meet you, i just watched one of your videos. anxiety and panic attacks are horrible, i've gone through some of that myself but fortunately that was during a short period in my life. sorry to hear you're still struggling with that. the best advice i can give you is to not give up and keep going for treatment until you get things figured out. the same goes for depression, keep trying, and try not to let hopelessness get to you. i look forward to hearing more from you :)

<Admin edit: Link to videos removed as potentially triggering>


Account Closed
Welcome Blu :welcome2:

Your in the right place :) I have also had to deal with both anxiety attacks. It comes along with PTSD.

I have also dealt with addictions for many years but have been clean and sober for the last year. I also self-medicated through alcohol, what I didn't know then was, is that alcohol is a mood suppresent - makes depression symptoms much worse and cancels out any anti-depressent medication.

Glad your here



yay glad you posted :)

i just so happened to click on this, thinking 'what if it was you' and it was. psychic or what?

hope to see you post again.

i will talk to you
Welcome to the club Matt! :)

I too suffer from numerous longstanding anxiety disorders/ depressions. I was born a highly sensitive creature and in retrospect, i realize that family and society at the time, perceived my temperament as a weakness...

If i knew then what i know now, i could have spared myself so much grief trying to be something i'm not. It's never too late to be the best i can be by embracing who i am.

Hope you find comfort and intelligence here.




Hi BluMac, and welcome to the forums...

just read your post and a couple of things struck me.
1. You write very well!
2. You seem to know exactly what is going on with you and are very level headed and down to earth.

I too worry about being able to fall asleep at night. I have anxiety and depression so I understand where you are coming from. However, I am not a Dr and cant really help you in that regard, But, I am hear to listen and be encouraging if I can.
I think you really have a grasp on the situation and think in time you will find a way to deal with all these things.. Are you active? My Dr says being active is one of the best things you can do to fight depression, and not only that it should help you sleep if you are dog tired at night.
Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.
Replying is not possible. This forum is only available as an archive.