New Year's Resolution

[Ashley-Kate]

Is is pathetic to set myself the new years resolution for this years to be my last with anorexia and bulimia is it unrealistic to hope that by 2010 i will no longuer be that? or am i setting myself for failure and dissapointment? i have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for over half of my life not to mention never ever loving myself as a child. Is it even normal to think that i could be something else ? all i know is that year after year i set that same objective and year after year i fail... the first time i set iti was 15 and i wanted to be "normal" for my 16th year, then it was to not have an eating disorder when i turned 18 , then it was 19 then it was a promiss that by my second decade of life i would no longuer have it and here i am turning 21 in now less than 8 months and i set the same objective again. I dream of the day that i will be normal but then again i have no idea how to be that. i have no idea how to eat and not freak out i have no idea how to sit down and not move not burn calories not thin of burning calories not htink of food or weight or how i look. I don't knwo how to not be an eating disorder ... but yet i hate that so much! i want to start living planning a life as a see my friends with their boyfriends and having babies i can't help but look at myself and see how messed up i am and fear the day i will reach that point in my life the point that i want to have a familly and then it comes the over whelming fear of transmitting my bad eating habits to my kids being a bad mother.. i want to be normal but whenever i see my futur i see anorexia bulimia. and obsessing exercising on the outside i am the girl that people look at and think how lucky i am to stay thin to eat anything i want and always stay thin and yet they hae no clue on the outside i look like a very lucky girl on the inside i am screaming to be saved from this monster that domains my every thought!
i am tired i want out yet i can'T make it i have been here for a couple of years on this site i have been hospitalised over 7 times in my life and have numerous out patient treatments day programs and yet i am still at the same place back to square one... i know how to help what to say to help but yet i can'T even listen to my own advice i help others yet i have giving up on myself
yours trully ashley

 

[Into The Light]

Re: new years...

ashley-kate, i think you just need to resolve to do the best you can. i think trying to set a time limit on your healing may not be helpful to you. healing takes its own time unfortunately and cannot be rushed (how i wish it could). if you set yourself this goal and it doesn't happen (for whatever reason) then you will hurt your self-esteem, which will get in the way of progress.

dr. baxter posted a really insightful article the other day and i am wondering if it is something you should print out and bring to your psychiatrist/psychologist? i really apologize in advance if i am off the mark here, but in the chance that the following might be a factor i don't want to deny you the insight from this article. i know you want to heal but there may be subconscious elements at work for why it is such a struggle for you.

these are the things that struck me from the article (Interview with Dr. David D. Burns - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

I tend to think in terms of "Outcome Resistance" and "Process Resistance." Here's how to think about Outcome Resistance. Imagine that there's were a magic button on this desk, and if you push it, all of your symptoms (such as depression, or panic attacks, a troubled marriage, or a bad habit or addiction) will instantly disappear, with no effort, and you'll go out of today's session in a state of euphoria. Will you push that button?

As it turns out, many people will NOT push the button, or would be highly ambivalent about it. For each person, the reasons will be different, but they are generally overpowering. Furthermore, Outcome Resistance is radically different for each of the four common targets: depression, anxiety, a relationship conflict, or habits and addictions). So there are four common, but distinct, types of Outcome Resistance.

Process Resistance also differs radically for each of the four common targets: depression, anxiety, a relationship conflict, or habits and addictions. This means that there are eight common types of resistance-there are four types of Outcome Resistance, and four types of Process Resistance. Clients will sometimes have several forms of resistance operating all at once. That's because they may be depressed and anxious at the same time, and may also be struggling with loneliness or troubled personal relationships.

i've seen your posts for quite some time and at times you are doing better and are so hopeful, and at other times it's hard and you are struggling. i know you want to get well and that you are trying your best. so i really hope that the reference to the article is ok. i am by no means saying you don't want to heal - i am just saying there may be elements you might not even be aware of that are holding you back, and it would be worth exploring those.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you very much for your reply! it actually makes a lot of sence and i am not offended at all byt the hole " not being able to make it" in some ways i doubt myself literally cause days my motivation hits a high and i can do it but then i come crashing down as soon as i get some kind of reality check telling me that well i am not this average person that i am anorexic therefore i quite i lose it and fall back into those bad habits. I am happy that you sent me that article thank!

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad my post was helpful to you i am keeping my fingers crossed for you!