• Quote of the Day
    "We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves."
    Dalai Lama, posted by David Baxter

texasgirl

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I have just recently come to this site and really have been touched by the incredible support from all the people who share their stories. I feel very timid about saying anything to anyone about what's going on with me but I think that I owe it to my children to see if I can find some better ways to deal with how I am feeling besides just checking out. In all honesty, I don't even have the energy right now to do anything and have been taking more and more time off work because of it. I went to a psychiatrist a couple of months ago because I was not sleeping, hearing voices telling me to do things or just calling me and I couldn't find where they were coming from , and thinking of suicide all the time and he put me on risperadol, prozac, and klonapin. I took all three but then got off of the prozac because it made me shake so badly and the risperadol made me feel very strange.

Yesterday when I was on the train coming back from work I thought that I saw my husband who killed himself several years ago and I thought that it was a sign that I needed to join him. I kept staring at the man and I kept trying to say to myself that H. was dead so it couldn't be him. It was very hard to fight the urge to jump in front of the train yesterday and I am trying to stay focused but it is very hard.

I have 5 children. They love me very much and I love them, but I don't feel anything when I talk to them anymore but blankness and I wonder now if I am even here a lot of the time. My boss has noticed my tiredness and has said that maybe I should get more sleep, which is true.

When I saw on the news yesterday about JonBenet Ramsey, and all her pictures, it really made me think about a lot of the similar things that happened to me when I was little, especially since I looked a whole lot like her as a child. I wouldn't say that I am anything but empty and sad about it.

I am having a hard time holding on and just wanted to say it to someone. I know I have to come up with a solution but it's hard to think. Thank you all for listening to me.
 

David Baxter

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he put me on risperadol, prozac, and klonapin. I took all three but then got off of the prozac because it made me shake so badly and the risperadol made me feel very strange.

Texasgirl, have you talked to your doctor about your experience with prozac? There are so many other choices now for antidepressants that it really isn't necessary to suffer side-effects and stopping the medication is not the only solution.

Also, are you still taking the other medications? Do you see your doctor(s) and/or a therapist/counselor regularly?
 

texasgirl

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Thank you for responding so quickly to me. I am not taking anything now because I don't have anything left and my psychiatrist went to Europe for a month. He will be back after Labor day.

I had a therapist who said that he wanted to refer me to another therapist because he doesn't have the expertise to work with complex trauma cases. I just found another therapist who I went to last week for the first time. I know it sounds stupid, but I am scared to tell him how bad I am feeling because I am afraid to trust him. He said that his approach is to focus on the present which is okay but I am caught in a sort of noman's land between the past and the present. I have never had therapy before except for when I was an inpatient several years ago in a hospital and it was to deal with medications that the patients were on and occupational therapy/art therapy.
 

David Baxter

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Yikes! That is not good. Why not go to your family doctor and explain the situation with the psychiatrist being gone? Those are not medications you should discontinue cold turkey or on your own, and the fact that your symptoms are reemerging is an indication of that.
 

texasgirl

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I will give her a call to see if I can get an appointment. She is very nice. I only saw the psychiatrist one time and he is a solo practitioner. I thought I could hold on till he got back but I think things are getting worse. Appreciate your suggestion. Thank you.
 

ThatLady

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Whoa! Have you tried to call your psychiatrist's office to see if he appointed another doctor to see to the needs of his patients while he was gone. Many, if not most, doctors do this specifically so that people who are in your situation won't have to suffer. Try calling his office and asking. If he didn't make any arrangements, call your GP. You really do need to get back on those medications, since stopping them suddenly is just not good at all! It may well be the reason your symptoms are flaring back up. In fact, I'd be willing to bet it is.
 

texasgirl

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When I called I got an answering machine and the message was to go to the nearest emergency room in an emergency or to call 911. I will try going to my gp. I didn't know that she could prescribe psychiatric medication.
 

ThatLady

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As an MD, she can prescribe any medication, texasgirl. Take your prescription bottles along with you so she'll know the doctor who prescribed them, the proper dose and frequency of use, and whether a generic drug or a brand-name drug is being given.

Good luck to you! I'm really sorry you're feeling so badly.
 

Halo

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Hi Texasgirl,

I agree with David and ThatLady's suggestion of contacting your GP about getting an appointment and getting back on the meds. As we have heard from many people on here including me, discontinuing medication cold turkey or all of a sudden can wreck havoc on your body and can make the symptoms return pretty quickly.

I hope that you make the call and get an appointment soon. Good Luck and keep us updated.
 

^^Phoenix^^

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Hi Texas Girl,
Welcome to the forum, and thank you for your courage in posting.

texasgirl said:
I don't even have the energy right now to do anything and have been taking more and more time off work because of it.

lethargy and tiredness, always wanting to sleep and stay in bed is a cue that you are living with depression. (Not always of course, it could be medical, but from your posts and the medication that your on, it seems like you have already been diagnosed with this). You need to remind yourself that you are not alone in this. Its one of my main indicaters for myself and my depression. When I remain in bed, in my room, not wanting to see anyone, I know my depression is bad. Constantly being tired, even when I don't feel depressed, usually indicates to me that I am depressed, and this is always the case... usually coupled with being to stressed to notice.

texasgirl said:
Yesterday when I was on the train coming back from work I thought that I saw my husband who killed himself several years ago and I thought that it was a sign that I needed to join him.

The feeling is often haunting, TG, scarey and emotional. Don't take it as a sign that you need to join him, but about how much you miss him. You may have felt paniced and distraught and you need to realize that thats ok, you lost someone you love, and through exceptionally difficult circumstances (not that it is ever easy). People left behind by suicides, are often riddeled with guilt and shame, as well as the gut wrentching, distraught emotions that usually accompany loss.

texasgirl said:
I have 5 children. They love me very much and I love them, but I don't feel anything when I talk to them anymore but blankness

Are you saying that you experiance blankness from them? or that you yourself are feeling blank? Numbness is also a symptom of depression, and is sometimes a way of protecting ourselves when the emotions get to 'dense'.

I hope you can gain a level of caring here, TG. Many of the posters have dealt with depression, suicides and the like, and sometimes sharing and having an empathetic ear (or eye) helps with the recovery process.
 

texasgirl

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Hello everyone.

Well as luck would have it I called my gp's office and they are closed on Friday afternoons. I will call her on Monday morning.

I will try to respond to your questions and hope I haven't forgotten any of them. My children are not blank, I am. They are their usual selves, wanting Mom for this that or another as kids do. Although I am tired, I can't sleep. I work full time and have a pretty stressful job with a lot of people reporting to me. I sometimes don't even hear them anymore when they come in my office and ask for things and the same with my kids. I just want to hang up the phone when it rings. I didn't intend to get off all the medicine cold turkey but when it ran out and I went to set up an appt to get refills (except the prozac which made me shake) I found out the the doctor was leaving for vacation. Then I thought that I would wait till he got back. Not a good choice. I literally feel like my fingers weigh a ton even typing this. Does anybody else get this tired when they are depressed? The worst part though is when I am "out in the world" (out of my house) I feel like I am getting lost. I live and work in NYC (but from Texas) so among the millions of people it's pretty easy to do. Sometimes I just want to get lost. But I try to hang on because of the kids. Two parents committing suicide would be unconscionable, unbelievably horrible for my kids, and a sin (I am Catholic) for sure. What is scary is when I am in a fog and don't feel like I am in control of the situation like when I saw my husband.

I am rambling and I apologize. Thank you all for caring so much to respond.
 

^^Phoenix^^

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No need to apologise for rambeling - we all do it. Anyway, most of the time important things are said during a good ramble.

With regards to your medications, going to the emergancy ward is not as drastic as you may feel it to be, it happens all of the time with people in your situation, Ive done it once myself. Just explaining the situation and showing them the meds will do the trick. Also taking in the phone number of your psych and doctor (if your worried about being believed) will 'prove' the situation to them too.
 

ThatLady

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You're not rambling at all, texasgirl. You're just talking things out. That's what we're here for! :)

It sounds like you're having some pretty serious problems. Since you can't contact your doctor, and your psychiatrist is away, if I were you I think I'd head for the ER. They will have a number to get hold of your doctor, and can call him for you. You have the kids, and yourself, to think about, so this is not something to let slide.
 

texasgirl

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I left a message for the doctor on call at my gp's office. I am going to explain the situation to him and see if he can call in a prescription for the medications until the psychiatrist gets back. If they can't or won't then I will go to the ED. I am scared though of being admitted to the hospital. The last time I was in a psychiatric hospital was years ago when my husband died, and when I was there, the psychiatrist that they assigned to me took me off of hospital grounds and raped me. He got fired but didn't lose his license because I was not in any shape to prosecute him but I am really afraid of ever going back to a hospital. Can they force you to be admitted?
 

^^Phoenix^^

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:shocked:
Well its no wonder that you are terrified! That is appauling!

however, if you can manage it, going and getting a perscription refilled at the Emergancy ward, will not get you admitted. Most of the time you wont even need to go into the details of why you are suffering because you are just there to refill the perscription already given.
 

ThatLady

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The likelihood of you being forcibly placed in a mental hospital is very low, texasgirl; especially, if you voluntarily go to the ER to get your medication prescribed. That shows you're thinking clearly and are not a danger to yourself, or to anyone else, at the time. The fact that you're concerned about your medications and want to be sure you're okay speaks for your clarity of thought, not against it.
 

David Baxter

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Can they force you to be admitted?

There are strict and clear limitations on a doctor's ability to do this - basically, you must present a clear and imminent danger to self or others. If you are voluntarily seeking to renew a prescription, that would almost by definition signify that you don't qualify for involuntary committal.
 

texasgirl

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well this makes me feel alot better about going there. if I don't hear back from the gp's doctor on call by later this afternoon, I will get the bottles and go to the ED. I think that if I wait too long then I might not be in good enough shape to help them understand why I need to get the medicine. thank you very much for your help.
 

Halo

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TG,

I just want to echo what others have said about going to the ER to get a script filled. I know for myself that would cause me a lot of anxiety also as I like you had a bad experience during my hospitalization and really don't want to go back there.

But under your circumstances I would go and get your script filled from them and like everyone said, if you are showing the willingness to get and take your meds than I am sure that they won't keep you.

I hope that call comes through for you this afternoon. Take Care and let us know how it goes. :)
 

texasgirl

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Hello everyone. I just wanted to follow up to let you know that I was able to get enough medicine from the family doctor on call to last until my psychiatrist gets back. I know that I probably should have been able to think of this myself, but I'm not thinking all that great right now and your suggestions have been really helpful. I picked them up from the pharmacy. Thank you very much.
 

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